Weekend Getaway

Scott and I took a little weekend getaway. We were gone Friday night and came home Sunday.  We went camping in Cook Forest, PA with my biological siblings and their families. It was great to get away for a while. The trip was the first time we have been away together in 3 years. Our last vacation together being a trip to Myrtle Beach.
While the nights were more than a bit nippy, the days were beautiful! I had so much fun watching my nephews and niece. After a relaxing weekend, I can't wait to camp again!

A Day of Firsts

Every Tuesday afternoon, there is a prayer group that meets after work. All employees are invited to attend, and the number of attendees varies. This school year, my prayer requests have pretty much stayed the same. Healing for my family members whom are sick and for the Lord to hear my prayers and bless Scott and I with a child. The most frequent request being blessing us with a child.

We had our prayer meeting the staff lounge, due the the heat and it is air conditioned. I sat my fanny down on the couch. A coworker that knows just how much I do not like to be touched sat next to me. Within minutes, she was leaning against me...trying to cuddle. I was not happy. Now I could have pushed her away, but she is very sensitive and I didn't want to offend her. I just took some deep breaths and tried not to think about the fact that my personal space bubble had not only been invaded, but POPPED!

Don't let the smile fool you, I was very uncomfortable.

I managed to let her lean/cuddle for the entire prayer group. This was a first. I am going to try to allow others to intrude upon my personal bubble in the future.

The most important first that happened today happened at the end of prayer group. A co-worker was lead to ask all of the group to lay hands on me to pray. He was brought to tears before he prayed. Talk about popping my personal bubble! I had at least 8 hands on me. I really appreciated the prayer and it meant a lot. But honestly, I couldn't quite take it all in and pray along with them because I was focused on people touching me. I hope and pray that my distracted state didn't counteract the prayer.

Torn Inside

This week I had an emotional breakdown at work. I was talking with one of the sweetest coworkers and I just couldn't take it anymore. My coworker and I spoke for a few minutes and she gave me some of the best input I could have asked for. It was just what I needed at just the right time.

There have been many times I have questioned whether or not I should even have this blog, let alone discuss my personal life so intimately. To open up and be so vulnerable is not something I am comfortable doing in person. I don't talk much; I get too self-conscious. There is something cathartic about writing out my feelings on here.

Back to my point...my coworker told me that this could be God's way of using me. I finally got it. I don't like hate writing. I have never been able to journal, but blogging comes so easy to me. I know that I may not be the best writer, but I don't care. I am doing this for me. When I write on here, it opens up space in my mind; I am able to move on more easily from any trials I have had. I realize I do not have a huge following and that is fine with me. Right now, the essence of people that read this are family, friends and co-workers (I think).

People don't talk much about infertility in public. I don't think that it needs to be a secret. When Scott and I first started having a lot of trouble conceiving, I didn't talk about it. I looked online for support groups and websites that could help me. Sadly, I couldn't find any that were really helpful. My goal is twofold for this blog: 1) To have a place for me to have my thoughts recorded so that I can look back on where we have come from and how far we have gone and 2) To have a place where other women or couples can read about struggles with conceiving and know that they are not alone.

Woohoo...it's my birthday

I wish I could report on something fantastic or completely awesome that happened today. Aren't birthdays supposed to be fantastic and awesome? Mine has been very low-key and I am perfectly happy with that. This weekend has been kind of stressful. I had my mid-cycle ultrasound Friday morning. They doctor found two good follicles. He didn't say anything about the "cyst" he found two weeks ago, which either meant he didn't look for it OR it was no longer there (which is what I am hoping for).

Yesterday morning, I had to be at the specialist bright and early to make a "delivery" for Scott. I waited there for an hour and a half, then had my first of two round of IUI done. I should have taken it easy and just put myself on bed-rest for the rest of the day, but my yard looked like a jungle. I mowed for two hours and can now forget about the yard for a week ( I hope). This morning was round two of IUI. After the "delivery" Scott took me to breakfast at W@lly W@ffle. I was not happy with my choice...I really thought I was getting a waffle, but I must have read the decision wrong. So after breakfast, we headed back to the specialist for the procedure. My Cytotec must have really worked its magic last night, because it was the quickest insemination yet. Dr. Maseelall is quickly becoming my doctor of choice at that office. She is so nice, positive, and supportive.

We came home and I watched Scott play with Oliver for a while, then we all took a nap on the couch. I needed to rest so my body could relax and hopefully the eggs will meet in the middle. Now the dreaded two week wait starts. This month is critical for us. Our specialists only recommend three rounds of IUI before looking into other options. Well, they must not have been looking at my chart, because this is my fourth round of it. If this month is not successful, I don't know what we are going to do. My heart will be broken and my spirit will be crushed.

So, now that I have wasted half the day away, I am going to get up and moving. Time to enjoy the hanging flower pots that Scott bought me for my birthday.

The Day I Have Been Dreading

Today is not a day I like. I haven't enjoyed this day for the past five years. When I admit this, I feel like a horrible person. I should look forward to Mother's Day to celebrate my mom, m-i-l, grandma, and sisters. Truthfully, I don't think there needs to be a special day to recognize mothers. They should be celebrated everyday, along with fathers.

This Mother's Day has been especially hard on me. I have secluded myself in my cocoon of my house. I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I just want to be by myself. No looks or hugs of pity. No "relax, it will happen", "if you stop worrying about it, it will happen", "have more sex", "go on vacation" or "adopt a baby, then it will happen...it always ends that way"!

While I am pretty comfortable with the fact that I have "undetermined infertility", the past two months have just plain sucked. I can deal with seeing pregnant women and congratulating them. I can hold babies and love on them without crying. I can share my story and rarely shed any tears. But what I am having a really hard time dealing with my miscarriage in August. Yesterday really sucked for me because I realized that my baby would be roughly 3 or 4 weeks old. I would have had a great reason to be super happy about Mother's Day. Instead, I spent the afternoon trying to enjoy a day with my family and getting pedicures with all the girls. I tried to put on a happy face and act like everything was good, but I know that it was an epic failure on my part.

While my sisters, niece and mom were chatting it up at the salon, I was brooding and feeling sorry for  myself. After the pedicures, we went to my mom's house for dinner to celebrate my brother and my birthdays. I couldn't even enjoy that. I was too wrapped up in my thoughts of self pity. Here is it, I am turning another year older and still no baby.

Well, this has been a bummer of a post so I will stop here. Happy Mother's Day to all of you that are blessed enough to have a child or children.