Today is not a day I like. I haven't enjoyed this day for the past five years. When I admit this, I feel like a horrible person. I should look forward to Mother's Day to celebrate my mom, m-i-l, grandma, and sisters. Truthfully, I don't think there needs to be a special day to recognize mothers. They should be celebrated everyday, along with fathers.
This Mother's Day has been especially hard on me. I have secluded myself in my cocoon of my house. I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I just want to be by myself. No looks or hugs of pity. No "relax, it will happen", "if you stop worrying about it, it will happen", "have more sex", "go on vacation" or "adopt a baby, then it will happen...it always ends that way"!
While I am pretty comfortable with the fact that I have "undetermined infertility", the past two months have just plain sucked. I can deal with seeing pregnant women and congratulating them. I can hold babies and love on them without crying. I can share my story and rarely shed any tears. But what I am having a really hard time dealing with my miscarriage in August. Yesterday really sucked for me because I realized that my baby would be roughly 3 or 4 weeks old. I would have had a great reason to be super happy about Mother's Day. Instead, I spent the afternoon trying to enjoy a day with my family and getting pedicures with all the girls. I tried to put on a happy face and act like everything was good, but I know that it was an epic failure on my part.
While my sisters, niece and mom were chatting it up at the salon, I was brooding and feeling sorry for myself. After the pedicures, we went to my mom's house for dinner to celebrate my brother and my birthdays. I couldn't even enjoy that. I was too wrapped up in my thoughts of self pity. Here is it, I am turning another year older and still no baby.
Well, this has been a bummer of a post so I will stop here. Happy Mother's Day to all of you that are blessed enough to have a child or children.
No comments:
Post a Comment