Happy Birthday

Happy birthday to my bestest friend in the whole of the world. I love you in so many ways, Scott. Not just the typical "sweaty hands, butterfly in the stomach, feel electric when we touch" way.

This past year and a half you have shown me through your actions and words just how much you love me and our two babies. You were my rock during our two miscarriages. Outside of God, you were the only one that could truly feel my pain.

You have a gracious and loving heart. Your dedication to the people you love and your job, make me love you even more. I pray this year is THE year when everything falls perfectly into place for you.

I love you so very much. Happy birthday, babe!
♥♡♥♡ Mel

A Much Needed Break

I had my baseline ultrasound this morning at the reproductive endocrinologist. No, I am not pregnant. This ultrasound is to check my ovaries for cysts. Last month I had one on my right ovary.

This resulted in me needing my hormone levels checked. If the level was low enough, I got to continue with treatment. Well, it was low so treatment commenced.

This morning, my left ovary was clear. Right ovary had another cyst. The doctor doesn't know if it was the same one or a new cyst. It was bigger this time than last. So...he decided that it was in my best interest to sit this month out. He said this is my body's way of telling me it needs a break.

I am perfectly fine with that decision. My heart was at ease when I left the office. I cannot say enough good things about him. I had many questions, he took the time to answer all of them.

I told him that my family would like me to get a second opinion. He said that is fine, and it won't offend him. Our conversation continued, but I won't share all that was said. However, I will say that it was nothing that I haven't shared before. His belief is the same as mine, that there isn't a physical test or blood test that he hasn't conducted. There isn't a magical test out there, that can predict when I will get pregnant. Also, there is absolutely nothing physically wrong with my "parts", blood, hormones, or Scott's "men". He told me that if I ever want to get a second opinion, he will make sure I don't have to pay for my records to be sent.

Have a great weekend!

It is time to get real

I have to be honest in this post. Brutally honest. Having fertility issues sucks. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Unless you have been through what I have been through, you honestly have no freaking idea what it is like. Sure, you can imagine what it might be like. You can have empathy and sympathy for people in my shoes. Still, no clue what it is really like.

For a few months I have been asked by several people or told through the grapevine that I should get a second opinion. Here is where I have to be a witch and say leave me the heck alone. I have big enough fish to fry thank you. I know it comes from a place of concern and usually of love.

Honestly, what I need from my family and friends is support. No questions asked. Just support. Shoot me a text saying "I hope you are doing well" or pray for me. Trust me, I can use all the prayers I can get. Or answer the phone if I choose to call you and let me vent. I don't want to hear "I know this will happen for you" or "You will be such a great mother" or "God only places such burdens on his strongest warriors." All of that means nothing to me. You are not God; you don't know if I will ever have children of my own. You don't  know why some people have larger burdens to carry or more trials to go through than others. Just tell me you love me and are praying for me.

I am scared. No, beyond scared. I am terrified! Terrified that I will never have the opportunity to carry a baby full term and then bring home a healthy baby from the hospital. One that shares my DNA with Scott's DNA. To raise a child of my own. I used to think that I would be cool with adopting children if I couldn't have my own. Not anymore. I would be a liar to say differently. I desperately want the experience and joy and connection of having my own child.

Getting back to the topic of getting a second opinion. I think a big part of why I am being firm in not getting a second opinion is that I am comfortable usong the doctors I have. They haven't given up on me, why should I give up on them? I trust them implicitly. I know many people have suggested that I go see their "rival" in town. But it goes back to me being scared. I am terrified that I will go to this other doctor and be told that I will NEVER be able to have kids. That he has no other options for me. Or that I will be in the exact place I was with the other doctors.

I would much rather know that I have infertility due to PCOS or some other problem. But to be labeled as having "undiagnosed infertility" is the worst. Because then it is just "something isn't clicking, we don't know what it is. There is nothing physically wrong with you."

I feel like I am spinning my wheels and I am in a horrible nightmare. I have prayed for a child for over 5 years. I have petitioned God for a child. I have had people lay hands on me and pray multiple times. I am at a point where I am broken. I am broken mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually. The devil is screaming in my ear that the Lord has forsaken me, turned his back on me, has turned a deaf ear to my prayers and pleas. I am disgusted that I listen to it and at times believe it.

So I will wrap this up. Please just pray for me. That is the way you can show your love and support the most. Pray. Pray. Pray. Not just that Scott and I will someday soon get the news we have been wanting for so long, but that I am able to find a place of peace and calm in my Father's arms. Where I will know the next step to make and trust that He is leading my path.

Tools of the Trade

!!WARNING!!
I am attaching pictures of a couple items that I have become very familiar with over the last eight months. If you wish to not see them, close the window. It is nothing graphic...just typical ob/gyn stuff and a catheter (which you can't see).

The Torture of an Imposter

I have been on progesterone for a week now. I took the suppositories last month too. Last month I had some minor side effects from it...really emotional and hot flashes galor.

This month, there seems to be more going on. I have had emotional outbursts, hot flashes, night sweats, exhaustion, and increased trips to the bathroom. Yesterday more things started happening...smells were bothering me, food was making me dry heave and at bedtime lets just say something was in a lot of pain.

Normally a woman would experience these things and say "oh! I bet I am pregnant!" It isn't that easy for me. Progesterone is the great imitator. I creates the same biological symptoms of pregnancy. It is hard to sit or lie down and just let these symptoms be positive signs, knowing full well that there is a good chance it is just the medicine.

This really stinks. I thought I had been doing so well not thinking about the likelihood of the IUI working this month. Then I think back to all the times I have wanted to do something the past week and stopped myself because it was on the "doctor prescribed list of no-no's".

So I will try to go back to not thinking about what could be going on down in my abdomin and continue living life for the next week.