Goals and Disappointment

Negative. That is a word that can perfectly describe my thoughts the last five and a half months. I don't know why my mind allows me to think such negative thoughts all the time. When ever I am faced with a situation that I know without a doubt that it will end in a way I want it to, I can be positive. As soon as I realize that there is a chance (even just a slim chance) that it could end the opposite if how I want it to, my mind is made up that it will end poorly for me.

I was watching "Dodgeball" last night. Vince Vaughn's character said something that I can relate to perfectly...except I am the opposite way. His character said, " I find that if you have goals, you may not reach them. If you don't have goals, you won't ever be disappointed."

While I may not have many goals, I do have one goal that I go into every new month with: to get pregnant and stay pregnant. Every month I have that goal, and every month I am disappointed. Which results in me bashing myself mentally and emotionally that I did something wrong again. Maybe I need to be more like Peter (Vince's character in the movie). Maybe I need to stop having goals...apparently the one goal I have is too lofty. Now I know that isn't true. I just put way too much pressure on myself. Mentally, emotionally, and physically (from the stress of worrying).

I am going to step back and try not to make getting pregnant my first priority every month. I need to put my physical, mental, and spiritual health, along with my marriage first.

A Year of Disappointment

It is no secret that this year has been extremely difficult for me... as well as my little family.

* We learned that I have "unexplainable infertility".
* We had to put our poor boy, Rupert, to sleep unexpectedly. He was much too young to leave our lives.
* In July we found out that our second little miracle was not to be. I had to have a horrible procedure as the result.
* Scott got into some legal trouble.
* I found out I had a cyst that was growing on my ovary. Had to take a month's worth of torturous birth control pills to dissolve it.
* Scott had to have surgery on his ankle.
* My latest round of IUI did not work.
* My little girl, Anka, has been found to have a heart condition that has had me worried sick the past four days.
* I got an explanation of benefits from my previous insurance carrier that they aren't going to pay a dime of my bloodwork...so now I have to somehow come up with nearly $5000 to pay for it...without completely draining my savings account.

Yes, this has been a year of disappointments. But there have been a few blessings as well.

* Scott and I found hope in a group of wonderful doctors to help us become parents. Specifically Drs. Mooney and Maseelall.
* I have grown pretty close to a few coworkers.
* Scott and I were blessed to find out on June 2nd that we were expecting our second baby.
* I got to spend the major holidays with family.
* Scott and I found a church that we enjoy, now we just have to make sure we go every week.
*Scott's surgery was a success.
* The birth control pills did their job and dissolved my cyst.
* My family got to spend another year with our grandparents, and that is oretty awesome.
* Scott and I hosted a Christmas dinner for some family.
* My little Anka is a trooper and the doctor expects her to live.


While I may not understand why things happen the way they do, everything happens for a reason. I HAVE to let go and truly let God do His thing.

Living in Limbo

I have been in the dreaded 16 day wait for 13 days. It has been really hard on me this month. Since my dad and grandpa died, this time of year has been hard. After losing two babies it has become even more difficult.

Technically I can take a home test Saturday morning. I have decided to wait until Sunday. Saturday is my Christmas with my immediate family; I don't want to ruin it or put a damper on it if I get a negative result. BUT there is a 50-50 chance it could be positive.

Truth is, I don't know what to think is going on in my body. For the life of me I can't remember how it felt when I was pregnant before. All I can remember is that I always felt tired. The last pregnancy I craved pickles the whole time.

This month I have been really tired, but I have also been really stressed and somewhat more busy than usual. There was about a week that I had weird cramping. I craved pickles for a few days, but once I had a few they tasted gross to me. I get car sick when I am driving more than a couple of minutes. I have been dizzy a few times ans that never happens. There have been major changes in my bathroom habits, too.

I used to have horrible IBS. Now I have the opposite problem. I would love to be able to say "Obviously all the signs say I am pregnant!" But it isn't that easy. I could be having weird reactions or new sensations due to my lifestyle change at the beginning of the month. Being gluten free for a week before having my fertity treatments didn't give me a lot of time to understand what new things would be going on in my body.

I have been taking progesterone for just shy of two weeks. The thing about progesterone is it makes you feel things are occurring in you that may not truly be happening. I wish I could just take everyone's advice and stay calm and relaxed. Doing those things is not an easy task when you desperately want something so badly. Trying hard to be cautiously optimistic instead of a negative Nellie.

Spoiled Cat

What a Weekend part 2

After my insemination Saturday morning, I headed home to gather everything I needed for a day of baking and my 5k that evening. The weather was kind of treachorous in the area I was headed. I needed to head into a neighboring town to pick up my race packet.

*Note: my nurse at the doctor's office told me I couldn't run the race. However, she asked the doc if I could walk it. I got the green light as long as I took it easy and promised to stay hydrated.

After picking up the packet, I headed to my mom's house for a day of baking with her and my sister. It was only 11 a.m. but I was already exhausted. My mom and sister had already began making their cookies. I got started on making the only three things I knew were gluten free: puppy chow, buckeyes and peanut butter blossoms. Half way through my "baking" I hit a wall and laid down on the couch. It seemed to me that I never fell asleep, but my sister insists that I was down too long to not have fallen asleep.

The weather was too snowy and too cold for me to go to the race. So I was kind of bummed. Maybe next year.

Today, Scott and I went to see two of my nephews in their church Christmas pageant. It was cute, a little long, but cute. After church Scott and I headed up north to a Sam's Club to pick up somethings. Afterward we went to get lunch at a place called O'Charleys. A word of advice: not a place to go if you are on any kind of dietary restrictions. Almost everything had soy, gluten and msg in it (the soy isn't a big thing to me). While we were waiting for our food, Scott was holding my hand across the table (which he does almost everytime we go out to eat). An oldrr woman walked by and stopped ilat our table smiled and said "That is too sweet! Have a fantastic Christmas! " I love him so much!

We stopped by the local video store on the drive home and I picked up a couple movies for us. Scott and I just relaxed together for a while. I ended up falling asleep for over an hour and havent been able to do anything constructive since then.

I am praying with all my might that this is the month for our miracle baby to be created. I am looking forward to a time when I don't have to chart my temp every morning before moving in bed.

What a Weekend part 1

The past four days have been hectic for me. I really am ready for my Christmas break to start. Four days of school with students and then a day of inservice left, then two glorious weeks of vacation.

Thursday morning I had my mid-cycle ultrasound. My lining looked good and I had two very large follicles in my right ovary (I shouldn't be shocked that they were in that ovary. That side seems to be more reactive to the medications...hence the cyst from Hades.).

Friday morning I woke up very early to begin the insemination process. My husband is a champ for getting up as early as he did to "make his deposit" for me to take to the lab. I dropped off his specimen and then had 90 minutes to kill. In the past I would have just gone to get breakfast; but since going gluten free, that isn't really an option anymore. So I drove to a local grocery store to see if they had anything. Ended up with an apple and GF granola bars.

Back at the doctor's, I had the doctor from the beginning of the month ultrasound. He showed me the vial of Scott's specimen and asked "Do you know this guy?" To which I responded, yes. He then told me, "Well you are about to know him a whole lot better, so go ahead and lay on down." This caught me off guard because this doctor in particular hasn't really been a talker/joker in my past experiences. So, he completed the insemination and said everything went perfectly!

Friday I had some cramping all day and night. Saturday morning I woke up very early again, for round 2 of IUI. This time I had to leave a little earlier because the roads were getting slick from an incoming snow/sleet storm. I got to the doctor's office/lab in plenty of time and made the drop. Instead of driving around aimlessly for over an hour, like Friday, I stayed there and tried to read a magazine or two.

Tried is the key word because I was half asleep. This day of insemination I had the female doctor. She was the one that inseminated me in May when I got pregnant (hoping for a repeat of that). She was very friendly and was quick. I want to say that I had the BEST nurse that day. She is ALWAYS very thorough and explains everything that needs to be done on my part over the next couple of weeks.

I am going to pause here, as I am afraid this is long enough. To be continued in another post.

Oh Richard!

So this morning I had the first round of IUI for this month. I came home to rest a bit before heading to work. Anka, the dog, was in her cage. Oliver, our hateful cat, was oddly interested in me.

As I was getting comfy on the couch for a quick 15 minute rest, he jumped up to join me. This made me so happy because he seems to hate me recently. I was so surprised, that I took a picture and posted it on F@cebook.

At work on my lunch break, my friend Richard started talking to me. All I heard was "OMG! OMG! Were you still at the doctor's office in that picture? You looked way too happy!"

He is too much. I tried explaining to him that I was home and the cat was on my belly. For some reason he thought my doctor's office had one of those fake purring cats to put patients at ease.

What do you think? Does this look like a doctor's office? I can't believe he thought I would take a selfie DURING my procedure. Richard, Richard, Richard...

Bundle of Nerves

This month will be my 7th determining ultrasound. You would think that having done this 6 times prior I would be cool as a cucumber. This ultrasound just shows how many follicles have responded to the fertility medicine.

My body has ALWAYS responded well to the medications. There is no reason for me to think anything different would be seen tomorrow...except that I am on a new medicine.

I know that there is nothing I can do to for this month to be "the month". But I can't stop worrying. I desperately want to be able to relax and just enjoy life. Oh how I wish I could go back to my college and early 20's state of mind. I didn't worry about stuff. I just somehow knew that everything would be okay; and if it wasn't, that eventually everything would be.

I have been praying all day and last night for peace of mind and for the strength to get through this. Please pray for me.

He loves me!

♡♥♡♥He loves me. He really loves me! Now I have proof!♡♥♡♥

Secret Sidekicks

Where I work, all the staff have a "Secret Sidekick." All of our names get put into a bowl at the beginning of the year and we draw a name out. Each person fills out an information sheet of things they like or things to pray about for them. Last year, we had the same "Secret Sidekick" for the whole school year. This year, we are switching half-way through. So next week is the big reveal.

While it is fun to try to guess who has your name, a lot of people are in the dark about who has them. I have no idea who has me, but they are AWESOME! They leave me notes every now and then to encourage me and let me know they are praying for me. I have received a huge crossword puzzle book, a huge book of word searches, and candy. Tonight at work, as I was getting ready to leave, I went to my classroom to gather my belongings.

There on my desk was just what I have been craving! CHOCOLATE! Well, chocolate covered pretzels to be exact. The best part is that they were gluten free! I am so lucky to have a S.S. that is sensitive to my new dietary needs/restrictions. I try to share my snacks with my students, but these are going to be just for me.

Thanks Secret Sidekick for the yummy treat!

1.2.3.

Well I am three days into my journey of a gluten free lifestyle. It has been easier than I thought it would. While I  don't typically eat breakfast (at least an honest meal), I have been wanting a McGriddle for some reason.

I have successfully navigated my way through dinner at two different restaurants. Nothing seemed to tempt me. The hardest part has been finding a good, satisfying snack for late afternoon.

Tomorrow I hope to get some prepared gluten free food at T@rget and then some at another store which will double a coupon or two.

Abra Cadabra! Poof! Be gone!

This morning marks the start of another month on the infertility journey. Well, actually Sunday marked the beginning; today I had my baseline ultrasound. There hasn't been much sleep on my part since Sunday.

I got to my appointment this morning and was a bundle of nerves. The nurse told me which doctor I would be seeing and it was a surprise to me. Not the one I was told over the phone when I had scheduled. This wasn't a huge deal, but the "substitute doctor" hasn't been the most friendly or talkative to me. He has always come in, said hello, done the exam, and walked out.

This morning, he came in with a resident. She started the ultrasound, but seemed to not be doing a good job based on the fact that he asked her to let him do it less than 60 seconds into it. He said my lining looked good. Then he looked at my left ovary. I could tell right away it was clear.

The moment of truth was finally at hand. We would find out if the month of torture on birth control pills had done its job...was my cyst gone? I blurted out loud, "I pray to God this cyst is gone because that birth control sucked. I not doing that again!" He said, "Well you better be glad you took it because as bad as it was for you, you avoided surgery!" (Side note: I was not aware that had the cyst been there still, surgery was going to be the next step.) As he said that I turned my head to see the monitor. On the screen I could see my ovary. Praise the Lord! It was as clean as a whistle!

I was about to cry, I was so happy. We are going to do IUI again this month, but with a little tweak. Instead of Clomid, I am using Letrozole. We had used Clomid for 10 or 11 rounds (I lost track). It can form cysts on ovaries if used too much. This pill is not FDA approved for use in infertility treatments. It is supposed to be usd to treat postmenopausal women with breast cancer. More about this medicine in a future post.

Tonight I am going to bed excited that I cyst free and back on the "wagon" toward hopefully becoming a mother.