The past three years have been the most difficult of my life. I have great family and a friend or two that have stuck by me, and a husband that supports me and tries his hardest to comfort me, but even with all that I have still (at times) felt alone. Deep down I know that I have never been alone. At my darkest moments, I have been hedged in under God's hand. He alone has protected me from something I can only imagine to be so much more scary, painful and darker had I turned from Him. There are so many times I have been angry and cursed at God. He is a big God and can take it. I don't know why He would place such strong desires on my heart only for them not to be fulfilled. Many times (often more than once a day) I have to remind myself that these may only be MY plans and not God's. That is when I have to read Jeremiah 29:11-12 ESV "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord , plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you."
Even knowing that God has great plans for me doesn't make letting go of my plans any easier. God's plans for me are probably so much better than mine. I have made steps toward really, completely letting go. As you know, in May I left my job to pursue a career in nursing. Scott and I have been forced to live off one income. I recently became employed again, but have yet to start work. When I do start working, my income will be just enough a month to pay for our medical insurance. We have been okay so far monetarily because God has interceded on our behalf and has amazingly provided for us by somehow getting just enough money for tuition. Before quitting my job I had prayed about it a lot and had other people pray about it for me. He calmed my mind and told me He would provide. So here we are, trusting in our God and trying to share with others all He has revealed to us. I know the road will be bumpy (really bumpy), but we have THE BEST tour guide and navigator. It is He that will get us through.
I have been struggling and fighting in those dark moments. Thank you for sharing your heart and I am sure I will be re-reading this post for many days to come. Letting GO completely and allowing God to be the driver is so difficult for many...especially me! I remind myself daily sometimes hourly...these are his plans not mine. ~ Allison
ReplyDeletePraying for you Allison. You are a strong woman, but don't be afraid to call out to others for help. Your strength can only carry you so far, but you can draw from strength of others to help you weather the storm.
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