Goals and Disappointment

Negative. That is a word that can perfectly describe my thoughts the last five and a half months. I don't know why my mind allows me to think such negative thoughts all the time. When ever I am faced with a situation that I know without a doubt that it will end in a way I want it to, I can be positive. As soon as I realize that there is a chance (even just a slim chance) that it could end the opposite if how I want it to, my mind is made up that it will end poorly for me.

I was watching "Dodgeball" last night. Vince Vaughn's character said something that I can relate to perfectly...except I am the opposite way. His character said, " I find that if you have goals, you may not reach them. If you don't have goals, you won't ever be disappointed."

While I may not have many goals, I do have one goal that I go into every new month with: to get pregnant and stay pregnant. Every month I have that goal, and every month I am disappointed. Which results in me bashing myself mentally and emotionally that I did something wrong again. Maybe I need to be more like Peter (Vince's character in the movie). Maybe I need to stop having goals...apparently the one goal I have is too lofty. Now I know that isn't true. I just put way too much pressure on myself. Mentally, emotionally, and physically (from the stress of worrying).

I am going to step back and try not to make getting pregnant my first priority every month. I need to put my physical, mental, and spiritual health, along with my marriage first.

A Year of Disappointment

It is no secret that this year has been extremely difficult for me... as well as my little family.

* We learned that I have "unexplainable infertility".
* We had to put our poor boy, Rupert, to sleep unexpectedly. He was much too young to leave our lives.
* In July we found out that our second little miracle was not to be. I had to have a horrible procedure as the result.
* Scott got into some legal trouble.
* I found out I had a cyst that was growing on my ovary. Had to take a month's worth of torturous birth control pills to dissolve it.
* Scott had to have surgery on his ankle.
* My latest round of IUI did not work.
* My little girl, Anka, has been found to have a heart condition that has had me worried sick the past four days.
* I got an explanation of benefits from my previous insurance carrier that they aren't going to pay a dime of my bloodwork...so now I have to somehow come up with nearly $5000 to pay for it...without completely draining my savings account.

Yes, this has been a year of disappointments. But there have been a few blessings as well.

* Scott and I found hope in a group of wonderful doctors to help us become parents. Specifically Drs. Mooney and Maseelall.
* I have grown pretty close to a few coworkers.
* Scott and I were blessed to find out on June 2nd that we were expecting our second baby.
* I got to spend the major holidays with family.
* Scott and I found a church that we enjoy, now we just have to make sure we go every week.
*Scott's surgery was a success.
* The birth control pills did their job and dissolved my cyst.
* My family got to spend another year with our grandparents, and that is oretty awesome.
* Scott and I hosted a Christmas dinner for some family.
* My little Anka is a trooper and the doctor expects her to live.


While I may not understand why things happen the way they do, everything happens for a reason. I HAVE to let go and truly let God do His thing.

Living in Limbo

I have been in the dreaded 16 day wait for 13 days. It has been really hard on me this month. Since my dad and grandpa died, this time of year has been hard. After losing two babies it has become even more difficult.

Technically I can take a home test Saturday morning. I have decided to wait until Sunday. Saturday is my Christmas with my immediate family; I don't want to ruin it or put a damper on it if I get a negative result. BUT there is a 50-50 chance it could be positive.

Truth is, I don't know what to think is going on in my body. For the life of me I can't remember how it felt when I was pregnant before. All I can remember is that I always felt tired. The last pregnancy I craved pickles the whole time.

This month I have been really tired, but I have also been really stressed and somewhat more busy than usual. There was about a week that I had weird cramping. I craved pickles for a few days, but once I had a few they tasted gross to me. I get car sick when I am driving more than a couple of minutes. I have been dizzy a few times ans that never happens. There have been major changes in my bathroom habits, too.

I used to have horrible IBS. Now I have the opposite problem. I would love to be able to say "Obviously all the signs say I am pregnant!" But it isn't that easy. I could be having weird reactions or new sensations due to my lifestyle change at the beginning of the month. Being gluten free for a week before having my fertity treatments didn't give me a lot of time to understand what new things would be going on in my body.

I have been taking progesterone for just shy of two weeks. The thing about progesterone is it makes you feel things are occurring in you that may not truly be happening. I wish I could just take everyone's advice and stay calm and relaxed. Doing those things is not an easy task when you desperately want something so badly. Trying hard to be cautiously optimistic instead of a negative Nellie.

Spoiled Cat

What a Weekend part 2

After my insemination Saturday morning, I headed home to gather everything I needed for a day of baking and my 5k that evening. The weather was kind of treachorous in the area I was headed. I needed to head into a neighboring town to pick up my race packet.

*Note: my nurse at the doctor's office told me I couldn't run the race. However, she asked the doc if I could walk it. I got the green light as long as I took it easy and promised to stay hydrated.

After picking up the packet, I headed to my mom's house for a day of baking with her and my sister. It was only 11 a.m. but I was already exhausted. My mom and sister had already began making their cookies. I got started on making the only three things I knew were gluten free: puppy chow, buckeyes and peanut butter blossoms. Half way through my "baking" I hit a wall and laid down on the couch. It seemed to me that I never fell asleep, but my sister insists that I was down too long to not have fallen asleep.

The weather was too snowy and too cold for me to go to the race. So I was kind of bummed. Maybe next year.

Today, Scott and I went to see two of my nephews in their church Christmas pageant. It was cute, a little long, but cute. After church Scott and I headed up north to a Sam's Club to pick up somethings. Afterward we went to get lunch at a place called O'Charleys. A word of advice: not a place to go if you are on any kind of dietary restrictions. Almost everything had soy, gluten and msg in it (the soy isn't a big thing to me). While we were waiting for our food, Scott was holding my hand across the table (which he does almost everytime we go out to eat). An oldrr woman walked by and stopped ilat our table smiled and said "That is too sweet! Have a fantastic Christmas! " I love him so much!

We stopped by the local video store on the drive home and I picked up a couple movies for us. Scott and I just relaxed together for a while. I ended up falling asleep for over an hour and havent been able to do anything constructive since then.

I am praying with all my might that this is the month for our miracle baby to be created. I am looking forward to a time when I don't have to chart my temp every morning before moving in bed.