Who knows if this will continue

I have not blogged in roughly a year. My life has been crazy. Going to school, having clinicals in the evening, and working nights leaves me pretty tired. I just wanted to get some thoughts out on "paper" to look back on in the future. Thoughts going through my mind now so I that I can look back and say, "hey girl! Look what you did! You made it. In what may have seemed like the hardest years of your life, you made it out in one peice. You, my friend, should know by now that you can do anything you put your heart and mind to."

My spring semester did not go as I had planned. I rocked my OB/PEDS class. My Med Surg 3 class was not so spectacular. I ended up having to drop it and retake it this summer. My experience this summer has been so much different than last semester. Class is still just as difficult, but I am giving it all I have. My clinicals have been a little more challenging. The instructor really pushes us (always on our cases about our care plans). At first it annoyed me, but now I am okay with it. She is only making me better.

Last November I thought I had appendicitis. My mom took me to the ER. They said it wasn't appendicitis, but it looked like my ovary was a little enlarged with some fluid around it. My instructions were to follow up with my OB/GYN. My doctor did an ultrasound, only to find that my ovary wasn't "a little enlarged". It was the size of my fist (also the same size as my uterus). Fast forward 4 months, I ended up having the cyst removed through laproscopic surgery. My recovery didn't go as planned, I was miserable for about 3 weeks instead of the "3-5 days" my doctor said it would take. Thank goodness for my Chiropractor, who was able to adjust my abdominal muscles and my hips. The pain went away instantly.

My heart still aches for children of our own. My doctor told me at my post surgery appointment that I have endometriosis, so my chances aren't very good. If we go ahead with more treatments, it will have to be injectable medication paired with insemination. The injectable medication is really expensive. We aren't sure if that is something we want to do or not. My only other option is IVF, and we don't want to risk spending over 10 grand on a gamble.

It hurts my heart and spirit to potentially be slamming the door (and locking it) on that chapter of life. We could use some prayers about what our next step should be. Did we just say enough is enough right now? Or do we try one more round of insemination with the injectable medicines?

I was at clinicals tonight, walking to the cafeteria for our dinner break, and I suddenly got this sharp pain in my lower abdomen. I was hoping that it would just go away if I emptied my bladder. Tried that, only to find that it got worse. I hurt to sit and it hurt to stand. At that time, my anxiety started kicking in and I started having chest pain. My classmates, God love them, were really concerned and started assessing me right there in the cafeteria (not a physical, but verbal). One offered to take a clinical miss and drive me to the emergency department near my town. Thankfully, mom came to the rescue again and picked me up at school to take me to the ED. My vital signs were all good at the hospital. My EKG looked okay. They are sending a urine sample for culture to rule out a nasty UTI. After questions and a couple abdominal palpations, they deemed that I "probably" had a cyst rupture. There was nobody there to do an ultrasound to confirm, but I a supposed to follow up with my OB/GYN as soon as possible.

Good gravy, I need a vacation.Luckily, that is coming up in a few weeks! I cannot wait to get away for a week to relax and see new sights. The only thing standing in my way is 1 test and 1 final. Prayers for a successful end of the semester for me and for improved health!

Today's Prayer

I haven't posted anything in almost a year. Life has gotten...busy? Hard? Consuming? Scary? I feel like I need to post today. Not an update about what is going on in my life, but a prayer. So if you choose to leave the page now, no offense. If you choose to stay and read my prayer, please pray it with me, for me, or alter it to fit what you need covered in prayer today. If you have a specific prayer request, please leave me a comment or send me an email.

Lord God, I come to you with a frightened  and anxious heart. Lord, you know my heart before I do. The thoughts in my head are not new to you. Father, I need your strength today, tomorrow, and the rest of the week. I need your strength everyday and will need it everyday here on out. Lord, I feel like I am drowning with school. My mind is swimming in a thousand different directions and it seems none of them are toward you. There is a dark force at work trying to bring me down. To turn from you. Father, I know that it is not of you. It is using those around me to cast doubt upon what I am supposed to be doing. Casting doubt on my ability to finish my schooling successfully. Father God, my friends and I can feel it trying to dampen our spirits. Trying plant seeds of doubt and destruction in our minds.
Lord, hear my plea and cover me with your righteousness and favor. Hedge me in and lead us through this darkness. I know that with you all things are possible, the devil knows that too. He knows that the flesh is weak and is trying to sever my bond with you. Lord, protect my friends and I from this snake and cast light onto the path we need to take. The path may be rough, we know that, but can handle what comes our way with you guiding us and shielding us with favor. In your heavenly name, Amen.

Psalm 5:12 ESV

For you bless the righteous, O Lord ; you cover him with favor as with a shield.

Unanswered Prayers

Have you ever wanted something with all your heart and soul? Something you would make a major sacrifice for? Prayed and prayed and prayed for it only to find your prayer remains umanswered?

The past six years I have been in that situation. It won't take a genius to figure out what I prayed for daily. For roughly 72 months I would pray daily for a baby. When it would get close to the time for my cycle to start I would get really anxious. My prayer would become an obsession. I never wanted to "find" evidence that my prayer was once again unanswered.

For the first time in 73/74 months I have not been praying for my cycle to stay away. I have been doing just the opposite for the past few days. My nerves were starting to kick in because I wasn't feeling amy of my typical PMS symptoms. The details from my doctor appointment two weeks ago were swirling around in my head.

I desperately wanted to get my cycle. Not because it is such a pleasant experience, but because it would mean something. If I got my cycle it meant that I may or may not be ovulating. While I don't know if ovulation took place this month, I know that my body is at least trying to do what it is supposed to. Imagine my excitement when my prayer was answered this week. Never did I think I would be so happy to start my cycle!

Second Step in a New Direction

So the decision to leave my career as a teacher was driven by God. The first step in my journey to a new career was starting nursing school. I hit the ground running in May and haven't looked back once. Sure, I was a little unsure of my decision the first week of classes but that disappeared quickly. Merely just a case of jitters.

I was hoping to find a job at Aultman Hospital. I applied for any job I thought I was even remotely qualified for. My desire to find a job there was twofold. I was going to be down there 4 days a week, I might as well get paid to be there. Also, if I were to be an employee I would get 25% off my tuition each semester. That would save me some big bucks.

It seemed that my attempts to become employed there were in vain. I branched out my job search to all the other nearby hospitals. I applied for food service, housekeeping, being a patient transporter, nurses aide, and secretary. Low and behold, I managed an interview at a large hospital for a unit secretary position. The interview went really well. The interviewer told me that if I could rearrange my Mondays and Fridays, she would give me a shot at the job. That was July 2nd.

August rolled around and I really didn't know anything about my status. I made some phone calls and was finally offered the job. I am pretty excited about it. Pretty sure it will be a hectic job and possibly pretty stressful. My training starts tomorrow, which I am very thankful for. Originally I wasn't going to be trained until the second week of September. If this would have happened, I would have had to miss an entire week of classes.

Looking forward to this next phase of my journey!

Best Laid Plans

     The past three years have been the most difficult of my life. I have great family and a friend or two that have stuck by me, and a husband that supports me and tries his hardest to comfort me, but even with all that I have still (at times) felt alone. Deep down I know that I have never been alone. At my darkest moments, I have been hedged in under God's hand. He alone has protected me from something I can only imagine to be so much more scary, painful and darker had I turned from Him. There are so many times I have been angry and cursed at God. He is a big God and can take it. I don't know why He would place such strong desires on my heart only for them not to be fulfilled. Many times (often more than once a day) I have to remind myself that these may only be MY plans and not God's. That is when I have to read Jeremiah 29:11-12 ESV "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord , plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you."

Even knowing that God has great plans for me doesn't make letting go of my plans any easier. God's plans for me are probably so much better than mine. I have made steps toward really, completely letting go. As you know, in May I left my job to pursue a career in nursing. Scott and I have been forced to live off one income. I recently became employed again, but have yet to start work. When I do start working, my income will be just enough a month to pay for our medical insurance. We have been okay so far monetarily because God has interceded on our behalf and has amazingly provided for us by somehow getting just enough money for tuition. Before quitting my job I had prayed about it a lot and had other people pray about it for me. He calmed my mind and told me He would provide. So here we are, trusting in our God and trying to share with others all He has revealed to us. I know the road will be bumpy (really bumpy), but we have THE BEST tour guide and navigator. It is He that will get us through.