In the world of Special Education there are a lot of goals and benchmarks. Why wouldn't an Intervention Specialist have their own IEP of sorts? Here is my rough draft of my own IHP (Individualized Health Plan).
Goal One: Get Healthy
Benchmarks:
1. Eat a more balanced diet.
2. Exercise at least four days a week.
3. Get stronger by completing strength training on a regular basis.
4. Lose at least sixty pounds at a moderate to slow pace as to keep it off.
Goal Two: Get Pregnant and Stay Pregnant
Benchmarks:
1. Lose weight in a healthy way.
2. Take vitamins daily and as scheduled.
3. Try to relax and live as stress free as possible.
4. Pray without ceasing for God's direction and for discernment.
5. Give it to God. For real. Quit trying to be in control.
I have had success with goal one and I am striving to be successful with all of my benchmarks in goal two. Goal one successes: have been on a gluten free diet for a little over two months, I have started exercising several times a week (but need to be consistent over a course of weeks), I have been strength training as planned but need to step up my cardio, I am down 27.2 pounds since starting.
Goal two successes: (well obviously I am not pregnant or you would have heard me shouting for joy) I am losing weight in a healthy manner and at a good pace, I have been following my doctor's orders to a tee as far as vitamins and meds are concerned, I have been trying to be stress free but that is next to impossible. I have started to go back to my support group and the exercising helps with the stress relief. I have been praying a lot, but have changed up my prayer compared to how I used to pray. The last benchmark I am really struggling with.
Last week in group someone said that they had to realize that they weren't God and let it go. Once they did that, things started to get better for them. I sat and thought to myself for a while. I realized that I too had thought that I was in someway God. I foolishly thought I was God and that I could make things go the way I wanted if I just tried harder. Boy was that a wake-up call. I really need to stop doing what I had been doing (which was insane) and once and for all truly let go and give it to God. He knows what is best for me.
2.09.2014
Getting to Know Myself
I think my weight loss and desire to get healthier has caused a change in me. I have always been an introvert and I am pretty sure I will always be one. For as long as I can remember I have felt uncomfortable in my own body.
I am my own worst critic. My view of myself is probably more harsh than others. I tend to think that people automatically judge me based on how I look rather than WHO I am. I assume that I am not my biggest fan, that other people have no choice but to feel the same.
Since working out and shedding some poundage, I am becoming slightly more comfortable with myself. I don't see a huge change in how I look or feel. My energy is slightly higher and my clothes are all a bit big.
I redeemed one of my personal training sessions today. I was terrified. The man who is my trainer was kind of intimidating in my mind prior to my session. Truth of the matter is he isn't. He made me feel like I could do anything he threw at me and was quick to tell me "Good job" or "That isn't challenging, is it?" Or "I think that is a bit too heavy for now".
I somehow finished my hour of training without crying, throwing up, having a panic attack or giving up. He has challenged me to doing an hour of core work next week. I stupidly said "I will try anything once as long as it doesn't kill me." If you don't hear from me or see me after 4:00 next Sunday you will know why.
In the 6 months I have been working toward a more healthy me, there are a few things I can be proud of (which will be another post of its own). I have come farther than I thought possible, and I have a LOT farther to go. No matter how slow or fast the journey is, I am determined to see it through to the end. Slow and steady wins the race, right?
I am my own worst critic. My view of myself is probably more harsh than others. I tend to think that people automatically judge me based on how I look rather than WHO I am. I assume that I am not my biggest fan, that other people have no choice but to feel the same.
Since working out and shedding some poundage, I am becoming slightly more comfortable with myself. I don't see a huge change in how I look or feel. My energy is slightly higher and my clothes are all a bit big.
I redeemed one of my personal training sessions today. I was terrified. The man who is my trainer was kind of intimidating in my mind prior to my session. Truth of the matter is he isn't. He made me feel like I could do anything he threw at me and was quick to tell me "Good job" or "That isn't challenging, is it?" Or "I think that is a bit too heavy for now".
I somehow finished my hour of training without crying, throwing up, having a panic attack or giving up. He has challenged me to doing an hour of core work next week. I stupidly said "I will try anything once as long as it doesn't kill me." If you don't hear from me or see me after 4:00 next Sunday you will know why.
In the 6 months I have been working toward a more healthy me, there are a few things I can be proud of (which will be another post of its own). I have come farther than I thought possible, and I have a LOT farther to go. No matter how slow or fast the journey is, I am determined to see it through to the end. Slow and steady wins the race, right?
2.04.2014
Workin' the Steps
In July I started going to Emotions Anonymous meetings once a week. They were so good for me. I enjoyed them and looked forward to going.
They have a saying there, "Give us three months and if you don't feel you are getting anything out of it, we will gladly give you back your miseries." I gave them just shy of three months. Then for some reason I stopped going. I realized tonight that I WAS in fact benefiting from the meetings. That is why the devil interjected himself and made me think I didn't need them anymore.
Tonight I went back to a meeting for the first time in like four months. I felt kind of strange being there, but I am going to keep going back. My nerves were better when I left.
They have a saying there, "Give us three months and if you don't feel you are getting anything out of it, we will gladly give you back your miseries." I gave them just shy of three months. Then for some reason I stopped going. I realized tonight that I WAS in fact benefiting from the meetings. That is why the devil interjected himself and made me think I didn't need them anymore.
Tonight I went back to a meeting for the first time in like four months. I felt kind of strange being there, but I am going to keep going back. My nerves were better when I left.
2.03.2014
How shall I compare thee?
How shall I compare thee? If I were to compare my life right now to something it would be a black hole or a vacuum. Why? Because to me it feels lile my life sucks right now.
I am in a state of partial panic, partial depression, and a lot of feeling lost. I am panicking because it feels lile I am NEVER going to have a baby of my own. People keeps asking me about adoption. Before I got pregnant the first time that was a very real possibility. But I ended up pregnant and out that off. Now that I know I can/could get pregnant (albeit with help), I can't imagine going that route again. At least not yet.
I am depressed. Had the devil not stolen and destroyed my first pregnancy, my precious baby would almost be 1 year old. Had that demon not stolen my second baby, I would be very large and due any day now. To top it off, yesterday was the 10th anniversary of my dear father's passing. Sometimes it still doesn't feel real. This year was particularly hard because he passed shortly after the Super Bowl.
Lastly, I feel so lost. My heart is being torn in different directions. One minute I am so mad at God for "letting my babies die". The next I am crying to Him, begging for help and discernment. Repenting for every sin I can think of. Then five minutes later that dang devil is yelling in my ear. "HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU! YOU ARE UNLOVEABLE! HE HAS FORSAKEN YOU!" I know that these are all lies. I pray that someday really soon I will be able to just turn the "noise" off and listen and RECOGNIZE the Voice of Truth.
I am in a state of partial panic, partial depression, and a lot of feeling lost. I am panicking because it feels lile I am NEVER going to have a baby of my own. People keeps asking me about adoption. Before I got pregnant the first time that was a very real possibility. But I ended up pregnant and out that off. Now that I know I can/could get pregnant (albeit with help), I can't imagine going that route again. At least not yet.
I am depressed. Had the devil not stolen and destroyed my first pregnancy, my precious baby would almost be 1 year old. Had that demon not stolen my second baby, I would be very large and due any day now. To top it off, yesterday was the 10th anniversary of my dear father's passing. Sometimes it still doesn't feel real. This year was particularly hard because he passed shortly after the Super Bowl.
Lastly, I feel so lost. My heart is being torn in different directions. One minute I am so mad at God for "letting my babies die". The next I am crying to Him, begging for help and discernment. Repenting for every sin I can think of. Then five minutes later that dang devil is yelling in my ear. "HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU! YOU ARE UNLOVEABLE! HE HAS FORSAKEN YOU!" I know that these are all lies. I pray that someday really soon I will be able to just turn the "noise" off and listen and RECOGNIZE the Voice of Truth.
Changes?
I am considering something pretty drastic this year. If I go through with my "plans", I would be going out on a limb. Totally trusting that God will not only have my back and Scott's back, but that He will completely protect us and provide for all our needs.
A few things have to fall into place for me to jump both feet into this. Should the Lord bless us with a baby in the next few months, we (Scott and I) will have to rethink our (my) plans. I am SO BEYOND BLESSED with a husband that wants nothing more than for me to be happy. He is behind me and is willing to be the support I need.
A few things have to fall into place for me to jump both feet into this. Should the Lord bless us with a baby in the next few months, we (Scott and I) will have to rethink our (my) plans. I am SO BEYOND BLESSED with a husband that wants nothing more than for me to be happy. He is behind me and is willing to be the support I need.
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