Pages

2.03.2014

How shall I compare thee?

How shall I compare thee? If I were to compare my life right now to something it would be a black hole or a vacuum. Why? Because to me it feels lile my life sucks right now.

I am in a state of partial panic, partial depression, and a lot of feeling lost. I am panicking because it feels lile I am NEVER going to have a baby of my own. People keeps asking me about adoption. Before I got pregnant the first time that was a very real possibility. But I ended up pregnant and out that off. Now that I know I can/could get pregnant (albeit with help), I can't imagine going that route again. At least not yet.

I am depressed. Had the devil not stolen and destroyed my first pregnancy, my precious baby would almost be 1 year old. Had that demon not stolen my second baby, I would be very large and due any day now. To top it off, yesterday was the 10th anniversary of my dear father's passing.  Sometimes it still doesn't feel real. This year was particularly hard because he passed shortly after the Super Bowl.

Lastly, I feel so lost. My heart is being torn in different directions. One minute I am so mad at God for "letting my babies die". The next I am crying to Him, begging for help and discernment. Repenting for every sin I can think of. Then five minutes later that dang devil is yelling in my ear. "HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU! YOU ARE UNLOVEABLE! HE HAS FORSAKEN YOU!" I know that these are all lies. I pray that someday really soon I will be able to just turn the "noise" off and listen and RECOGNIZE the Voice of Truth.

No comments:

Post a Comment