Results and Decisions

Well, Tuesday was the big day. I had to go in for a quick blood draw to test my Estrogen, Progesterone, and most importantly,  my HcG. After that was taken care of, the doctor called me back into his office. He went over my options again, should I not be pregnant, and then told me I had some decisions to make. As I was leaving, I mentioned that I only had two prenatal vitamins left and asked if I should just start taking my OTC vitamins that I was taking prior to taking the samples I had been on the past 3 weeks. The nurse gave me a box of sample packs that should last a month.

When I went to pay my copay, the receptionist handed me a paper to fill out for a prescription vitamin that the doctor would fill out which one he wants me to take and then fax it it. This company is a mail order company. It is costing me 18 bucks a month to have a 30 day supply sent to my home. They are on automatic refill, so I don't have to worry about running out. They are very similar to the Vitafol Ultra I had been taking, except this one doesn't have the Folate in it. It only has the synthetic folic acid, which I am not too keen on.

Around 1:30 I called the office to get my results. Unfortunately, no baby this month. I held it together over the phone, but lost it once I hung up. To my slight surprise, I really only got REALLY upset for about 5-10 minutes. I cried. I threw the box of prenatal vitamins across the room at the door. I drank a beer even though it was only 2:00 in the afternoon. I told Scott and then texted a couple family members and friends.

I say I was only slightly surprised that I was upset for ONLY a short period, because I had been praying about the situation. While I knew there was a chance that I would get pregnant with a natural cycle and IUI, I wasn't super amped about it because it was such a small chance. Going into the 2 week wait, I wanted to be optimistic, but not overly optimistic. My heart knew to prepare for bad news. I had been praying for God to be with me and prepare my heart for the possibility of a not optimal outcome. I had been journaling through a devotional on infertility. I kept petitioning for God to go before me and be there to soften the blow.

God was there for me. He was faithful. Even though I didn't get the answer to so many prayers by so many people, He still answered some of my prayers. The Lord showed that my ovary still works. That my hormones are good. He answered my prayer that I could handle a negative result. In the struggle and the wait, He was faithful. I felt at peace after the initial sting wore off. I feel at peace now.

If my potential egg donor is a good match and is able to produce some really good blastocysts with Scott's sperm, then the battle is half over. I know that seeking out a second opinion is either MY will or GOD'S will. I pray that it is God's will and that using this egg donor is His answer to our many years of prayer and petitions. I have claimed a child. I have claimed that I WILL be a mother. I have every confidence that God will answer my prayer and petition. He wouldn't have placed this desire on my heart and kept it there (even after begging and praying for Him to remove this desire if it wasn't His will). Whether this child that I know will someday end up in my arms and in my home has my DNA, my donor's DNA, or is born in my heart all will be well. It will be well with my soul.

My heart may ache every now and then with the notion that I will never bear life from my body, but my desire to be a mom is way stronger than I can ever describe. God is good and faithful even if we don't understand why things happen the way they do.

Of three things I am sure:
- my family loves Scott and me, and supports us no matter what route we take to having children
-Scott loves me more than I deserve to be loved. We will make a pretty good parenting duo and will be completely smitten with a child. They will likely be spoiled rotten as we have waited so long and worked so hard to bring them into our lives.
- God loves me way more than I can even fathom. He has good plans for me. Not of failure and sadness, but of success, happiness, and goodness. I may not see these plans as being good for me in the moment, but I trust and have faith. I trust and know that He is a good God, a BIG God, and a sovereign God.

Big things are going to happen for Scott and I. I feel at peace with our decision. Whether we have success with our egg donor and IVF or not, I know it isn't the end of our journey. And I know that God will still be good.

Two Weeks In

Since it is technically the 18th, I am officially done with the two week wait. I go in this morning to have my beta drawn to test my hcg levels. I am hoping and praying that I get "egg-cellent" news. My heart can't take anymore defeat.

My "symptoms" aren't very consistent. My fatigue is getting slightly better. I got some really good sleep Sunday morning and Monday afternoon, hopefully that is reason for the improvement. I get occasional nausea or a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have been pretty thirsty today. I am craving carbs, but I think that is a nerves thing.

Scott is playing it cool and doesn't ever bring it up. I don't know if he I scared or nervous or just plain has no emotion or thoughts on the matter. I asked him to pray for me tonight. He wrapped his arms around me and closed his eyes...but didn't say a word out loud. I guess I should have clarified that I wanted to hear it...to help calm my mind.

I have no idea what the results are going to be tomorrow. I can only pray that I am in fact pregnant. Today (Tuesday) is cycle day 28 for me. I usually start spotting on day 27 or at least having cramps or become more emotional. I've got nothing going on...which makes me nervous. Nervous that I am not pregnant, just going to have a 30 day cycle this month or something.

Then I start thinking, "well, even if I might be pregnant, I can't enjoy it." I will be stressed every waking moment that a random twinge of pain could mean I am losing it. Or the constant checking of the toilet tissue after using the restroom for signs of loss. I don't think I will be able to enjoy a pregnancy until I am close to full term. I never want to hear a heartbeat, then have it taken from me again. If I pregnant, it better stick this time. Lord knows how hard it has been to lose my two babies, I couldn't handle losing another one.

Prayers and we'll wishes would be appreciated.

One Week In

So I am one week into the dreaded two week wait. Last week I was up late and then up and out the door to the doctor's office, long before the sun was up...every single day but Friday. That schedule, coupled with school, work, and emotional wear and tear had left me exhausted. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. I have recovered mentally and emotionally but I CANNOT recover physically. Each day I seem to get more and more tired.

I rest as much as I possibly can. I take one or two naps a day and sleep a solid 6-9 hours a night. Maybe my problem is that I am resting TOO much and not moving enough. Highly likely, but I just like to think that I am not resting enough.

I am trying to be optimistic while remaining a realist. There have been some bodily function that are strange going on (but I am trying not to look into it too much). I fee like I am either starving or I have zero appetite, no in between. Things sound good and then when I make them or go to eat them, I have no interest in eating them. Like last night at midnight, I all of a sudden wanted apple and cabbage salad. Scott opened the jar for me I took two small bites and was immediately grossed out by it, yet today I ate almost a whole cup of it in one sitting.

I sure hope these are good things, but don't want to get too excited. I wish tomorrow was the 18th so I could get an answer, yet I don't want the 18th to come because I can't handle hearing disappointing news. Prayers would be appreciated! Have a good end of your work week!

Next Steps

In our efforts to have a baby this past week or so, I have been trying to keep my family updated with the pertinents. I shared with them that the doctor suggested using donor eggs should we not fall pregnant this month. I jokingly sent a text to my mom, siblings, and brother-in-law requesting any extra eggs they have lying around. My brother responded with "We have a dozen in the fridge you can have." My brother-in-law responded with "Putting the 'us' back in uterus."

David's little joke made me laugh at a time when I really needed some comedic relief. Other than their responses, I had radio silence. The next two days I had some people reach out to me regarding egg donation. Wanting to know the process  and when we would be wanting to do this. Without putting too much information out there at this time (because we have only just started the process and don't know if they would be a good candidate), we have a potential donor! This donor would need to have a full work up (should I not be pregnant this month) and then we would have to wait for the doctor to give a thumbs up that she is a good candidate. We then wait for a time when we have more money to pay for this (so if anyone has an extra 11 grand laying around that they don't need, I would be more than happy to take it off your hands).

I am still in disbelief that we have a potential donor. Someone that would be so selfless! My eyes well up with tears everyone I think about it. God is good, and I pray that should we need to go this route, the finances and everything else just fall into place.

Week in Review

I just wanted to write down a recap for my own record of what took place at the RE this week.
Monday: bloodwork and ultrasound. Got the green light for insemination.

Tuesday: bloodwork and ultrasound. First day of insemination. Dr. Spirtos mentioned that egg donation for IVF would probably be our best best for conceiving. Secretary called in the afternoon, come in for insemination again tomorrow as my LH levels were still rising.

Wednesday: bloodwork and ultrasound. Second day of insemination. Dr. Spirtos reiterated egg donation. His office called in the afternoon; he wants me to come back in the morning for more bloodwork and another ultrasound.

Thursday: bloodwork and ultrasound. Ovulation has been confirmed as my follie appeared swollen and misshapen compared to Wednesday. Checked bloodwork results in afternoon, ovulation had indeed taken place as my LH levels were decreased.

Now we wait. The rest is in God's hands. I know I should be praying fervently right now, but I am just exhausted. This is exactly when I should be relying on Him; instead all I want to do it sleep. Please pray for Scott and me over the next 10 days. I need peace in my soul and to feel united with my husband. This week has been hard on us, as it is once again a reminder that he is very logical in thinking while this old girl is the opposite...all emotionally reactive.