Results and Decisions

Well, Tuesday was the big day. I had to go in for a quick blood draw to test my Estrogen, Progesterone, and most importantly,  my HcG. After that was taken care of, the doctor called me back into his office. He went over my options again, should I not be pregnant, and then told me I had some decisions to make. As I was leaving, I mentioned that I only had two prenatal vitamins left and asked if I should just start taking my OTC vitamins that I was taking prior to taking the samples I had been on the past 3 weeks. The nurse gave me a box of sample packs that should last a month.

When I went to pay my copay, the receptionist handed me a paper to fill out for a prescription vitamin that the doctor would fill out which one he wants me to take and then fax it it. This company is a mail order company. It is costing me 18 bucks a month to have a 30 day supply sent to my home. They are on automatic refill, so I don't have to worry about running out. They are very similar to the Vitafol Ultra I had been taking, except this one doesn't have the Folate in it. It only has the synthetic folic acid, which I am not too keen on.

Around 1:30 I called the office to get my results. Unfortunately, no baby this month. I held it together over the phone, but lost it once I hung up. To my slight surprise, I really only got REALLY upset for about 5-10 minutes. I cried. I threw the box of prenatal vitamins across the room at the door. I drank a beer even though it was only 2:00 in the afternoon. I told Scott and then texted a couple family members and friends.

I say I was only slightly surprised that I was upset for ONLY a short period, because I had been praying about the situation. While I knew there was a chance that I would get pregnant with a natural cycle and IUI, I wasn't super amped about it because it was such a small chance. Going into the 2 week wait, I wanted to be optimistic, but not overly optimistic. My heart knew to prepare for bad news. I had been praying for God to be with me and prepare my heart for the possibility of a not optimal outcome. I had been journaling through a devotional on infertility. I kept petitioning for God to go before me and be there to soften the blow.

God was there for me. He was faithful. Even though I didn't get the answer to so many prayers by so many people, He still answered some of my prayers. The Lord showed that my ovary still works. That my hormones are good. He answered my prayer that I could handle a negative result. In the struggle and the wait, He was faithful. I felt at peace after the initial sting wore off. I feel at peace now.

If my potential egg donor is a good match and is able to produce some really good blastocysts with Scott's sperm, then the battle is half over. I know that seeking out a second opinion is either MY will or GOD'S will. I pray that it is God's will and that using this egg donor is His answer to our many years of prayer and petitions. I have claimed a child. I have claimed that I WILL be a mother. I have every confidence that God will answer my prayer and petition. He wouldn't have placed this desire on my heart and kept it there (even after begging and praying for Him to remove this desire if it wasn't His will). Whether this child that I know will someday end up in my arms and in my home has my DNA, my donor's DNA, or is born in my heart all will be well. It will be well with my soul.

My heart may ache every now and then with the notion that I will never bear life from my body, but my desire to be a mom is way stronger than I can ever describe. God is good and faithful even if we don't understand why things happen the way they do.

Of three things I am sure:
- my family loves Scott and me, and supports us no matter what route we take to having children
-Scott loves me more than I deserve to be loved. We will make a pretty good parenting duo and will be completely smitten with a child. They will likely be spoiled rotten as we have waited so long and worked so hard to bring them into our lives.
- God loves me way more than I can even fathom. He has good plans for me. Not of failure and sadness, but of success, happiness, and goodness. I may not see these plans as being good for me in the moment, but I trust and have faith. I trust and know that He is a good God, a BIG God, and a sovereign God.

Big things are going to happen for Scott and I. I feel at peace with our decision. Whether we have success with our egg donor and IVF or not, I know it isn't the end of our journey. And I know that God will still be good.