Catch up

So, just when I was getting in to the habit of blogging on a regular basis, I had to self-impose a blogging ban. I found out I was pregnant, which was the best news ever! I made myself stop updating about our infertility journey, just in-case something happened to the pregnancy. I didn't want to have to explain anything. Instead of just continuing to blog, I went in an unhealthy direction and became intrigued OBSESSED with any website I could find that had to do with pregnancy and even better...if it had a message board! My life quickly became all about this tiny embryo that I had been waiting for so long to claim as my own.

There were many doctor appointments, blood draws, ultrasounds. This whole being "high risk" and seeing a specialist had its perks. I had three great ultrasounds in less than a month. I got to see my little lentil growing, albeit a very slow growth (which would end up being a problem) and Scott and I got to hear a little heartbeat. Hearing that heartbeat was a double edge sword to me. The bright side was that I got to hear a working, embryonic heart. The bad thing was, as soon as I heard it, I knew something was wrong. Normal baby heartbeats sound like a horse galloping, you know strong, loud and fast. My baby's heartbeat was not so loud, not so strong and the opposite of fast. Hearing a pulse of 77 is great for an adult...not so great for a developing baby. My doctor was so supportive and great. He told us to have faith, it could be one of two things. Either the heart had JUST started to beat that day and was "warming up" or the heart was not strong enough and the baby was on its way to its "demise". No newly expectant parent wants to hear "your baby may be on its way to its demise", however there is no delicate way to state it.

I was SOOOOO grateful that Scott was there and was able to hear its little heartbeat. We prayed a lot over the next week. We went to the next ultrasound, July 3rd. We believe in a Lord of miracles. In our hearts and our minds, we knew that a miracle could have happened and our little lentil's heart could have gotten stronger. I was so desperately trying to stay positive and upbeat, but I had a horrible feeling that morning. Our wonderful doctor was trying to be optimistic, too...right up to the last minute. During the ultrasound, he measured the sac and the embryo. Both had grown in the past week, which was great news. Then he turned on the sound to find the heartbeat...radio silence. There was nothing. I immediately started the silent, ugly cry. You know the one, where your body is like contorting and you look like you are having a seizure, but you don't make a sound. FYI, this is a very painful way to cry with an ultrasound wand still inside your lady parts. My doctor apologized and seemed to be just as upset as we were. He excused himself and waited for me to get it together and come out of the exam room.

He told me to go home and come back in a few days to discuss our options. I wasn't about to do that. I told him that I was okay and I wanted to know my options then, not have to come back and rehash everything. Long story, tried to be made shorter, I decided to get a D&C. I couldn't stomach the thought of walking around for an unknown period of time, waiting for my body to recognize that my baby had died and pass it on its own. So, I scheduled my surgery and went home. The next few days were horrible sucked royally.

And I think that is where I am going to end this little trip down memory lane. Next installment...the end of a dream.