Breaking Point

UPDATE: I am not pregnant. While a bit sad, I am okay with it. This negative result has pushed me both feet into opening a new door. More on that sometime in the next week.

**Warning: this post has a lot of "stream of consciousness" writing. Sorry if it isn't very cohesive!**

So the big day is coming up. Saturday I will take my final pregnancy test for a while. I don't know what to think about it. I feel a little sad and disappointed that all the time, money and effort we put into getting pregnant over the last year got us no where. Well, it did get us some where. We got some needed information about my blood disorder and the great news that I am not a carrier for a few common disorders. It also got us a lot of prayers which are always appreciated and are still wanted.

To be completely honest, I would be a liar if I said I wasn't ready for a break. This journey has taken a toll on Scott and I. Scott feels like he is sometimes "just a donor". We both have been on an emotional roller coaster; but as I am the one getting all the meds, my emotions are much more unpredictable. Physically and mentally I am drained. As much as I desperately want to be a mother and would love to love on a mini Scott, I don't think I could take much more of it. I want need a break.

Scott and I need to work on our relationship again.  I am embarrassed to say that I have not put Scott's need on my priority list. Shoot, they haven't even been on my radar. That makes me really sad; he is always saying nice things to me, showing me affection, doing unexpected things for me. I am too concerned with my wants/needs and focused on all the "bad things that keep happening to me". He has been such a rock and a soft place for me to land. My partner, best friend, love of my life and biggest cheerleader needs to have the same treatment from me.

Taking this time off, for however long it happens to be, will be good. I hope to continue to improve our physical health, emotional health, mental health and financial health. But most importantly- our spiritual health. Scott and I joined a connect group at our church. We have had two meetings so far. I have really enjoyed it and am learning more and more about myself and my walk with Christ. I pray that this can open up more doors for our relationship and life in general.

Earth to Stomach

Since going gluten free in December my relationship with food has obviously changed. A lot. I think before being GF I was living to eat. Since going GF, I am more on the path of eating to live.

I used to be a sugar junkie. I couldn't get enough. Now, I have random days (sporadically) that I crave sweets. These days are luckily few and far between. I eat something(s) sweet and the craving is gone.

The past four days things have changed. A lot. I can't seem to get enough to eat. The good news is that I am wanting more than just sweets. For instance, I haven't been much of a fan of meat my adult life. I would much rather just eat other things. The past few days I cannot get enough chicken salad, eggs, and peanut butter. The chicken salad craving is ridiculous!

One other thing I cannot get enough of is sweet potatoes. I had sweet potato fries two night in a row. Then this afternoon I popped open a bag of sweet potato chips.

I am terrified to go to the gym tomorrow and get on the scale. I know I have gained some weight back. Hoping it is minimal like a pound, but I have a feeling it will be more like two or three. My brain needs to get on the same page as my stomach so this out of control behavior creates a huge problem.

Our Journey to a Family

I am linking up with Kelly from kellyskornerblog.com for a post on infertility. For those of you that keep up with my and Scott's journey, here is a little refresher. For first time readers, thanks for stopping by.

Our story in bullet points:
*married in June 2003- decided to wait five years to get settled before having kids

*April 2008- we started the whole "trying but not trying" route for starting a family

*January 2012- still no pregnancies. Find a new gynecologist to see and discuss what may be going on.

*April or May 2012 (I can't remember the exact month because it all seems to run together)- I start using Clomaphine Citrate for follicle stimulation under the guidance of my gynecologist.

*July 2012- the Clomid worked! Found out I was pregnant August 3rd.

*August 25th 2013- devastated to find that my hcg levels had dropped. Miscarriage was imminent.

*September 2013- my Dr wants us to wait until November to try again.

*December 2013- Dr finally gives us the green light to try again, with the warning that this will be the last month he will prescribe Clomid for us.

*January 2013- negative HPT. I take matters into my own hands and contact a local group of REs.

* Early February 2013- meet with my new RE to discuss what has been going on and such. Have a baseline ultrasound and a bunch of blood work to get an idea of what is going on.

*Mid-February 2013- start Clomid again but with ultrasounds throughout the month.

*March and April- Clomid with IUI. N success.

*May 2013- Clomid with IUI again.

*June 2nd- POSITIVE HPT!! Thrilled to pieces!

*July 3rd 2013- 3rd ultrasound at fertility clinic. The heartbeat we saw the week before was no longer there. Devastation.

*July 10th- As much as I didn't want to be in the position I was in, I had a D & C. It went as well as one could go. My doctor ordered a ton of blood work to try to determine why I was now a statistic: multiple miscarriages.

*August 2013- Got the results of my blood work. I have a blood clotting disorder, there is no cure. Rx: low dose aspirin daily, once pregnant have to get daily shots of blood thinners.

*September 2013- try IUI with Clomid one more time. No success.

*October 2013- go in for a baseline ultrasound at my RE office. Dr sees a cyst on my right ovary. No treatments this month to try to get it to dissolve on its own.

*November 2013- Go back to my RE to check on cyst. Not only is it still there, but it is larger than before. Put on Previfem for a month to dissolve the cyst. Start seeing an acupuncturist.

*December 2013- Praise the Lord! My cyst is gone. Try IUI again, this time with a different medication. Clomid was the culprit for my cyst. Now on to Letrozole.

*January 2014- Scott was "incapacitated" during the weekend of "go time", so we decided to for go the IUI and went the time intercourse route.

*February 2014- Scott and I decided to give IUI one last go around. If it doesn't work this month we are taking a break for a few months.

Happy Birthday Gabe!

Thursday was my nephew Gabe's 5th birthday. I can't wrap my head around how fast the time has flown by and I'm not even his mother! Gabe is a firecracker. You never know what is going to come out of his mouth. He can be as rambunctious as can be one minute, testing every ounce of patience you have left. The next minute, he will be so sweet, cuddly and helpful. This boy has a desire to be a "man's man". He LOVES to be outside, go scouting for duck and geese with his dad, fishing, and deer hunting.

His uncle and I have loved him since we first laid eyes and hands on him. I made him promise me when he was two that he would: stay little for ever, always let me give him kisses, always give me hugs, and to go on dates with me. He was too little to remember that promise and I know he didn't know what it meant. But for now, he still lets me kiss him, gives me hugs, and goes on dates with me (although they aren't very often).

Gabe and Aunt Mel

Here he is at age 2 1/2.

Blowing out the candles on his Olympics themed 5th birthday cake.

Weekend in Review

Just a quick recap of the week/weekend for posterity when I look back on this post in a month, six months, year, whenever.

*My week started with a ultrasound of my follicles. Didn't go too hot. Had to schedule a follow for later in the week.

*My nephew, Gabe, turned five on Thursday.

*Thursday morning I had my follow up ultrasound with my new favorite doctor. Everything looked good. Got my HCG injection to trigger ovulation.

*Friday I took the day off work. I had my first of two days of IUI. Dr. Maseelall was quick and efficient.

*My dear friend, Natalie, checked in on me and said that I got a delivery at school and was going to drop it off.

*My loving Scooter sent me flowers for Valentine's Day. First time ever and I wasn't there to get them.

*Saturday morning had second round of IUI. Dr. Mortuzzo didn't have as much luck with the ol' catheter through the cervix as his partner did Friday.

*Saturday afternoon I picked up my niece and watched her at my house so her parents could prepare their house for Gabe's birthday party.

*Celebrated with family at an Olympics themed party.

*Sunday morning went to church with Scooter and then to lunch.

Praying on it

I have been thinking a lot. I have been praying. A lot. As I said in my last post, I have changed how I pray. I used to just kind of phone it in. Now I am not praying so much for what I want. Instead, I am praying for what God wants for me.

No more asking for a baby. I have been praying for a baby for years, and although I was blessed with two pregnancies they were short lived. I used to blame God for that fact. Not anymore. It wasn't punishment, like I was convinced it was.

Now I am praying for peace. For God to just be present with me. To prepare my heart and my mind for any news, whether good or bad. I pray for God to go before me. To work through those I am going to be working with. Most importantly, I am praying for others more than myself. I was a very selfish prayer.

Yesterday and this morning I prayed for a lot. Family, friends, co-workers, my doctors, Scott and myself. I found myself praying for God to go before me to my doctor's office (where I had an appointment this morning). I prayed that He worked through the doctors. To give them wisdom, insight, words of compassion. I think God was working through them this morning. I ended up seeing a different doctor than I was scheduled to see. From the moment she came in the room I was at peace.

I was able to ask her questions without being embarrassed and asking for advice on something. She was just who I needed to see this morning. God was working in my corner by making my scheduled doctor late. I feel at peace about my insemination the next two days. She will be doing the procedure tomorrow morning. This makes me happy, as she was the doctor that did the insemination in May when I got pregnant.

So prayers are appreciated. Not so much that the procedure create a baby (although that would be awesome and is the goal), but that I continue to have peace. That Dr. Maseelall is guided by God tomorrow. And that other women going through the same thing are given peace and perseverance.

Craving Satiated

For the past two months there have been only two things I have desperately wanted to eat that I can't. The first is a spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy's. The second is breaded chicken fingers or chicken nuggets. I have been scouring Pinterest for a few days looking for a doable, easy recipe. Ladies and gents, I have hit the jackpot!

I had all the necessary ingredients and it was quick to make (minus the baking). All you need is a chicken breast, two eggs and gluten free cereal like rice chex (I used rice crispies, but any plain cereal will do if your aren't GF). They baked 20-25 minutes and were delicious. You may disagree of you are able to eat gluten laden food; I could have easily ate ALL of them, but had to save some for my honey.

If you are interested, the link to the recipe is below!

http://bestrecipebox.com/recipes/gluten-free-baked-chicken-tenders/

Enjoy!

Take the Not so Good with the Awesome

My appointment this morning was not great. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't great. Good news: my body has produced two follicles this month. Not so good news: they are about half a centimeter smaller than they should be.

Better news: my genetic testing I had done in December shows that I am not a carrier for Fragile X syndrome, SMA (spinal muscular atrophy) OR Cystic Fibrosis! That means Scott doesn't have to get tested!

Best news: in July after my D&C I had a lot of bloodwork drawn up. I got the bill for it in September and about went into cardiac arrest. $4500!!! My insurance was refusing to pay for any of it. I did what most people would do: I cried (a lot), called my insurance company (who were less than helpful to say the least), and then called the lab that ran the tests to talk about my bill. The woman was so helpful and promised to get to the bottom of it. I still remember her name, Loretta.

She called me back and said they would resubmit it after they talked to my doctor's office about the "reason for the draw". I never heard any more about it. Then in November or December I get a statement (not a bill) from Labcare for the full amount AND another explanation of benefits from my insurance company. They STILL WERE REFUSING TO PAY A DIME OF IT!!! To them it was all medically unnecessary.  So I just accepted my fate, prayed about it a lot and totally forgot about it.

Flash forward to this morning. I was waiting to get called back and for some reason started thinking about that bloodwork. How I hadn't heard any more from Labcare. I went home to get my phone and checked the mailbox from the weekend. I saw an envelope from my former insurance company, which is really odd because I hadn't used them since September. I opened it to find an explanation of benefits from July 2013. All about my bloodwork. To my dismay it said that the "Amount Patient Responsible For" was $0.00!!!

Holy cow! Praise the Lord! Hallelujah Hosannah in the Highest! I broke down in tears. Now this smallest of things brings new hope to my mind. HE is still working in my journey. This had to be taken care of before the next thing can. My faith is being renewed one day at a time.

I have to keep remembering that God is good all the time and HE works in His time...not I mine. Melissa- just step back. He's in control. He's got this...not you...not your doctor...not a second opinion. God alone.

Benchmarks

In the world of Special Education there are a lot of goals and benchmarks. Why wouldn't an Intervention Specialist have their own IEP of sorts? Here is my rough draft of my own IHP (Individualized Health Plan).

Goal One: Get Healthy
Benchmarks:
     1. Eat a more balanced diet.
     2. Exercise at least four days a week.
     3. Get stronger by completing strength training on a regular basis.
     4. Lose at least sixty pounds at a moderate to slow pace as to keep it off.

Goal Two: Get Pregnant and Stay Pregnant
Benchmarks:
     1. Lose weight in a healthy way.
     2. Take vitamins daily and as scheduled.
     3. Try to relax and live as stress free as possible.
     4. Pray without ceasing for God's direction and for discernment.
     5. Give it to God. For real. Quit trying to be in control.

I have had success with goal one and I am striving to be successful with all of my benchmarks in goal two. Goal one successes: have been on a gluten free diet for a little over two months, I have started exercising  several times a week (but need to be consistent over a course of weeks), I have been strength training as planned but need to step up my cardio, I am down 27.2 pounds since starting.

Goal two successes:  (well obviously I am not pregnant or you would have heard me shouting for joy) I am losing weight in a healthy manner and at a good pace, I have been following my doctor's orders to a tee as far as vitamins and meds are concerned, I have been trying to be stress free but that is next to impossible. I have started to go back to my support group and the exercising helps with the stress relief. I have been praying a lot, but have changed up my prayer compared to how I used to pray. The last benchmark I am really struggling with.

Last week in group someone said that they had to realize that they weren't God and let it go. Once they did that, things started to get better for them. I sat and thought to myself for a while. I realized that I too had thought that I was in someway God. I foolishly thought I was God and that I could make things go the way I wanted if I just tried harder. Boy was that a wake-up call. I really need to stop doing what I had been doing (which was insane) and once and for all truly let go and give it to God. He knows what is best for me.

Getting to Know Myself

I think my weight loss and desire to get healthier has caused a change in me. I have always been an introvert and I am pretty sure I will always be one. For as long as I can remember I have felt uncomfortable in my own body.

I am my own worst critic. My view of myself is probably more harsh than others. I tend to think that people automatically judge me based on how I look rather than WHO I am. I assume that I am not my biggest fan, that other people have no choice but to feel the same.

Since working out and shedding some poundage, I am becoming slightly more comfortable with myself. I don't see a huge change in how I look or feel. My energy is slightly higher and my clothes are all a bit big.

I redeemed one of my personal training sessions today. I was terrified. The man who is my trainer was kind of intimidating in my mind prior to my session. Truth of the matter is he isn't. He made me feel like I could do anything he threw at me and was quick to tell me "Good job" or "That isn't challenging, is it?" Or "I think that is a bit too heavy for now".

I somehow finished my hour of training without crying, throwing up, having a panic attack or giving up. He has challenged me to doing an hour of core work next week. I stupidly said "I will try anything once as long as it doesn't kill me." If you don't hear from me or see me after 4:00 next Sunday you will know why.

In the 6 months I have been working toward a more healthy me, there are a few things I can be proud of (which will be another post of its own). I have come farther than I thought possible, and I have a LOT farther to go. No matter how slow or fast the journey is, I am determined to see it through to the end. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

Workin' the Steps

In July I started going to Emotions Anonymous meetings once a week. They were so good for me. I enjoyed them and looked forward to going.

They have a saying there, "Give us three months and if you don't feel you are getting anything out of it, we will gladly give you back your miseries." I gave them just shy of three months. Then for some reason I stopped going. I realized tonight that I WAS in fact benefiting from the meetings. That is why the devil interjected himself and made me think I didn't need them anymore.

Tonight I went back to a meeting for the first time in like four months. I felt kind of strange being there, but I am going to keep going back. My nerves were better when I left.

How shall I compare thee?

How shall I compare thee? If I were to compare my life right now to something it would be a black hole or a vacuum. Why? Because to me it feels lile my life sucks right now.

I am in a state of partial panic, partial depression, and a lot of feeling lost. I am panicking because it feels lile I am NEVER going to have a baby of my own. People keeps asking me about adoption. Before I got pregnant the first time that was a very real possibility. But I ended up pregnant and out that off. Now that I know I can/could get pregnant (albeit with help), I can't imagine going that route again. At least not yet.

I am depressed. Had the devil not stolen and destroyed my first pregnancy, my precious baby would almost be 1 year old. Had that demon not stolen my second baby, I would be very large and due any day now. To top it off, yesterday was the 10th anniversary of my dear father's passing.  Sometimes it still doesn't feel real. This year was particularly hard because he passed shortly after the Super Bowl.

Lastly, I feel so lost. My heart is being torn in different directions. One minute I am so mad at God for "letting my babies die". The next I am crying to Him, begging for help and discernment. Repenting for every sin I can think of. Then five minutes later that dang devil is yelling in my ear. "HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU! YOU ARE UNLOVEABLE! HE HAS FORSAKEN YOU!" I know that these are all lies. I pray that someday really soon I will be able to just turn the "noise" off and listen and RECOGNIZE the Voice of Truth.

Changes?

I am considering something pretty drastic this year. If I go through with my "plans", I would be going out on a limb. Totally trusting that God will not only have my back and Scott's back, but that He will completely protect us and provide for all our needs.

A few things have to fall into place for me to jump both feet into this. Should the Lord bless us with a baby in the next few months, we (Scott and I) will have to rethink our (my) plans. I am SO BEYOND BLESSED with a husband that wants nothing more than for me to be happy. He is behind me and is willing to be the support I need.