Results and Decisions

Well, Tuesday was the big day. I had to go in for a quick blood draw to test my Estrogen, Progesterone, and most importantly,  my HcG. After that was taken care of, the doctor called me back into his office. He went over my options again, should I not be pregnant, and then told me I had some decisions to make. As I was leaving, I mentioned that I only had two prenatal vitamins left and asked if I should just start taking my OTC vitamins that I was taking prior to taking the samples I had been on the past 3 weeks. The nurse gave me a box of sample packs that should last a month.

When I went to pay my copay, the receptionist handed me a paper to fill out for a prescription vitamin that the doctor would fill out which one he wants me to take and then fax it it. This company is a mail order company. It is costing me 18 bucks a month to have a 30 day supply sent to my home. They are on automatic refill, so I don't have to worry about running out. They are very similar to the Vitafol Ultra I had been taking, except this one doesn't have the Folate in it. It only has the synthetic folic acid, which I am not too keen on.

Around 1:30 I called the office to get my results. Unfortunately, no baby this month. I held it together over the phone, but lost it once I hung up. To my slight surprise, I really only got REALLY upset for about 5-10 minutes. I cried. I threw the box of prenatal vitamins across the room at the door. I drank a beer even though it was only 2:00 in the afternoon. I told Scott and then texted a couple family members and friends.

I say I was only slightly surprised that I was upset for ONLY a short period, because I had been praying about the situation. While I knew there was a chance that I would get pregnant with a natural cycle and IUI, I wasn't super amped about it because it was such a small chance. Going into the 2 week wait, I wanted to be optimistic, but not overly optimistic. My heart knew to prepare for bad news. I had been praying for God to be with me and prepare my heart for the possibility of a not optimal outcome. I had been journaling through a devotional on infertility. I kept petitioning for God to go before me and be there to soften the blow.

God was there for me. He was faithful. Even though I didn't get the answer to so many prayers by so many people, He still answered some of my prayers. The Lord showed that my ovary still works. That my hormones are good. He answered my prayer that I could handle a negative result. In the struggle and the wait, He was faithful. I felt at peace after the initial sting wore off. I feel at peace now.

If my potential egg donor is a good match and is able to produce some really good blastocysts with Scott's sperm, then the battle is half over. I know that seeking out a second opinion is either MY will or GOD'S will. I pray that it is God's will and that using this egg donor is His answer to our many years of prayer and petitions. I have claimed a child. I have claimed that I WILL be a mother. I have every confidence that God will answer my prayer and petition. He wouldn't have placed this desire on my heart and kept it there (even after begging and praying for Him to remove this desire if it wasn't His will). Whether this child that I know will someday end up in my arms and in my home has my DNA, my donor's DNA, or is born in my heart all will be well. It will be well with my soul.

My heart may ache every now and then with the notion that I will never bear life from my body, but my desire to be a mom is way stronger than I can ever describe. God is good and faithful even if we don't understand why things happen the way they do.

Of three things I am sure:
- my family loves Scott and me, and supports us no matter what route we take to having children
-Scott loves me more than I deserve to be loved. We will make a pretty good parenting duo and will be completely smitten with a child. They will likely be spoiled rotten as we have waited so long and worked so hard to bring them into our lives.
- God loves me way more than I can even fathom. He has good plans for me. Not of failure and sadness, but of success, happiness, and goodness. I may not see these plans as being good for me in the moment, but I trust and have faith. I trust and know that He is a good God, a BIG God, and a sovereign God.

Big things are going to happen for Scott and I. I feel at peace with our decision. Whether we have success with our egg donor and IVF or not, I know it isn't the end of our journey. And I know that God will still be good.

Two Weeks In

Since it is technically the 18th, I am officially done with the two week wait. I go in this morning to have my beta drawn to test my hcg levels. I am hoping and praying that I get "egg-cellent" news. My heart can't take anymore defeat.

My "symptoms" aren't very consistent. My fatigue is getting slightly better. I got some really good sleep Sunday morning and Monday afternoon, hopefully that is reason for the improvement. I get occasional nausea or a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have been pretty thirsty today. I am craving carbs, but I think that is a nerves thing.

Scott is playing it cool and doesn't ever bring it up. I don't know if he I scared or nervous or just plain has no emotion or thoughts on the matter. I asked him to pray for me tonight. He wrapped his arms around me and closed his eyes...but didn't say a word out loud. I guess I should have clarified that I wanted to hear it...to help calm my mind.

I have no idea what the results are going to be tomorrow. I can only pray that I am in fact pregnant. Today (Tuesday) is cycle day 28 for me. I usually start spotting on day 27 or at least having cramps or become more emotional. I've got nothing going on...which makes me nervous. Nervous that I am not pregnant, just going to have a 30 day cycle this month or something.

Then I start thinking, "well, even if I might be pregnant, I can't enjoy it." I will be stressed every waking moment that a random twinge of pain could mean I am losing it. Or the constant checking of the toilet tissue after using the restroom for signs of loss. I don't think I will be able to enjoy a pregnancy until I am close to full term. I never want to hear a heartbeat, then have it taken from me again. If I pregnant, it better stick this time. Lord knows how hard it has been to lose my two babies, I couldn't handle losing another one.

Prayers and we'll wishes would be appreciated.

One Week In

So I am one week into the dreaded two week wait. Last week I was up late and then up and out the door to the doctor's office, long before the sun was up...every single day but Friday. That schedule, coupled with school, work, and emotional wear and tear had left me exhausted. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. I have recovered mentally and emotionally but I CANNOT recover physically. Each day I seem to get more and more tired.

I rest as much as I possibly can. I take one or two naps a day and sleep a solid 6-9 hours a night. Maybe my problem is that I am resting TOO much and not moving enough. Highly likely, but I just like to think that I am not resting enough.

I am trying to be optimistic while remaining a realist. There have been some bodily function that are strange going on (but I am trying not to look into it too much). I fee like I am either starving or I have zero appetite, no in between. Things sound good and then when I make them or go to eat them, I have no interest in eating them. Like last night at midnight, I all of a sudden wanted apple and cabbage salad. Scott opened the jar for me I took two small bites and was immediately grossed out by it, yet today I ate almost a whole cup of it in one sitting.

I sure hope these are good things, but don't want to get too excited. I wish tomorrow was the 18th so I could get an answer, yet I don't want the 18th to come because I can't handle hearing disappointing news. Prayers would be appreciated! Have a good end of your work week!

Next Steps

In our efforts to have a baby this past week or so, I have been trying to keep my family updated with the pertinents. I shared with them that the doctor suggested using donor eggs should we not fall pregnant this month. I jokingly sent a text to my mom, siblings, and brother-in-law requesting any extra eggs they have lying around. My brother responded with "We have a dozen in the fridge you can have." My brother-in-law responded with "Putting the 'us' back in uterus."

David's little joke made me laugh at a time when I really needed some comedic relief. Other than their responses, I had radio silence. The next two days I had some people reach out to me regarding egg donation. Wanting to know the process  and when we would be wanting to do this. Without putting too much information out there at this time (because we have only just started the process and don't know if they would be a good candidate), we have a potential donor! This donor would need to have a full work up (should I not be pregnant this month) and then we would have to wait for the doctor to give a thumbs up that she is a good candidate. We then wait for a time when we have more money to pay for this (so if anyone has an extra 11 grand laying around that they don't need, I would be more than happy to take it off your hands).

I am still in disbelief that we have a potential donor. Someone that would be so selfless! My eyes well up with tears everyone I think about it. God is good, and I pray that should we need to go this route, the finances and everything else just fall into place.

Week in Review

I just wanted to write down a recap for my own record of what took place at the RE this week.
Monday: bloodwork and ultrasound. Got the green light for insemination.

Tuesday: bloodwork and ultrasound. First day of insemination. Dr. Spirtos mentioned that egg donation for IVF would probably be our best best for conceiving. Secretary called in the afternoon, come in for insemination again tomorrow as my LH levels were still rising.

Wednesday: bloodwork and ultrasound. Second day of insemination. Dr. Spirtos reiterated egg donation. His office called in the afternoon; he wants me to come back in the morning for more bloodwork and another ultrasound.

Thursday: bloodwork and ultrasound. Ovulation has been confirmed as my follie appeared swollen and misshapen compared to Wednesday. Checked bloodwork results in afternoon, ovulation had indeed taken place as my LH levels were decreased.

Now we wait. The rest is in God's hands. I know I should be praying fervently right now, but I am just exhausted. This is exactly when I should be relying on Him; instead all I want to do it sleep. Please pray for Scott and me over the next 10 days. I need peace in my soul and to feel united with my husband. This week has been hard on us, as it is once again a reminder that he is very logical in thinking while this old girl is the opposite...all emotionally reactive.

Aftermath

So last week when we went in for our follow up appointment with the RE, I was not expecting all the activity that followed. Not only am I emotionally tired and achy, but I am physically battered as well.

I have had 4 blood draws (but poked five times) from my antecubital veins, in 6 days. If some stranger approached me, they may think I have an IV drug problem.

Other parts hurt, too. Four internal ultrasounds and one HSG will make a girl a little crampy and achy. One internal ultrasound a year is bad enough. Throw in an insemination prior to the last ultrasound and that makes for one uncomfortable lady.

As much as I can barely tolerate the dreaded "two week wait", I welcome the freedom from needle sticks and ultrasounds. If this insemination doesn't work, I don't even want to think about the pain that is headed my way when we start IVF with my next cycle. However, if all of this leads to having a baby in my arms in the next 10 months, I will gladly take daily blood draws and ultrasounds!

The left arm is getting a nice bruise started from the digging that took place this morning.

The right arm isn't as bad as the left. It looked worse yesterday.

Be Aggressive, B-E Aggressive!

Yesterday morning I had to get to the RE office bright and early. The days agenda included a repeat blood draw and ultrasound. The doctor wanted to see my hormone levels to try to predict when I would release my big follicle. The ultrasound showed that the follicle had grown from something like 11x17 mm to 17x25 mm, which was fantastic. The smaller ones had grown, but nowhere near as big as the dominant one. That's okay because all it takes is one!

Yesterday afternoon I visited the chiropractor to work on my neck/shoulder tension. When he was finishing up, I asked him if there was anything he could do to incerase blood flow to my ovaries and uterus. He worked on a couple points and wished me luck.

The RE office called yesterday afternoon to inform me that the doctor wanted me to come in today for more blood work and another ultrasound. He also wanted me to bring in a specimen from Scott to do an insemination. This morning was our insemination. My follicle hadn't grown any from yesterday, but it still looked good. Scott had a good count. Now the rest is up to God.

I was a little disheartened when the doctor finished. Before he left the room, he said that I didn't have a lot of eggs showing up. That I may just want to start thinking about using an egg donor. He said that we could try to use injectable medications, but there was a good chance that I may not have a lot of follicles develop. That was a little bit of a downer, but I am going to just hope, pray, and be cautiously optimistic that this insemination will be plenty and will take.

In the six weeks we have been under this doctor's care, he has done more testing and investigating than the last RE did over a span of a couple years. I am praying that God lead me to his office for a reason and that my body was ready this week for a baby to be created. I am standing on faith that this is for a reason. God promises that he has a plan for us, plans for good. Doing my best to stand firm on His promise; yet trying to remember that if it doesn't happen, God has better plans for us. Even if it hurts right now and we are unclear about what those plans are.

Bumps in the Night

Yesterday morning I was up and at 'em long before the sun came up from its slumber. I was joined at the door by our cat, Oliver. He wanted to join me on the trek outside. As we were walking down the sidewalk toward the driveway, I noticed something lying across the sidewalk near the end. My "hawkeyes" knew it wasn't going to be something simple like a clump of freshly mown grass. I turned on my phone's  "torch" to see what it was.

Just before I turned the light upon the unknown mass, I noticed the cat was a couple steps behind me and not coming closer. This was the moment I became cognizant of the fact that said bump was probably going to be some sort of "gift" left by the demon cat. When I finally saw what the bump on the sidewalk was I wanted to throw up. Some creature (now thinking and HOPING it wasn't Oliver) had delivered a headless rabbit. This poor, full grown rabbit was not only headless but missing his front legs too. I am really thinking that this was the work of a raccoon.

So needless to say, I am thankful for a husband that disposes of dead animal bodies.

LAC, U/S, HSG

In my last post, I discussed the recent testing we had done. The results of my LCA are still on back, but I may find out the results tomorrow if I am lucky. It was a relief to get our karyotyping results yesterday. The doctor said everything was normal (thank you Lord). Scott immediately said, "Oh, I am surprised. I thought for sure it would come back confirming the fact that Melissa is a weirdo." This made the doctor chuckle (which is no small fete).

We were also at the doctor for a repeat ultrasound of my reproductive parts. My endometrium cyst is even bigger than it was 5 weeks ago. The shocking news was that my left ovary had three, COUNT 'EM THREE, follicles growing. The biggest was 17 mm  (awesome!) and the other two were 10 mm each. After the ultrasound, we were lead to the basement of the buidling for a procedure to check my uterus and fallopian tubes for any issues. I have had a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) about 4 years ago, so I knew what to expect.

I had to lay on an exam table with stirrups for my calves to rest in. It wasn't the most enjoyable thing...especially with all your lady parts (from the waist down) exposed. I was dreading this procedure because of my history of the ol' cervix being closed up tighter than Fort Knox. I warned the doctor and he said he wasn't concerned and it wouldn't be an issue. To say it was a little uncomfortable would be an understatement. When it came time to do the xray, he said "if you want to see yourself, look to your right."

There on a black and white screen was a sea of gray. When he said "and here it comes", all of the sudden there was a perfect view of my uterus. You could see the contrast dye moving up through the fallopian tubes and spilling out into my abdominal cavity. To quote my doctor, I have beautiful tubes! My uterus looked perfect, too. He also said that I was one of the easiest patients to complete that procedure on.

At our brief follow-up post procedure, the doctor informed us that I was at a prime place/position/timing to try to get pregnant like any normal couple would. He highly suggested that I come back Monday morning for bloodwork to test my hormones and another ultrasound to see if I had ovulated. Then, depending on those results, come back Tuesday for a round of insemination. He said it can't hurt anything to try it...and it would save thousands of dollars to be able to avoid IVF.

I was more than a little shocked to hear all this. To think that we could get pregnant this weekend/week without any significant help blows my mind! Here's hoping and praying that our efforts this weekend will be fruitful and that God's will aligns with ours.

Family Matters

At some point towards the end of summer, Scott and I sat down and had a serious conversation about what we would like to see our family look like in the not too distant future. As you may well know, we have been struggling to have children for many year (at this point it seems like our entire marriage, but it has been at least the last 5 years). After failing to naturally conceive, we turned to my OB/GYN for some advice and assistance. He put me on a couple rounds of Clomiphene Citrate (Clomid) to help with making sure I had some egg follicles developing. We were elated to find out I fell pregnant, only for that pregnancy to be short lived.

After no more luck, my OB/GYN suggested some testing to be completed by a local reproductive endocrinologist (RE) and seek out their assistance. After some testing and a month or two of IUI, I was expecting again. Our second sweet babe joined the first in Heaven after a few short weeks.

When I decided to start nursing school, expanding out family was put on hold. Now that I am still in school, with no end in sight, and my maternal age getting more "advanced" by the moment, we needed to figure out a game plan. I have wanted to adopt since we got married. I always envisioned there being biological children in our home as well as adopted children.

I told Scott that I was ready to put the fertility treatments behind me once and for all and move forward with adoption. He ultimately said it was my choice and he didn't care (when it is all said and done) where our children came from,he just wants to be a dad. We ended that conversation under the agreement that this is how we would grow our family.

I started telling a few friends and family members. They all were supportive (for the most part). It wasn't until I was questioned by my sister and a friend that I started questioning my decision. After much thinking and praying, I felt like I was possibly short-changing Scott by not getting a second opinion from another RE in our area. What was the hurt in getting a second opinion and having some more (new) testing done.

So five weeks ago we sought out a second opinion from a new RE. This doctor is known for having less than optimal bedside manner. I have read and hear from many people that you either like him or you don't. I went into the appointment with my expectations low...knowing that there was a good chance he could turn me away and tell me to come back when I have dropped 40-50 pounds (yes, he has said that to people). To my surprise, he didn't do that to me...that doesn't mean he didn't "highly suggest" that I lose weight. It may have helped that he is familiar with my husband and the company he works for (as Scott has done several jobs for this doctor at his office).

We went over my history and he gave us his recommendations. We had a crap load of blood work done, an ultrasound of my reproductive organs, and poor Scott had to leave a...sample. Scott is in the clear, as there is nothing wrong with his guys. My ovary has another big cyst growing that has to be monitored. And the majority of our blood work came back clear. There was an issue with my Lupus Anticoagulant test, so he had that redrawn and sent to a different lab for retesting.

Now we wait for that to determine our next step, should we decide to do anything.

End of Summer

In my last post, I had mentioned that I was praying for success in my nursing class. Well, things didn't go as planned and I ended up "failing" the class by one quarter of a percentage point. So, I transferred to a local state university. I am taking a nutrition class and a college algebra class that are requirements for the nursing program. I applied for the accelerated nursing program, which is for people who already have a bachelor's degree and are wanting to become nurses. I found out last night that I didn't get accepted. I am disappointed, but figured that was going to be the case. I will just continue taking courses that are requirements for graduating and reapply in the spring to start in the summer.

I am still working as a secretary at the local children's hospital in the neonatal intensive care unit. The job can be somewhat boring at times, but it is a good job. I am allowed to work on schoolwork as long as it doesn't interfere with my job duties. A perk of working there I they offer up to $5250 of tuition reimbursement if you are working on a degree that is in the healthcare field. Another perk is the medical benefits...especially that fertility treatment coverage. While it isn't stellar, it certainly does help take the sting out of treatment.

Now that it is officially fall, I guess it is time to start looking forward to brisk mornings and evenings, rainy days, and snuggling up with a fuzzy blanket. I don't know what my schooling future looks like, but I am just going to try to take it one day at a time.

Goodbye summer. Hello fall.

Who knows if this will continue

I have not blogged in roughly a year. My life has been crazy. Going to school, having clinicals in the evening, and working nights leaves me pretty tired. I just wanted to get some thoughts out on "paper" to look back on in the future. Thoughts going through my mind now so I that I can look back and say, "hey girl! Look what you did! You made it. In what may have seemed like the hardest years of your life, you made it out in one peice. You, my friend, should know by now that you can do anything you put your heart and mind to."

My spring semester did not go as I had planned. I rocked my OB/PEDS class. My Med Surg 3 class was not so spectacular. I ended up having to drop it and retake it this summer. My experience this summer has been so much different than last semester. Class is still just as difficult, but I am giving it all I have. My clinicals have been a little more challenging. The instructor really pushes us (always on our cases about our care plans). At first it annoyed me, but now I am okay with it. She is only making me better.

Last November I thought I had appendicitis. My mom took me to the ER. They said it wasn't appendicitis, but it looked like my ovary was a little enlarged with some fluid around it. My instructions were to follow up with my OB/GYN. My doctor did an ultrasound, only to find that my ovary wasn't "a little enlarged". It was the size of my fist (also the same size as my uterus). Fast forward 4 months, I ended up having the cyst removed through laproscopic surgery. My recovery didn't go as planned, I was miserable for about 3 weeks instead of the "3-5 days" my doctor said it would take. Thank goodness for my Chiropractor, who was able to adjust my abdominal muscles and my hips. The pain went away instantly.

My heart still aches for children of our own. My doctor told me at my post surgery appointment that I have endometriosis, so my chances aren't very good. If we go ahead with more treatments, it will have to be injectable medication paired with insemination. The injectable medication is really expensive. We aren't sure if that is something we want to do or not. My only other option is IVF, and we don't want to risk spending over 10 grand on a gamble.

It hurts my heart and spirit to potentially be slamming the door (and locking it) on that chapter of life. We could use some prayers about what our next step should be. Did we just say enough is enough right now? Or do we try one more round of insemination with the injectable medicines?

I was at clinicals tonight, walking to the cafeteria for our dinner break, and I suddenly got this sharp pain in my lower abdomen. I was hoping that it would just go away if I emptied my bladder. Tried that, only to find that it got worse. I hurt to sit and it hurt to stand. At that time, my anxiety started kicking in and I started having chest pain. My classmates, God love them, were really concerned and started assessing me right there in the cafeteria (not a physical, but verbal). One offered to take a clinical miss and drive me to the emergency department near my town. Thankfully, mom came to the rescue again and picked me up at school to take me to the ED. My vital signs were all good at the hospital. My EKG looked okay. They are sending a urine sample for culture to rule out a nasty UTI. After questions and a couple abdominal palpations, they deemed that I "probably" had a cyst rupture. There was nobody there to do an ultrasound to confirm, but I a supposed to follow up with my OB/GYN as soon as possible.

Good gravy, I need a vacation.Luckily, that is coming up in a few weeks! I cannot wait to get away for a week to relax and see new sights. The only thing standing in my way is 1 test and 1 final. Prayers for a successful end of the semester for me and for improved health!