T is for Transfer

Good news! I had my embryo transfer Friday, April 28th. Everything went perfectly. Scott took the entire day off work. Remind me to thank Dr. Spirtos for scheduling it at noon. 😉 I woke up that morning feeling pretty good. I made sure my hair was done, as well as my makeup. My reasoning was that I wanted to look nice for the first time out baby met its mother. Scott thought I had lost my mind.

I had some blood drawn, then met with the embryologist. Keith was very nice and positive (as usual). He updated us with how our "embabies" were doing. We still had all nine growing. There were 4 of them that were questionable. They had started degenerating and would not be viable after a freeze, so they were going to be discarded. We had three perfect ones, one that was really good, and one that was borderline. He said he was going to keep monitoring it. We asked him for his opinion on whether to transfer one or two. He gave us the pros and cons.

In the end, we decided on transferring one perfect 4AA blastocyst. We let Keith pick out hopeful winner. A embryo is graded on different aspects. Our blastocyst had many tightly compacted cells that formed an innercell mass. It also had a nice ring of cells around the outside called a trophoblast. The zone pellucida was very thin, which was a great sign.

After we met with the embryologist, I had one last ultrasound with Dr. Spirtos. He measured my lining; it was nice and thick. Then we headed down to the procedure room. Jackie got the ultrasound machine all set up after I had gotten ready. Dr. Spirtos and the embryologist came in and got things started. It was not painful, but it was very uncomfortable as I had to have a full bladder and they used an abdominal ultrasound transducer the whole time.

The transfer went perfectly. I had to lay on the table for an hour afterward...with my still full bladder. Keith came in one last time and gave us the final update on our blastocysts. He was able to freeze four of them; should this transfer not work, we have four good ones to work with in the future.

I had to go back 13 days later for my beta test. A beta test checks the level of hcg in the blood. If it is over 50, I am pregnant. If it is less than 50, I am not pregnant. Scott and I decided that we are not sharing the results with anyone for a while. If it is negative, we need to grieve this loss on our own for a while and decide what our next step is going to be. If it is positive, we want to make sure it is viable. We don't want to have to do a repeat of the last time I was pregnant and tell people that we had lost it after we had already told people we were expecting. So that being said, we aren't telling anyone until we feel the time is right for us. Scott and I appreciate all the thoughts and prayers that have been said for us. Keep saying them. This journey to becoming parents is not a sprint, but an ultra-marathon.

Knee Deep part 2

After Nicole was moved into another rooms she could get dressed and find her "sea legs", the embryologist came in to talk to us. He was so incredibly nice! Keith told us that Nicole did very well and they were able to retrieve 15 eggs!

Of course at that time, it was too early to tell how many were mature. He informed us that they would be fertilized with Scott's sperm the "conventional" way. I had asked if they use ICSI (which is taking one sperm and injecting it into an egg). He shared that if there was greater than 50% of the eggs that did not fertilize with the conventional method, he would go back and use ICSI. After he had answered all my questions, he said he would call me in the morning with a fertilization report. Also, he would meet with me in person on Wednesday to go over their day 3 growth AND give me pictures!! I was so stoked!

Nicole, Kelly, and Finn stayed one more night and then I took them to the airport Monday morning. Scott and I don't have to words to even begin to say thank you enough to Nicole for all she sacrificed and went through to even give us just a chance of having children. I don't think I will ever be able to say thank you enough, and yet thank you just doesn't seem to be enough to convey how grateful we are.

Knee Deep

I haven't posted in a while because things have been kind of crazy in these parts. Between doctor appointments, work, and getting to hang out with my sister-in-law and nephew , Nicole and Finn, as well as Nicole's mom Kelly, I feel like my life the past 2 weeks has been a blur. So, in case you hadn't figured it out in prior posts and social media, Nicole is my egg donor! Yay! Scott and I were so completely thankful and at a loss for words that she volunteered to to this for us (more on that in another post).

Nicole and Co. came to town Wednesday afternoon. Thursday morning we both had to be at the doctor at 7:00. This was a little difficult as I am NOT a morning person, but I would be there with bells on at 3 a.m. if need be. We got some baseline blood work done and we both got ultrasounds. My lining looked nice and appropriately thick. Nicole had lots of little follicles developing. It was a good start to the week. Our instructions were for me to keep taking my estrogen pills and delestrogen (estrogen) injections as prescribed. Poor Nicole, who is not a fan of all things needles, began her drug protocol. This consisted of 2 different injections in the morning and one different injection in the afternoon/early evening.

We had to go back Monday morning and pretty much every other day until Friday. Friday morning everything looked good on my part. Nicole was told she had "several dominant" follicles. My delestrogen dose was increased. We were hoping and praying that she would have the retrieval done Saturday morning, so that they could go home Sunday. They said Sunday it could happen, but more than likely it would be Monday. Well, we got a phone call Friday afternoon saying that Nicole's blood work showed she was ready to get her trigger shots that night, for her retrieval on SUNDAY! I had to ask the nurse a couple times, "you said Sunday, right?!". I thought I was hearing things.

That meant poor Nicole was done being a pin cushion after her two trigger shots that evening. Scott and I had made plans a few weeksor so prior to go up to North Olmsted for a fight night with some friends of mine. I had to frantically find someone who would be able to come to the house to give Nicole her injections. Thankfully, Julie (my sister) was able to come play nurse.

Sunday morning I took Nicole to the fertility clinic. We were taken into the little surgical suite they have onsite. I was walked into the waiting room and that was the last time I would see her or talk to her until the procedure was over. Luckily, the waiting room was right next to the surgical suite so I could hear everything...until they shut the door. Nicole was a trooper!

I will tell you how well everything went in my next post.

How goes it?

As I said before, there is a lot of hurry up and wait in the world of IVF. Hurry up to get your meds ordered and delivered. Then wait to use them. Hurry up to get call the doctor with the start of your cycle. Then wait for day 3 or 4 to actually be seen. Hurry to get blood work completed to evaluate your hormone levels. Wait for a phone call to either up your dosage or lower it. The list goes on and on.

In my last post I had stated that my donor would be coming to town on day 3 or 4 of our cycle. That was a lie. For months, MONTHS I tell you, we had been synced with our cycles within 24 hours of each other. We went on birth control to "sync them" even though our March cycle started on the same day. Wouldn't you know it, after finishing our birth control protocol, we are no longer synced! My donor started 3 days before I did. Due to this little "hiccup" our plans have changed. She is now coming to town on day 6. THREE DAYS from now!! I can't believe it!

I called the doctor's office on my day one. They instructed me to come in this morning and to bring all my meds and needles. If a police officer had pulled me over, they might have demanded quite an explanation for all the syringes and such I had seated next to me in the car. So my beautiful Sunday morning started off with a date with Wanda and Dr. S. Wanda was gentle on me today (she isn't always very gentle). The doctor said me lining was pretty thin and my job was to grow a nice and think lining over the next 2 weeks.

 They started me on two new medications today. One pill and one injection. I think there will be a time where I am on like 5 meds at once specifically for this process (not including my prenatal vitamin, thyroid pill, and aspirin regimen). I am preparing myself for a stretch of days that are laced with massive headaches. I feel blessed that I have only had one since I finished the first week of birth control. My hormones are out of wack from the Lupron I have been taking, which I have to continue to take until at least Thursday (April 14th).

This is my Estrace pill. Estrace is estradiol (estrogen).

This lovely vial contains Delestrogen (estradiol). This one is really fun because it is in oil, so it is really thick. You have to draw it up with an 18 g needle and then luckily it gets injected with a 22 g needle. Scott is responsible for giving me this. Unfortunately it goes in my posterior!

Just because he is so cute! Scooter is loving the warm weather today!

Anka is always cute and makes my heart melt! She was showing Scooter all the places to try to escape the backyard.

The other afternoon he was very cuddly and I was having a rough day emotionally (from all the hormones). Oliver nestled himself in under the soft blanket that was across my lap. Unfortunately, said blanket needs washed now to rid it of his fur.

I is for Injection

I went to the RE yesterday morning. They took some blood and I had a date with old "Wanda". I just closed my eyes during the ultrasound. I didn't want to see how big my endometriomas had gotten. I now have one in each ovary which means I have jumped up from stage 3 endo to stage 4. Boo!  As the doc was leaving the exam room, he told me I was just going to be in a holding pattern for now. This made me laugh on the inside as I have been comparing to this whole experience to begin on a flight.

What directives he did give me were to finish my birth control pack and to start injections of Lupron. I finished my pills this afternoon, yay!! I just finished my injection for the day. It stung a little, but it was easy. Now we wait. I have my marching orders to call when I start my cycle which could be as early as tomorrow or Monday. Once my donor has started and called the office, she will need to come to town by cycle day 3 or 4. Then the real fun starts!

UPS Delivery

So this just came.

3 oral medications.
3 injections.
1 suppository.

3 types of syringes.
3 additional gauges of needles.

All overwhelming.

11 days down. 10 to go.

I am officially more than halfway done with my active pills of my birth control. I have only been on birth control pills one other month in my life and they were a different brand. I have no idea how my body is supposed to react to them. So far, they seem to make me even more tired than I usually am (I didn't realize that was possible). I have had a few headaches. My sinuses are really stuffy, which in turn make my eyes feel like I could cry at any moment. I am a little more emotional than I usually am, just in that I want to cry all the time. I don't know if this is common or not, but I am ready for it to be done. Also, I felt so insanely hungry the first 4 days I started the pills. I could not get enough food in my gullet. End result = 2 pounds gained.

I don't really know what is coming down the pipes for me yet as far as treatment is concerned. I will go I'm for some blood work at the end of next week and then I guess wait to hear from the doctor when he gets my results as well as my donor's results. I imagine I will start my leuprolide acetate injections on April 2nd. That will last 2 weeks (I think). I got notification from CVS Specialty that my medications have been shipped and I am supposed to receive them tomorrow.

Can I get an Amen for having great medical insurance (at least prescription coverage)?! I realize that my medication protocol is very different from my donor. I imagine her meds cost between 3-5 thousand (these costs are built into the cost, so I have no idea how much they actually are). My meds are only costing me $152! Hallelujah! Cash price is somewhere around $3000. I honestly don't know how people without infertility coverage do it. I can't afford the cost of this donor cycle anyway. Have I mentioned my mother-in-law is a blessing? Not to say my own mother isn't a blessing, she has blessed monetarily us with other endeavors. Scott and I are doubly blessed with such strong, supportive women as mothers.

Sorry, this post is getting away from me. I know I haven't communicated much on here lately, but just wanted to let you know the proverbial plane is still in the air headed toward our destination!

One down. 20 to go.

We officially are underway with our IVF protocol. Today my donor and I started our birth control pills. We just take these for 21 days and then the fun begins. I will be seen by the doctor at the end of the month. Not sure what all will take place at that visit. I am hoping it is just blood work and not an ultrasound.

While I am having that done, my donor will be getting a lot of blood work done either the same day or the day before. Her blood work is much more important than mine right now. She has some federally mandated tests that have to be completed within 30 days prior to our egg retrieval.

We are paying for successful weaning for her and her little one. Also, for no side effects with the use of the birth control for either of us.

Ladies and Gentlemen, We have been cleared for take off

The runway is clear for take off for my donor and I! I started my cycle yesterday and in a "shocking" turn of events, so did my donor. After letting the doctor know that I was on day one, they called me back about when the doctor wants to see me and to give me the go ahead to start the birth control protocol Sunday. The nurse called me this morning to tell me that my donor started yesterday as well. She told me other info about when she was getting blood work done and such (but I really don't remember what she said as the phone call woke me).

It is absolutely CRAZY how fast things will go from here. I can't really wrap my mind around it. The one thing I need to keep telling myself is to just stay calm. That God has brought me this far, and He will see me through to the end. He is in control. There are times when I think maybe we shouldn't be doing this whole thing, but I quickly realize that those doubts creep in when I am stressed and anxious and want to control things that are out of my control. Now, there are so many pieces of the puzzle working perfectly together that make me think this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing and exactly at the right time.

Last post I listed a laundry list of prayer requests for us during this upcoming 5-6 weeks. Those requests stay the same. One of them was about finances for the medication. Our donor let me know about a week ago that she was not able to get the Lupron covered by her insurance, and that we would have to pay for it. No big deal, we were prepared to have to do such. What I wasn't prepared for was the price that she had been quoted. It was going to be anywhere from $1500-7400 just for that one med. Fast-forward to yesterday, while on the phone with the doctors office I mentioned this situation to the secretary. She told me that she would look into it, because that price seemed very high. Prayers were answered, because she called me back later to tell me she was able to find a pharmacy that would fill it and ship it to my donor for under $500. Thank the Lord!

While her Lupron prayers were answered, I am still waiting to hear from my pharmacy to get the price for all my meds. This one is going to hurt! Praying, praying, praying that it is less than $900.

My donor had a prayer request as well. Can we all pray for her little one? That they adapt quickly to being completely eliminated from nursing? Her little is kind of struggling with it right now, and once she starts her birth control her supply will be finished.

Thanks everyone for the prayers and support! Keep it coming.

Holding Pattern

Have you ever planned a vacation? You have all your bags packed, you get to the airport. Things just go swimmingly. Bag check and security are a breeze. You board the plane. The plane pulls back from the gate and starts taxiing towards a runway.

Your heart may start beating a bit faster in anticipation. Then the captain comes on the speaker saying the flight pattern is full. We are in line for take off. There are several planes ahead of you in the queue. During this time, you are just kind of...existing. The attendants are not able to get you a beverage. You have to have your electronics turned off and stowed away. Your tray table must be put up and your seat needs to be in its full, upright position. Pretty much all you can do is try to sleep, talk to your neighbor (if you are that kind of person), or try to stare put the window. If you are an anxious flyer, this would be the time you may find yourself holding your breath or silently saying a prayer.

That is where I am at right now with my IVF journey. In the holding pattern. Just waiting as each day passes, waiting for the go ahead from the flight tower. For my journey, the green light for the process to begin will be given any day now. We are just waiting for our bodies to do their thing. Once we both have started our cycles, the doctor will tell us when to start our birth control.

This is getting to be very surreal to me. I have waited so long for this whole journey to a baby to be done. Now that it potentially will come to a head in roughly nine months, I can't wrap my head around it. I have prayed so long, and so much that my prayers have pretty much become silent. It is almost so much like stream of consciousness thinking for me, that sometimes it feels like I am not even praying about it anymore. God knows my heart. My desire hasn't changed.

As I was reminded in a little note from a friend from church, God hears me. He hasn't forgotten. I just need to keep faith and have hope.

If any of you are wondering, here is how you can help us with prayer:
-pray that my donor and I continue to be synced.
-her hormones aren't too hard on her (I have taken hormones before, so I kind of know what to expect). And that our support systems around us don't take to heart any mean/nasty/out of character thing we may say or do.
-that my meds don't cost more than we are able to afford (even with prescription coverage, I am worried about the Lupron).
-when the time comes for all blood work, it will go swimmingly. That it will make it to the proper labs in the condition it is supposed to arrive in, on the timeframe it is supposed to arrive in.
-for my donor's family. She is going to have to spend some time apart from her husband. Pray that her little one feels no extra stress from this experience.
-wisdom for my doctor. That he leans in on God in helping to create our perfect protocol and timeframe. He is a man of faith, I just pray that he puts some of his ego aside and listens to the voice of God.
-for the perfect eggs to be collected and the perfect sperm to be singled out to combine to make the most perfect embryos for Scott and I.

Lastly, pray for peace. Overwhelming peace and confidence for all involved. Peace that we have made the right decision, are with the right doctor, are having this done in the most perfect month.

Instant Pot Beef Stew

The recipe I used for the Beef Stew came from www.theleangreenbean.com

I had to tweak it from the beginning for a couple reasons.

     1. We didn't have an onion, so that went out the window. Instead I through in some onion powder. 

     2. We don't eat potatoes, so I substituted cauliflower. It has kind of the same consistency and thickens up the Stew like a potato would. 

     3. My husband is kind of picky when it comes to vegetables (although he has come a long way). He does not like peas, so those went bye-bye as well. 

     4. I added celery. Just because I had it and it needed to be used. 

I melted some Kerry Gold butter I'm the instant pot on the saute setting. Then I threw in about 3 cloves of minced garlic and the Stew beef. While that was browning, I sliced up 2 ribs of celery and cut 3 carrots into one inch pieces. The thicker chunks of carrot were then it in half vertically. To replace the potato, I cut half a big head of cauliflower into decent sized pieces.

When the meat was done browning, I threw in the vegetables. One and a half cups of chicken broth (because I already had a carton of it opened) went in the pot and about 4 ounces of tomato paste. It was supposed to be 1/4 c. but I am lazy and didn't want to dirty a rubber scraper and measuring cup, so I just guesstimated. The recipe called for one teaspoon of oregano. I am a huge oregano fan, so I poured a heap into my palm and then tossed it in. I am certain it was more like a tablespoon. 

Once that was all stirred up, I closed the lid and turned the setting from saute to "meat/soup/stew" and set the timer for 35 minutes. Once it cooked for the required amount of time, I let it go through a natural pressure release for 10 minutes then I quick released the rest of the pressure. Man, oh man! It smelled so good. A lot of the cauliflower had broken down into smaller pieces. This meat was sooooo tender. I can't wait to have some for lunch and dinner tomorrow. Scott better hide some away so O don't eat it all! 

I will note that it was kind of bland. It definitely needed some salt (my broth I used was low sodium) and pepper. I also tossed in some dried parley flakes, some more onion powder, and some hot Hungarian paprika (we love paprika). Again, I didn't measure anything. Measuring items takes the fun out of cooking. Every change I made to the recipe was to my taste. If you try this recipe for yourselves, go with the original and then change to your taste. 

What it looked like before cooking.

After it had cooked.

A little sample had to had. It was then that
I added the extra seasonings.

Instant Pot

I recently got my hands on the newest version of the Instant Pot. I had heard really good things about them from some coworkers, so I thought I would give it a try. 

My first foray with it was making hard boiled eggs (which is more like hard steamed eggs). The instant pot has a rack you place the eggs on to cook them. I was bummed that they only hold six eggs at a time, but that soon turned out to be a blessing! After reading directions from a couple websites, I steamed them for 6 minutes. I then used the quick release valve to release the pressure and immediately put them in am ice bath. While those were chilling, I placed the next six eggs in and cooked them for 6 minutes. Instead of quick releasing the pressure, I let the pot do a natural release for about 10 minutes then vented the rest of the pressure before taking them out for their ice bath. Folks, if you ever make eggs in your instant pot I implore you to let them sit for 8-10 minutes for a natural release. Those eggs were cooked perfectly. The first batch were a semi-cooked hot mess. Poor Scott experienced that first hand one morning before leaving for work. 

My next use of the Instant Pot was making a whole chicken. I had purchased a small fryer to use that was roughly 4 lbs. The instructions for the bird were to cook it 6 minutes a pound and then add like 5 or 7 minutes (I forget off the top of my head). Now that I think about it, I cooked it too long but it didn't matter. I heated up a skillet over medium-high heat and placed the chicken in it (after putting oil on it along with salt, pepper, and herbs de Provence). I seared the skin for a couple minutes on the top and bottom sides, then placed it in the pot on the rack. Before closing up the pot, I added 1 cup of water to the bottom of the pot. Being that I am not a planner and wasn't thinking about having dinner ready earlier in the day, I set the pot and then left for work before it was finished. Scott said it was really good and was still hot when he got home from work some 4 hours later. This bird was literally falling apart, meet off the bones when you touched it. I should have kept the bones and drippings to make an awesome bone broth. Next time I will! 

This evening I threw together some ingredients that I had to use up and made a beef stew. It was a little bland, so I tweaked the recipe after it was done. Next post will contain that recipe. This Instant Pot is going to be a game changer for me. It is fast, one pot to wash, and you just set it and forget it!

Green Means Go!

Ladies and gentlemen, we are one step closer to this whole IVF thing happening. I had my uterine sounding and an ultrasound done this morning. Unfortunately, it appears that I now have 2 endometrium cysts on my right ovary and the beginnings of one on the left. Boo!! But let us not dwell on the bad news.

If you have never had the pleasure of receiving a uterine sounding, you don't know what you are missing...NOT! While the whole procedure lasted less than a minute, its was VERY uncomfortable. He said, "it will just feel like a pinch." Well, he lied. It was crappy and very uncomfortable. Anyway, he said I have a "beautiful uterus, like a mother hen. Just waiting for some eggs to take care of. " After hearing that it looked so good, I was given the green light!

I then sat down with him and asked a few questions. We came up with a game plan as to when we would start the medication next month. So, it looks like in less than a month my donor and I will be starting our birth control protocol! To say I am a jumble of emotions and nerves is an understatement. Things are really getting real. Please continue to pray for Scott and I, our donor, and our doctor.

Lupron information and my birth control. Yikes!

Plan of Action

This morning (Tuesday) I called my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) office. I had to give my monthly cycle start date. The receptionist-extraordinaire started giggling when I told her. She told me she had just spoke with my donor Monday morning. Once again, we are a day apart in starting. This, my friends, has to be purely by the grace of God. 
The receptionist asked when we were planning on going through with the procedure. After sharing that we wanted to go forward with April, she asked another question, "Do you want to start the meds in March and then do the retrieval in April or are you wanting to start the meds in April and do the transfer in May? "

I was kind of stunned. I didn't know what to say. It was my understanding from the consult when my donor was being seen, that since our cycles are synced we only needed to be on birth control for a week. She said she would ask the doctor and get back to me. This afternoon she called back and asked of I was able to come in this week so the Dr and I could discuss all of this in person and come up with a medication protocol. She said that I needed to have a special ultrasound done anyway before too much longer.

So after about 2 months of just waiting for things to progress, it seems like things are picking up. Now that things seem to be moving forward, I am getting nervous and a little bit scared. I have to have a uterine sounding Thursday morning. Normally internal ultrasounds don't hurt, but I am not sure what to expect with this kind of ultrasound. All I know is that a rod will be passed through my cervix to and into the uterus. The will then measure how long my uterus is. I will have to do some research about this procedure,  as I am not sure what the purpose is and why it is important to know the length. 

I am hopeful and trying to stand on faith that this is going to work and it is happening in God's timing. There has been too much going on that suggests otherwise. I know that fear is not from God. I know that it is from the Devil and I need to cast those doubts aside when they creep into my mind. Please pray that things go smoothly Thursday morning and the timing is perfect. Pray that my donor has things fall in place for her and her dear family. Pray that things fall into place for Scott and I, so that things can go forward as they are supposed to. Give the doctor discernment and that he will rely on God to help plan out our protocol and timeline. 

What's the plan, Stan?

So, I just wanted to document the process so far with the fertility treatments we are going through. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like I am going to be able to have children with my own eggs. This is a loss for me. I have to grieve this loss so that I can have a ready body and spirit to accept how my children will be conceived.

We have found an egg donor. She is a great match for us. She has what the doctor says to be "proven eggs", as she is already a mother. The donor is younger than me and in good physical health. She has some traits that are similar to Scott and me, which is nice. Once things are in order with her (personally), we will begin the IVF process. The hardest part in the beginning, according to the doctor, is syncing our cycles. By the grace of God, that part has been taken care of naturally so far. I pray that it continues.

During the month that we go through with the egg retrieval and transfer, we will be on birth control protocol. While on birth control, we will begin shots of Lupron. Lupron, from what I hear, is a nasty drug. Lord be with Scott, my family, and co-workers while I am on this medication. After that, my donor will begin her drug protocol and I will be on my own. I don't know what drugs exactly I will be on. I think my donor will probably be on either Gonal-F or Menopur, along with Follistim, and then Cetrotide. Lastly, a dose of Pregnyl to trigger ovulation.

Once the trigger shot(s) have been given, egg retrieval will be 36-48 hours later. The plan is for the eggs to be inseminated, then watched as the grow for 3-5 days. I am not sure if I will do a fresh transfer or a frozen transfer. Once my embryos look beautiful and have grown nicely for a prescribed amount of time, the doctor plans on transferring two "embies." Dr. S. says his plan is for me to have beautifully growing embryos and transfer two of them. He says I will get pregnant with twins. Then, in a year and a half to two years, I will go back for a transfer of two more embryos and have another set of twins. After hearing him share his plans for me, I literally laughed out loud and promptly told him no way. That I don't have the space in our house to have two sets of twins. His response was, "There is a great invention called bunk beds." Not sure at all on how God's plan lines up with Dr. S's, but I will be absolutely blessed whether it is one child...or 4, lol.

To say that I am a bundle of nerves would be an understatement. I am okay with using donor eggs. While I am a little bummed that I won't see a mini-me running around the house, I know that they can have some of my personality simply from how I raise them. Now that I know what month we are going to go through with the IVF, it seems very real all of a sudden. If it seems so real now, I can only imagine my thoughts and emotions once we start our drug protocol. I am excited to see the end results of something we have waited almost 10 years for.

Results and Decisions

Well, Tuesday was the big day. I had to go in for a quick blood draw to test my Estrogen, Progesterone, and most importantly,  my HcG. After that was taken care of, the doctor called me back into his office. He went over my options again, should I not be pregnant, and then told me I had some decisions to make. As I was leaving, I mentioned that I only had two prenatal vitamins left and asked if I should just start taking my OTC vitamins that I was taking prior to taking the samples I had been on the past 3 weeks. The nurse gave me a box of sample packs that should last a month.

When I went to pay my copay, the receptionist handed me a paper to fill out for a prescription vitamin that the doctor would fill out which one he wants me to take and then fax it it. This company is a mail order company. It is costing me 18 bucks a month to have a 30 day supply sent to my home. They are on automatic refill, so I don't have to worry about running out. They are very similar to the Vitafol Ultra I had been taking, except this one doesn't have the Folate in it. It only has the synthetic folic acid, which I am not too keen on.

Around 1:30 I called the office to get my results. Unfortunately, no baby this month. I held it together over the phone, but lost it once I hung up. To my slight surprise, I really only got REALLY upset for about 5-10 minutes. I cried. I threw the box of prenatal vitamins across the room at the door. I drank a beer even though it was only 2:00 in the afternoon. I told Scott and then texted a couple family members and friends.

I say I was only slightly surprised that I was upset for ONLY a short period, because I had been praying about the situation. While I knew there was a chance that I would get pregnant with a natural cycle and IUI, I wasn't super amped about it because it was such a small chance. Going into the 2 week wait, I wanted to be optimistic, but not overly optimistic. My heart knew to prepare for bad news. I had been praying for God to be with me and prepare my heart for the possibility of a not optimal outcome. I had been journaling through a devotional on infertility. I kept petitioning for God to go before me and be there to soften the blow.

God was there for me. He was faithful. Even though I didn't get the answer to so many prayers by so many people, He still answered some of my prayers. The Lord showed that my ovary still works. That my hormones are good. He answered my prayer that I could handle a negative result. In the struggle and the wait, He was faithful. I felt at peace after the initial sting wore off. I feel at peace now.

If my potential egg donor is a good match and is able to produce some really good blastocysts with Scott's sperm, then the battle is half over. I know that seeking out a second opinion is either MY will or GOD'S will. I pray that it is God's will and that using this egg donor is His answer to our many years of prayer and petitions. I have claimed a child. I have claimed that I WILL be a mother. I have every confidence that God will answer my prayer and petition. He wouldn't have placed this desire on my heart and kept it there (even after begging and praying for Him to remove this desire if it wasn't His will). Whether this child that I know will someday end up in my arms and in my home has my DNA, my donor's DNA, or is born in my heart all will be well. It will be well with my soul.

My heart may ache every now and then with the notion that I will never bear life from my body, but my desire to be a mom is way stronger than I can ever describe. God is good and faithful even if we don't understand why things happen the way they do.

Of three things I am sure:
- my family loves Scott and me, and supports us no matter what route we take to having children
-Scott loves me more than I deserve to be loved. We will make a pretty good parenting duo and will be completely smitten with a child. They will likely be spoiled rotten as we have waited so long and worked so hard to bring them into our lives.
- God loves me way more than I can even fathom. He has good plans for me. Not of failure and sadness, but of success, happiness, and goodness. I may not see these plans as being good for me in the moment, but I trust and have faith. I trust and know that He is a good God, a BIG God, and a sovereign God.

Big things are going to happen for Scott and I. I feel at peace with our decision. Whether we have success with our egg donor and IVF or not, I know it isn't the end of our journey. And I know that God will still be good.

Two Weeks In

Since it is technically the 18th, I am officially done with the two week wait. I go in this morning to have my beta drawn to test my hcg levels. I am hoping and praying that I get "egg-cellent" news. My heart can't take anymore defeat.

My "symptoms" aren't very consistent. My fatigue is getting slightly better. I got some really good sleep Sunday morning and Monday afternoon, hopefully that is reason for the improvement. I get occasional nausea or a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have been pretty thirsty today. I am craving carbs, but I think that is a nerves thing.

Scott is playing it cool and doesn't ever bring it up. I don't know if he I scared or nervous or just plain has no emotion or thoughts on the matter. I asked him to pray for me tonight. He wrapped his arms around me and closed his eyes...but didn't say a word out loud. I guess I should have clarified that I wanted to hear it...to help calm my mind.

I have no idea what the results are going to be tomorrow. I can only pray that I am in fact pregnant. Today (Tuesday) is cycle day 28 for me. I usually start spotting on day 27 or at least having cramps or become more emotional. I've got nothing going on...which makes me nervous. Nervous that I am not pregnant, just going to have a 30 day cycle this month or something.

Then I start thinking, "well, even if I might be pregnant, I can't enjoy it." I will be stressed every waking moment that a random twinge of pain could mean I am losing it. Or the constant checking of the toilet tissue after using the restroom for signs of loss. I don't think I will be able to enjoy a pregnancy until I am close to full term. I never want to hear a heartbeat, then have it taken from me again. If I pregnant, it better stick this time. Lord knows how hard it has been to lose my two babies, I couldn't handle losing another one.

Prayers and we'll wishes would be appreciated.

One Week In

So I am one week into the dreaded two week wait. Last week I was up late and then up and out the door to the doctor's office, long before the sun was up...every single day but Friday. That schedule, coupled with school, work, and emotional wear and tear had left me exhausted. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. I have recovered mentally and emotionally but I CANNOT recover physically. Each day I seem to get more and more tired.

I rest as much as I possibly can. I take one or two naps a day and sleep a solid 6-9 hours a night. Maybe my problem is that I am resting TOO much and not moving enough. Highly likely, but I just like to think that I am not resting enough.

I am trying to be optimistic while remaining a realist. There have been some bodily function that are strange going on (but I am trying not to look into it too much). I fee like I am either starving or I have zero appetite, no in between. Things sound good and then when I make them or go to eat them, I have no interest in eating them. Like last night at midnight, I all of a sudden wanted apple and cabbage salad. Scott opened the jar for me I took two small bites and was immediately grossed out by it, yet today I ate almost a whole cup of it in one sitting.

I sure hope these are good things, but don't want to get too excited. I wish tomorrow was the 18th so I could get an answer, yet I don't want the 18th to come because I can't handle hearing disappointing news. Prayers would be appreciated! Have a good end of your work week!

Next Steps

In our efforts to have a baby this past week or so, I have been trying to keep my family updated with the pertinents. I shared with them that the doctor suggested using donor eggs should we not fall pregnant this month. I jokingly sent a text to my mom, siblings, and brother-in-law requesting any extra eggs they have lying around. My brother responded with "We have a dozen in the fridge you can have." My brother-in-law responded with "Putting the 'us' back in uterus."

David's little joke made me laugh at a time when I really needed some comedic relief. Other than their responses, I had radio silence. The next two days I had some people reach out to me regarding egg donation. Wanting to know the process  and when we would be wanting to do this. Without putting too much information out there at this time (because we have only just started the process and don't know if they would be a good candidate), we have a potential donor! This donor would need to have a full work up (should I not be pregnant this month) and then we would have to wait for the doctor to give a thumbs up that she is a good candidate. We then wait for a time when we have more money to pay for this (so if anyone has an extra 11 grand laying around that they don't need, I would be more than happy to take it off your hands).

I am still in disbelief that we have a potential donor. Someone that would be so selfless! My eyes well up with tears everyone I think about it. God is good, and I pray that should we need to go this route, the finances and everything else just fall into place.

Week in Review

I just wanted to write down a recap for my own record of what took place at the RE this week.
Monday: bloodwork and ultrasound. Got the green light for insemination.

Tuesday: bloodwork and ultrasound. First day of insemination. Dr. Spirtos mentioned that egg donation for IVF would probably be our best best for conceiving. Secretary called in the afternoon, come in for insemination again tomorrow as my LH levels were still rising.

Wednesday: bloodwork and ultrasound. Second day of insemination. Dr. Spirtos reiterated egg donation. His office called in the afternoon; he wants me to come back in the morning for more bloodwork and another ultrasound.

Thursday: bloodwork and ultrasound. Ovulation has been confirmed as my follie appeared swollen and misshapen compared to Wednesday. Checked bloodwork results in afternoon, ovulation had indeed taken place as my LH levels were decreased.

Now we wait. The rest is in God's hands. I know I should be praying fervently right now, but I am just exhausted. This is exactly when I should be relying on Him; instead all I want to do it sleep. Please pray for Scott and me over the next 10 days. I need peace in my soul and to feel united with my husband. This week has been hard on us, as it is once again a reminder that he is very logical in thinking while this old girl is the opposite...all emotionally reactive.