Goals and Disappointment

Negative. That is a word that can perfectly describe my thoughts the last five and a half months. I don't know why my mind allows me to think such negative thoughts all the time. When ever I am faced with a situation that I know without a doubt that it will end in a way I want it to, I can be positive. As soon as I realize that there is a chance (even just a slim chance) that it could end the opposite if how I want it to, my mind is made up that it will end poorly for me.

I was watching "Dodgeball" last night. Vince Vaughn's character said something that I can relate to perfectly...except I am the opposite way. His character said, " I find that if you have goals, you may not reach them. If you don't have goals, you won't ever be disappointed."

While I may not have many goals, I do have one goal that I go into every new month with: to get pregnant and stay pregnant. Every month I have that goal, and every month I am disappointed. Which results in me bashing myself mentally and emotionally that I did something wrong again. Maybe I need to be more like Peter (Vince's character in the movie). Maybe I need to stop having goals...apparently the one goal I have is too lofty. Now I know that isn't true. I just put way too much pressure on myself. Mentally, emotionally, and physically (from the stress of worrying).

I am going to step back and try not to make getting pregnant my first priority every month. I need to put my physical, mental, and spiritual health, along with my marriage first.

A Year of Disappointment

It is no secret that this year has been extremely difficult for me... as well as my little family.

* We learned that I have "unexplainable infertility".
* We had to put our poor boy, Rupert, to sleep unexpectedly. He was much too young to leave our lives.
* In July we found out that our second little miracle was not to be. I had to have a horrible procedure as the result.
* Scott got into some legal trouble.
* I found out I had a cyst that was growing on my ovary. Had to take a month's worth of torturous birth control pills to dissolve it.
* Scott had to have surgery on his ankle.
* My latest round of IUI did not work.
* My little girl, Anka, has been found to have a heart condition that has had me worried sick the past four days.
* I got an explanation of benefits from my previous insurance carrier that they aren't going to pay a dime of my bloodwork...so now I have to somehow come up with nearly $5000 to pay for it...without completely draining my savings account.

Yes, this has been a year of disappointments. But there have been a few blessings as well.

* Scott and I found hope in a group of wonderful doctors to help us become parents. Specifically Drs. Mooney and Maseelall.
* I have grown pretty close to a few coworkers.
* Scott and I were blessed to find out on June 2nd that we were expecting our second baby.
* I got to spend the major holidays with family.
* Scott and I found a church that we enjoy, now we just have to make sure we go every week.
*Scott's surgery was a success.
* The birth control pills did their job and dissolved my cyst.
* My family got to spend another year with our grandparents, and that is oretty awesome.
* Scott and I hosted a Christmas dinner for some family.
* My little Anka is a trooper and the doctor expects her to live.


While I may not understand why things happen the way they do, everything happens for a reason. I HAVE to let go and truly let God do His thing.

Living in Limbo

I have been in the dreaded 16 day wait for 13 days. It has been really hard on me this month. Since my dad and grandpa died, this time of year has been hard. After losing two babies it has become even more difficult.

Technically I can take a home test Saturday morning. I have decided to wait until Sunday. Saturday is my Christmas with my immediate family; I don't want to ruin it or put a damper on it if I get a negative result. BUT there is a 50-50 chance it could be positive.

Truth is, I don't know what to think is going on in my body. For the life of me I can't remember how it felt when I was pregnant before. All I can remember is that I always felt tired. The last pregnancy I craved pickles the whole time.

This month I have been really tired, but I have also been really stressed and somewhat more busy than usual. There was about a week that I had weird cramping. I craved pickles for a few days, but once I had a few they tasted gross to me. I get car sick when I am driving more than a couple of minutes. I have been dizzy a few times ans that never happens. There have been major changes in my bathroom habits, too.

I used to have horrible IBS. Now I have the opposite problem. I would love to be able to say "Obviously all the signs say I am pregnant!" But it isn't that easy. I could be having weird reactions or new sensations due to my lifestyle change at the beginning of the month. Being gluten free for a week before having my fertity treatments didn't give me a lot of time to understand what new things would be going on in my body.

I have been taking progesterone for just shy of two weeks. The thing about progesterone is it makes you feel things are occurring in you that may not truly be happening. I wish I could just take everyone's advice and stay calm and relaxed. Doing those things is not an easy task when you desperately want something so badly. Trying hard to be cautiously optimistic instead of a negative Nellie.

Spoiled Cat

What a Weekend part 2

After my insemination Saturday morning, I headed home to gather everything I needed for a day of baking and my 5k that evening. The weather was kind of treachorous in the area I was headed. I needed to head into a neighboring town to pick up my race packet.

*Note: my nurse at the doctor's office told me I couldn't run the race. However, she asked the doc if I could walk it. I got the green light as long as I took it easy and promised to stay hydrated.

After picking up the packet, I headed to my mom's house for a day of baking with her and my sister. It was only 11 a.m. but I was already exhausted. My mom and sister had already began making their cookies. I got started on making the only three things I knew were gluten free: puppy chow, buckeyes and peanut butter blossoms. Half way through my "baking" I hit a wall and laid down on the couch. It seemed to me that I never fell asleep, but my sister insists that I was down too long to not have fallen asleep.

The weather was too snowy and too cold for me to go to the race. So I was kind of bummed. Maybe next year.

Today, Scott and I went to see two of my nephews in their church Christmas pageant. It was cute, a little long, but cute. After church Scott and I headed up north to a Sam's Club to pick up somethings. Afterward we went to get lunch at a place called O'Charleys. A word of advice: not a place to go if you are on any kind of dietary restrictions. Almost everything had soy, gluten and msg in it (the soy isn't a big thing to me). While we were waiting for our food, Scott was holding my hand across the table (which he does almost everytime we go out to eat). An oldrr woman walked by and stopped ilat our table smiled and said "That is too sweet! Have a fantastic Christmas! " I love him so much!

We stopped by the local video store on the drive home and I picked up a couple movies for us. Scott and I just relaxed together for a while. I ended up falling asleep for over an hour and havent been able to do anything constructive since then.

I am praying with all my might that this is the month for our miracle baby to be created. I am looking forward to a time when I don't have to chart my temp every morning before moving in bed.

What a Weekend part 1

The past four days have been hectic for me. I really am ready for my Christmas break to start. Four days of school with students and then a day of inservice left, then two glorious weeks of vacation.

Thursday morning I had my mid-cycle ultrasound. My lining looked good and I had two very large follicles in my right ovary (I shouldn't be shocked that they were in that ovary. That side seems to be more reactive to the medications...hence the cyst from Hades.).

Friday morning I woke up very early to begin the insemination process. My husband is a champ for getting up as early as he did to "make his deposit" for me to take to the lab. I dropped off his specimen and then had 90 minutes to kill. In the past I would have just gone to get breakfast; but since going gluten free, that isn't really an option anymore. So I drove to a local grocery store to see if they had anything. Ended up with an apple and GF granola bars.

Back at the doctor's, I had the doctor from the beginning of the month ultrasound. He showed me the vial of Scott's specimen and asked "Do you know this guy?" To which I responded, yes. He then told me, "Well you are about to know him a whole lot better, so go ahead and lay on down." This caught me off guard because this doctor in particular hasn't really been a talker/joker in my past experiences. So, he completed the insemination and said everything went perfectly!

Friday I had some cramping all day and night. Saturday morning I woke up very early again, for round 2 of IUI. This time I had to leave a little earlier because the roads were getting slick from an incoming snow/sleet storm. I got to the doctor's office/lab in plenty of time and made the drop. Instead of driving around aimlessly for over an hour, like Friday, I stayed there and tried to read a magazine or two.

Tried is the key word because I was half asleep. This day of insemination I had the female doctor. She was the one that inseminated me in May when I got pregnant (hoping for a repeat of that). She was very friendly and was quick. I want to say that I had the BEST nurse that day. She is ALWAYS very thorough and explains everything that needs to be done on my part over the next couple of weeks.

I am going to pause here, as I am afraid this is long enough. To be continued in another post.

Oh Richard!

So this morning I had the first round of IUI for this month. I came home to rest a bit before heading to work. Anka, the dog, was in her cage. Oliver, our hateful cat, was oddly interested in me.

As I was getting comfy on the couch for a quick 15 minute rest, he jumped up to join me. This made me so happy because he seems to hate me recently. I was so surprised, that I took a picture and posted it on F@cebook.

At work on my lunch break, my friend Richard started talking to me. All I heard was "OMG! OMG! Were you still at the doctor's office in that picture? You looked way too happy!"

He is too much. I tried explaining to him that I was home and the cat was on my belly. For some reason he thought my doctor's office had one of those fake purring cats to put patients at ease.

What do you think? Does this look like a doctor's office? I can't believe he thought I would take a selfie DURING my procedure. Richard, Richard, Richard...

Bundle of Nerves

This month will be my 7th determining ultrasound. You would think that having done this 6 times prior I would be cool as a cucumber. This ultrasound just shows how many follicles have responded to the fertility medicine.

My body has ALWAYS responded well to the medications. There is no reason for me to think anything different would be seen tomorrow...except that I am on a new medicine.

I know that there is nothing I can do to for this month to be "the month". But I can't stop worrying. I desperately want to be able to relax and just enjoy life. Oh how I wish I could go back to my college and early 20's state of mind. I didn't worry about stuff. I just somehow knew that everything would be okay; and if it wasn't, that eventually everything would be.

I have been praying all day and last night for peace of mind and for the strength to get through this. Please pray for me.

He loves me!

♡♥♡♥He loves me. He really loves me! Now I have proof!♡♥♡♥

Secret Sidekicks

Where I work, all the staff have a "Secret Sidekick." All of our names get put into a bowl at the beginning of the year and we draw a name out. Each person fills out an information sheet of things they like or things to pray about for them. Last year, we had the same "Secret Sidekick" for the whole school year. This year, we are switching half-way through. So next week is the big reveal.

While it is fun to try to guess who has your name, a lot of people are in the dark about who has them. I have no idea who has me, but they are AWESOME! They leave me notes every now and then to encourage me and let me know they are praying for me. I have received a huge crossword puzzle book, a huge book of word searches, and candy. Tonight at work, as I was getting ready to leave, I went to my classroom to gather my belongings.

There on my desk was just what I have been craving! CHOCOLATE! Well, chocolate covered pretzels to be exact. The best part is that they were gluten free! I am so lucky to have a S.S. that is sensitive to my new dietary needs/restrictions. I try to share my snacks with my students, but these are going to be just for me.

Thanks Secret Sidekick for the yummy treat!

1.2.3.

Well I am three days into my journey of a gluten free lifestyle. It has been easier than I thought it would. While I  don't typically eat breakfast (at least an honest meal), I have been wanting a McGriddle for some reason.

I have successfully navigated my way through dinner at two different restaurants. Nothing seemed to tempt me. The hardest part has been finding a good, satisfying snack for late afternoon.

Tomorrow I hope to get some prepared gluten free food at T@rget and then some at another store which will double a coupon or two.

Abra Cadabra! Poof! Be gone!

This morning marks the start of another month on the infertility journey. Well, actually Sunday marked the beginning; today I had my baseline ultrasound. There hasn't been much sleep on my part since Sunday.

I got to my appointment this morning and was a bundle of nerves. The nurse told me which doctor I would be seeing and it was a surprise to me. Not the one I was told over the phone when I had scheduled. This wasn't a huge deal, but the "substitute doctor" hasn't been the most friendly or talkative to me. He has always come in, said hello, done the exam, and walked out.

This morning, he came in with a resident. She started the ultrasound, but seemed to not be doing a good job based on the fact that he asked her to let him do it less than 60 seconds into it. He said my lining looked good. Then he looked at my left ovary. I could tell right away it was clear.

The moment of truth was finally at hand. We would find out if the month of torture on birth control pills had done its job...was my cyst gone? I blurted out loud, "I pray to God this cyst is gone because that birth control sucked. I not doing that again!" He said, "Well you better be glad you took it because as bad as it was for you, you avoided surgery!" (Side note: I was not aware that had the cyst been there still, surgery was going to be the next step.) As he said that I turned my head to see the monitor. On the screen I could see my ovary. Praise the Lord! It was as clean as a whistle!

I was about to cry, I was so happy. We are going to do IUI again this month, but with a little tweak. Instead of Clomid, I am using Letrozole. We had used Clomid for 10 or 11 rounds (I lost track). It can form cysts on ovaries if used too much. This pill is not FDA approved for use in infertility treatments. It is supposed to be usd to treat postmenopausal women with breast cancer. More about this medicine in a future post.

Tonight I am going to bed excited that I cyst free and back on the "wagon" toward hopefully becoming a mother.

Happy Thanksgiving

Just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving and give a little Scott update. We will start with Scott.

Scott had a follow-up appointment with his podiatrist Wednesday morning. We just expected to have his bandage changed and talk about what the timeline looks like for going back to work. The doctor came in, unwrapped his foot, and changed the bandage. There was a big steri-strip covering the stitches/incision so I couldn't see how it looked. He had a decent sized bruise under his ankle bone.

He asked Scott how it felt to walk on it. "Uhhhh, you told us now weight bearing for two weeks." Dr. said, "Oh no, you can put weight on it." The doctor told him to sit tight, he wanted xrays to compare the ankle before to now. The asistant took him for those and then came back in with a walking boot!

The doctor came back in a few minutes later checked the xrays and said we were good to go. I blurted out "so what is it looking like for going back to work?" He smiled, shook my hand and said, "We will see you in a week to take out those stitches!" So, no idea how much time we are looking at.

Did you have a good holiday? I did. My started bright and early. To cook you ask? Nope, to "trot" in a 5k Turkey Trot in a neighboring town. It was very cold to say the least, I think the actual temp was 16 degrees but with the wind chill felt like 12. I wanted to give up so many times, but stayed the course and finished.

After the race, I came home and started cooking. I was in charge of making a side dish for the meal at my Grandmother's house. I made the standard green bean casserole (sans mushrooms because my husband is so picky). Then I made a new dish. I tried to make ratatouille. It looks delicious and smelled good too.

When it came time to eat, there was so much food! Way too much! My ratatouille was an epic bomb. The tomato sauce was disgusting. It ruined the whole dish. It was bitter and very acidic. I was embarrassed. Should have stuck with something I knew would be great. The were some people from our family that were missing. My sister and her family couldn't be there and my cousin's little baby couldn't come either.

After Grandma's house, Scott and I came home and waited for his mom, brother and sister-in-law to arrive for dessert. Since we were expecting Scott's ankle to be a lot worse we told his mom that we wouldn't be over for Thanksgiving. They arrived around 7:00. Scott, David and their mom had some of my "famous" cheesecake, while Nicole and I had dark chocolate brownies with ice cream.

It was a great day. I am thankful for so many things. Blessings to you all!

Where was Mine?

My dear husband has been having ankle pain for over a year now. Last fall I finally convinced him to see a podiatrist. After a couple failed attempts to rid him of his pain, the doctor finally ordered a ct-scan of the affected ankle.

The scan showed that he had a bone that never fused to other bones and was essentially "floating in soft tissue". This has created arthritis in his ankle, causing the pain. So, this morning he is having that pesky bone removed.

When I went back to see him prior to the surgery he had a funky hospital gown on. It wasn't fabric per se. There were flaps all over it; under one flap was what appeared to be a hose attachment port. I asked the nurse what it was. Come to find out, the gown had a "compartment" for air.

Depending on how the patient is feeling they can attach a hose to the gown that blows air into it. The air can be cold or warm depending on what the patient wants. No more heated blankets at this hospital!

My question is: where was mine in July? I had a procedure using the same health system...no "Bair Paws" for me!

A little post surgery update: Scott ended up having a cyst growing in his ankle that had to be removed as well. He is recovering well at home. "Nurse Ratchet" has been very kind to him...so far.

Scott was happy to model the "Bair Paws" gown.

One last look at the "defective" foot and ankle.

The "Bair Paws" machine. A little bummed that Scott didn't want to give it a whirl.

Numbers

This may not be a big deal to the majority of you, but it is to me. I have always wondered how many people read this little blog of mine. There is a stats page that I can view. In the past, I didn't pay much attention to it. In the past week I have been watching it like a hawk.

Why? Because in just over a month and a week or so, I have had over a thousand page views. That tells me hat even though people don't comment, there are people reading. So...I just want to say THANKS!

La La Loopsy

La La Loopsy...that is how I have been feeling lately. Ever since I started these stinking birth control pills to attempt dissolving my ovarian cyst, I have been loopy. My days are like roller coaster rides. I can be perfectly happy one minute, then sobbing the next. Something someone says, a way someone looks at me, a word or phrase I read, anything can set me off. My students are pretty lucky that my main two emotions this past week and a half have been happiness and sadness.

I was talking to my sixth period class this afternoon, and all of a sudden I burst out in tears. The last thing a group of 8th-10th graders needs to see is me at a very weak moment. I have a reputation to live up to you know...and apparently lately it is that of a emotional wreck. Although, in my moments of weeping this afternoon, I was able to see my students look at me through different "lenses". Most of them had a lot of compassion for me and were very concerned as to why I was crying. I wish I had a better explanation for them. All I could muster out was "I am on a new medicine that makes me cry a lot. I don't know why it does, but it does."

Along with the emotional roller coaster, I have been getting headaches. These headaches are borderline migraine status. I had one yesterday from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed. Thankfully, I woke up without one today. Upon my departure from work this afternoon, it was back (but nowhere near as bad as yesterday). I really lucked out because I had an appointment with an acupuncturist after work. She asked me if I was still taking a break from fertility treatments and that set me off again on a crying trip. I explained that I was, and that my cyst had gotten bigger from the month before and my doctor had put me on birth control to try to dissolve it.

After telling her all my symptoms, she said "I can tell you that you are not depressed. This is all brought on by the pills. They have thrown your hormones all out of whack." That made me feel a little better. (Side-note: earlier in the day I had called the nurse's line for my doctor due to some bleeding that has been going on and the constant crying. She told me that I could go off the pills if I was that uncomfortable.) My acupuncturist was determined to get my spirits lifted and my headache to disappear. As soon as the needles went into my ear, I felt a change. I almost fell asleep before she finished putting the rest of the needles in my body. It was so relaxing and my headache went away! All it took was 20ish minutes of acupuncture and my headache was gone, along with my sadness. So glad I didn't have to take any pills!

If you have never had acupuncture, you should look into it. I also got "Korean Hand Therapy", which is interesting.

I lied...

In my post yesterday I mentioned that I MAY have a tad bit of depression. That was a lie. It is more than a tad bit. This "depression" or funk that I am in is two fold.

I  worried about Scott's surgery. We live off his income and pay the mortgage, car insurance and my car payments with mine. With his surgery, he will be unable to work for at least three to four weeks. Possibly longer depemding on how he is healing and how much HE follows the doctor's orders. That is one month or more with none of his income.

We have never had to do this before. We haven't had to live on a budget either; we have been very fortunate in that way. I am worried that I am going to mess up somehow and we will be completely broke by the time he goes back to work.

A big part of my funk that makes me really sad is a more touchy subject. I have been trying to be happy and not sad when I think about the holidays. This year it is really bothering me. I miss my dad a lot lately. Last night we celebrated my uncle's 60th birthday. My dad and my uncle got along so well. My dad would have turned 60 four months ago. He would have loved having grandkids. I can only imagine what he would have built for them in his little workshop in the basement. Or imagine watching him put the train under the tree. Carefully instructing them on how to "properly use the control box" while it was running.

And the biggest part of my unhappiness stems from my losses the past two summers. I cannot stop thinking of how I could have had a seven month old right now or have been six months pregnant right now. It really sucks. No time of the year really screams "babies" more than this time.

I am trying to be thankful for having such a great family that loves and supports me. For friends that do the same as well. But at the end of the day, I still come home to a house (void of the thing I desire most in my heart). Not a home. A house with two empty bedrooms. One that should be a nursery and the other is a guest room.

No baby to rock to sleep. No stocking to fill for the first time. No precious bundles wrapped and put under a tree. No sweet smell of precious baby to inhale. Sure I could "rock" my furry children or even try to rock Scott (ha!), but it wouldn't be the same and no where near as pleasant.

So please pray for me. Last year was hard knowing that I had one baby in heaven. This year is much, much more difficult. Imagining the fun my grandpa and dad are having with my precious babes.

Sleep? Who needs sleep?

So, I have been on "the pill" for 9 days now. When I started it last Friday, I felt okay. After a day or two I noticed that I was very tired all the time. So naturally I went to bed earlier...and earlier and earlier. One night this past week I was in bed almost sleep by 8:00. I would wake up in the morning just as tired as when I went to bed.

I didn't know what to think. Should I blame the new meds? Does this have to do with the time change and it being dark so much earlier? Am I slipping back into a depression? Is it because my diet has become really crappy again?

Did I mention that I hadn't been to the gym consistently in just over three weeks? And at that I had only been once in said three weeks. Thursday morning I made sure that I had everything I needed to be able to head to the gym right after work. When I got there, I realized that I didn't have my earbuds with me and was sooo close to just pulling back out of the parking lot (I hadn't even got out of the car).

I made myself get out of the car and go in. I really needed to get back on my training for a race I want to run. My mind wasn't in it, and told me to just ride the recumbent bike. So I gave in and used the bike for a whopping 17 minutes (after a five minute warm-up on the treadmill). My head just wasn't in the game.

As I was walking back toward the locker room, I had to walk past the treadmills. Something in my mind made me turn to the right and head to a dreadmill instead of staying the course toward the locker room. Short story made longer, I completed a training session (using an app on the phone).

That night and Friday night, I was wide awake until 10:30. I forced myself to go to bed in which sleep came pretty quickly once I was laying down. The most surprising part of all is that I was awake and ready to go by 6:30 Friday and Saturday (today), which never happens.

So my "extreme lethargy" cannot be blamed on my new medicine. But probably mostly on getting too much sleep, not enough exercise, and maybe a tad bit of depression. Let's face it, each month that passes without life growing in my body is a sad thing for me...even though I know I am doing the right thing for my body by not pursuing fertility treatments this month and last. As much as I hate having this stupid cyst, I am glad I don't have to worry about all the appointments, medicines at certain times, the stress of worrying if it took, and about the money.

All Quiet On the Baby-front

Just a quick recap of what has been going on here on the baby-front. I went to the specialist last month and was told fertility treatments were a no go. Why? Because I had a cyst on my right ovary. The doctor wanted me to take a month off for my body to heal itself and the cyst to go away.

Fast forward to last Friday. Had my monthly baseline ultrasound to "check what's going on under the hood." Uterus: check, all systems go. Left ovary: check, clean as a whistle. Right ovary: BOO! HISS! BOO! Not only was my unwanted guest still there, but it did not shrink. Not on millimeter! In fact, it grew.

To say I was disappointed would be a half-truth. While you never want to hear your doctor say "your cyst didn't do what we wanted it to, it did the opposite", I am actually kind of relieved. In the moment, I was crushed. I cried all day at work.

Looking at all that is going on in my life,  and what is about to go on in the next few weeks, it is kind of a relief. Scott has to have surgery next Friday. Once he has the surgery, he will be out of work for a minimum of three-four weeks. That means I will be playing nurse for a while. My body and mind don't need the additional stress of going through fertility treatments this month.

So for now, I am just taking my "cyst dissolving pills" (birth control) and praying that it does the trick. I was reminded this morning on the way to work how when I try to lead what is going on in my life, it never works out the way I want it to. That when I hold on to God and let Him lead, things always turn out better.

Lamb Pituitary, Anyone?

I went to the Chiropractor this afternoon. We were discussing something, I forget what, and I mentioned that I was going to an acupuncturist. She asked how I liked it. Being honest, I said that I hadn't noticed any change but then again I wasn't going to remedy migraines or anything. I was going for infertility.

She shared that a friend of hers had struggled with infertility and had acupuncture as well. Eventually she went on to have a healthy baby. I shared that I was willing to try anything at least once because I had suffered through two miscarriages within a year of each other.

The doctor then asked how far along in each pregnancy I lost the baby. After thinking a minute, she asked if I had any thyroid problems. Why, yes! Yes I do! She said it may be a combination of thyroid and pituitary dysfunction. After running some "tests", she decided that I may benefit from taking pituitary/hypothalamus supplements. I decided to give it a try. Not only will it make me feel better in general, it could improve my chances in conceiving and carrying a healthy baby.

I start the pill tonight. So...if you hear me baaaing over the course of the next few says you will know why!

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday to my bestest friend in the whole of the world. I love you in so many ways, Scott. Not just the typical "sweaty hands, butterfly in the stomach, feel electric when we touch" way.

This past year and a half you have shown me through your actions and words just how much you love me and our two babies. You were my rock during our two miscarriages. Outside of God, you were the only one that could truly feel my pain.

You have a gracious and loving heart. Your dedication to the people you love and your job, make me love you even more. I pray this year is THE year when everything falls perfectly into place for you.

I love you so very much. Happy birthday, babe!
♥♡♥♡ Mel

A Much Needed Break

I had my baseline ultrasound this morning at the reproductive endocrinologist. No, I am not pregnant. This ultrasound is to check my ovaries for cysts. Last month I had one on my right ovary.

This resulted in me needing my hormone levels checked. If the level was low enough, I got to continue with treatment. Well, it was low so treatment commenced.

This morning, my left ovary was clear. Right ovary had another cyst. The doctor doesn't know if it was the same one or a new cyst. It was bigger this time than last. So...he decided that it was in my best interest to sit this month out. He said this is my body's way of telling me it needs a break.

I am perfectly fine with that decision. My heart was at ease when I left the office. I cannot say enough good things about him. I had many questions, he took the time to answer all of them.

I told him that my family would like me to get a second opinion. He said that is fine, and it won't offend him. Our conversation continued, but I won't share all that was said. However, I will say that it was nothing that I haven't shared before. His belief is the same as mine, that there isn't a physical test or blood test that he hasn't conducted. There isn't a magical test out there, that can predict when I will get pregnant. Also, there is absolutely nothing physically wrong with my "parts", blood, hormones, or Scott's "men". He told me that if I ever want to get a second opinion, he will make sure I don't have to pay for my records to be sent.

Have a great weekend!

It is time to get real

I have to be honest in this post. Brutally honest. Having fertility issues sucks. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Unless you have been through what I have been through, you honestly have no freaking idea what it is like. Sure, you can imagine what it might be like. You can have empathy and sympathy for people in my shoes. Still, no clue what it is really like.

For a few months I have been asked by several people or told through the grapevine that I should get a second opinion. Here is where I have to be a witch and say leave me the heck alone. I have big enough fish to fry thank you. I know it comes from a place of concern and usually of love.

Honestly, what I need from my family and friends is support. No questions asked. Just support. Shoot me a text saying "I hope you are doing well" or pray for me. Trust me, I can use all the prayers I can get. Or answer the phone if I choose to call you and let me vent. I don't want to hear "I know this will happen for you" or "You will be such a great mother" or "God only places such burdens on his strongest warriors." All of that means nothing to me. You are not God; you don't know if I will ever have children of my own. You don't  know why some people have larger burdens to carry or more trials to go through than others. Just tell me you love me and are praying for me.

I am scared. No, beyond scared. I am terrified! Terrified that I will never have the opportunity to carry a baby full term and then bring home a healthy baby from the hospital. One that shares my DNA with Scott's DNA. To raise a child of my own. I used to think that I would be cool with adopting children if I couldn't have my own. Not anymore. I would be a liar to say differently. I desperately want the experience and joy and connection of having my own child.

Getting back to the topic of getting a second opinion. I think a big part of why I am being firm in not getting a second opinion is that I am comfortable usong the doctors I have. They haven't given up on me, why should I give up on them? I trust them implicitly. I know many people have suggested that I go see their "rival" in town. But it goes back to me being scared. I am terrified that I will go to this other doctor and be told that I will NEVER be able to have kids. That he has no other options for me. Or that I will be in the exact place I was with the other doctors.

I would much rather know that I have infertility due to PCOS or some other problem. But to be labeled as having "undiagnosed infertility" is the worst. Because then it is just "something isn't clicking, we don't know what it is. There is nothing physically wrong with you."

I feel like I am spinning my wheels and I am in a horrible nightmare. I have prayed for a child for over 5 years. I have petitioned God for a child. I have had people lay hands on me and pray multiple times. I am at a point where I am broken. I am broken mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually. The devil is screaming in my ear that the Lord has forsaken me, turned his back on me, has turned a deaf ear to my prayers and pleas. I am disgusted that I listen to it and at times believe it.

So I will wrap this up. Please just pray for me. That is the way you can show your love and support the most. Pray. Pray. Pray. Not just that Scott and I will someday soon get the news we have been wanting for so long, but that I am able to find a place of peace and calm in my Father's arms. Where I will know the next step to make and trust that He is leading my path.

Tools of the Trade

!!WARNING!!
I am attaching pictures of a couple items that I have become very familiar with over the last eight months. If you wish to not see them, close the window. It is nothing graphic...just typical ob/gyn stuff and a catheter (which you can't see).

The Torture of an Imposter

I have been on progesterone for a week now. I took the suppositories last month too. Last month I had some minor side effects from it...really emotional and hot flashes galor.

This month, there seems to be more going on. I have had emotional outbursts, hot flashes, night sweats, exhaustion, and increased trips to the bathroom. Yesterday more things started happening...smells were bothering me, food was making me dry heave and at bedtime lets just say something was in a lot of pain.

Normally a woman would experience these things and say "oh! I bet I am pregnant!" It isn't that easy for me. Progesterone is the great imitator. I creates the same biological symptoms of pregnancy. It is hard to sit or lie down and just let these symptoms be positive signs, knowing full well that there is a good chance it is just the medicine.

This really stinks. I thought I had been doing so well not thinking about the likelihood of the IUI working this month. Then I think back to all the times I have wanted to do something the past week and stopped myself because it was on the "doctor prescribed list of no-no's".

So I will try to go back to not thinking about what could be going on down in my abdomin and continue living life for the next week.

Checking In

Just checking in. No important news to share. We are 9 days into our 16 day wait. I ave been trying not to think about it too much. Keeping "busy" with other things. Hoping all is well in your neck of the woods.

What A Day!

My day started earlier than I would have hoped for a Saturday morning. Woke before the sun came up to go to my fertility specialist. Had three good sized follicles. Received my hcg trigger shot, so I have to be back before the sun comes up tomorrow AND Monday for my IUI.

Since I was up, out and about I decided that I would head to a local mall to get my mascara from Sephor@. I was a bit early arriving to the mall. Who knew all the stores opened at 10 a.m.? I had to kill about an hour. Anyway, I was really disappointed to learn that they don't carry my specific mascara anymore...the only option was to try a new kind or order it online. I got ticked and gave the employees some attitude and grief. I apologize and ask for forgiveness. It is just that I drove all the way there and waited for almost an hour only to walk out empty handed. Well, to say completely empty handed would be a lie; I bought a jar of Korres Yoghurt Moisturizing Night Mask.

The best part of the trip to the mall, was that I went to NY & Co. It has been a few years since I shopped there for myself. Since I knew I had lost weight, I thought maybe I would fit in some of their clothes. I ended up buying a pair of slacks and a shirt. Now, I won't be wearing these items right away as I don't like how I look in them. The pants zip easily, but are a tad snug in the thighs. I know that in a couple weeks they will be perfect.

Last thing, went to the gym after the mall. Had taken the last two days off from working out. Stepped on the scale with some trepidation. Only to find I had lost another pound. That makes 10 lbs. total!

Have a great weekend. As always, please continue to pray for my procedures to be successful this month.

Blech

Went to bed  at 9:15, because I am such a night owl lately. The weather was perfect. Apparently it rained a bit while I was in dreamland...just enough to make it super muggy and uncomfortable! Woke up at 2 a.m. drenched in sweat.

This is the reason why:

Well, this paired with fertility meds coursing through my veins!

Stressed to the Max

Third week of school. Full moon= squirrely kids. Stressed to the hilt. Not good for my body. Stress eating for the first time in months. Possible fertility treatments this weekend and Monday= more unnecessary stress. Desperately hoping and praying for it to work.

PRAYERS COVETED! ! Is it a sin to covet prayers?

Babies, Babies, Babies!

I just wanted to share some of the super cute kids that are in my and Scott's families! We got to spend time with all of them yesterday.

H and B

H showing his drink and dragon.

M was getting tired.

Lindsey holding little T.

H and the birthday girl, B!

Our family's M & M's.

D and G enjoying a round of "silent wrestling".

J was deep in thought. D was icing his boo boo.

M was giving me her "kissy face".

Mom and Larry's grandkids.

Work it Girl!

Although I may be a smudge disappointed that my fertility treatments didn't work this past cycle, I am g lad that I get to head back to the gym. In the past six weeks, two of which I wasn't allowed to workout, I have lost some weight. I was certain that I had lost like three pounds. I haven't  weighed myself in about three weeks.
Yesterday at work, I was told that I am "looking good" by a co-worker and his wife. I was taken by surprise, and ended up being rather rude about it. So this morning I headed to the gym and bit the bullet...I weighed myself. I was SHOCKED to see that I have lost 9.5 lbs!!
That leads me to this dilemma: do I take a break from fertility treatments to get full possibility exercise in for the next six weeks to try to get more healthy? Or do I continue my treatments and just workout as my doctor allows? I already know that I will be restricted to super low impact for at least two weeks out of the month. If the treatments work, I expect that I will be on the same restrictions for at least the first 12 weeks of the pregnancy.
I want both a baby and to be as healthy as possible VERY badly. I have put my health on the back burner for far too long. Why does this have to be so complicated?

Whatcha Got Cookin?

I got the urge to bake today. What I didn't realize was how long it was going to take. I embarked on the journey to make baguettes shortly after noon. As of 5:45, they still aren't ready to go I'm the oven. They are in their second rise. I still have to shape them and then they have to rise again for five minutes.  I expect to finally get to taste them around 8:30 tonight.

While those are rising, I startimg making a treat for my geometry class tomorrow. My students started talking about cinnamon sugar pretzels on Wednesday. I told them that I have an "Auntie Anne's" kit I need to use. So I promised they would recieve them tomorrow. I am regretting that...

Top photo: the recipe I am using for my baguettes

Bottom photo: dough smells great during the second rise

Just as Expected

This will be short, sweet and to the point. No baby success this month. While I could choose to be sad and feel sorry for myself, I won't. I am picking myself up and brushing off. There is always this next cycle (at least for now).
So in preparation for any potential embryos or fetuses this next cycle,  I am back in my fitness mode. I plan to eat and exercise my way to optimal health in order to best house any babies.
My time will come. My time will come. My time will come.

Back on the Wagon

I guess it doesn't take long to forget about how draining the start of a new school year can be. I certainly don't remember feeling like this last year. This may be the body's way of healing?? Teachers may not be too interested in going back to school if they feel the way I do. School started yesterday. I was ready for bed by 9:00 last night. Today, I came home from work and laid on my bed to relax for a minute and to cuddle with the cat. The next thing I know, my phone is ringing (it was Scott). He was on his way home from work and it was just shy of 7:00.

This 90ish minute nap was wonderful, but I sure hope that I can sleep soundly tonight. On a more personal note, sorry if this is TMI...I have been bloated and constipated like nobody's business. Also, my dreams have been whacked out for the past week and a half! They aren't getting any better. Gotta go, I have math papers to grade!

Straaa-aaannngggeeee Thiiingsss (sung ala Randy Newman on Toy Story Soundtrack)

The past couple of days, I have not been feeling myself. I am tired. Not just tired, but darn near exhausted. I can't sleep well at night. I toss and turn. Part of me thinks it is because the weather has been so humid and I refuse to turn on the air conditioning. I refuse to turn it on because the second floor never cools down. It just stays hot. I have awoken in night sweats several nights in the past two weeks.

On top of not sleeping well, I have been having really strange dreams. They are very vivid and seem to be real. I can be in the middle of a dream, wake up for a few minutes, and then fall back asleep right into the dream I had just left.

Last night I started something else new. I had huge cravings for hot pepper cheese. Eating a piece or two wasn't cutting it for me. I lost track of how many pieces I ate. But let me tell you, it was soooo delicious! My body is paying the price now. I forgot how "binding" cheese is...

These new changes have occurred in the past. I experienced them all in May. The only thing missing is the strong urge to have pickles every night. I am not going to let myself think too much into this. I still have 8 days to wait before testing. Longest 8 days ever!

Now a verse to leave you with. This has been very encouraging to me over the past year.

Blessed is the man who is patient under trial and stands up under temptation,

for when he has stood the test and been approved, he will receive [the victor's] 
crown of life which God has promised to those who love Him.

~James 1:12 (Amplified)

Life Goes On

So, not much has been happening in la casa de Galloway the past few days. I think this post will be one of numbers. Here goes...

0: the number of times I have worked out in the past 8 days...and it stinks!

33: the number of years I have gone without a cavity. Had a great check-up at the dentist today.

9: how many days are left of the dreaded two week wait. I may just wait a day or two longer...I am terrified to POAS (pee on a stick)!

7: number of months it has been since I heard from a really good friend. She contacted me out of the blue yesterday and tonight I learned that she is moving within 5 minutes of me!

4: the number of days left in my summer vacation before school officially starts.

6: the number of medications I have to take everyday...I can think of three that I can't wait to stop taking, but it won't be anytime soon.

8.5: the number of hours of uninterrupted sleep I pray I get tonight.

1: the number of infants I held at work today. He was two months old and such a tiny peanut!

14: the number of hours it will be until I finally get my car back from the shop! Five and a half days is a long time when you have places to go and people to see!

Quality Time with Mommy

Yes, I am one of those people that takes pictures with her pets and of her pets. They are my furry children. I spoil them rotten because I don't have any human babies to spoil...yet. Pardon the quality of the pictures, as they were taken by the built-in camera on my laptop.

My sweet Anka hanging with me.

Oliver and Anka having a stare down...

Hanging out with mommy. This is a rarity, so I have to capture the moment!

Talking My Language

I love my husband all the time. He makes me laugh daily, which is the best medicine! Sure there are times I want to scream when he does something that "isn't pleasing" to me. But I still love him.

Last fall I read "The Five Love Languages". It really opened my eyes as to how I show my love for people (especially Scott), and how others show their love.

Scott was an easy one to figure out. His main love language is physical touch. I know this, he knows this. My love language is definitely NOT physical touch. If you know me at all, I actually really dislike being touched. So how we have been together for just shy of 16 years is purely a blessingnof God.

My love language was a little harder for me to figure out. I narrowed it down to two. Words of affirmation and acts of kindness. I think my main language is acts of kindness. I like to help people and do nice things, like bake a treat to share. I really like it though when Scott does things around the house...without being asked a million times.

Tonight he was singing my language! He fixed a light fixture, replaced light bulbs, and unclogged a drain. I was smitten as a kitten. Now if only I could put my likes and dislikes aside for a while and speak his love language more often.

Babe- thanks for speaking my language tonight! You are remarkable and I am so proud of your strength and willpower the past couple of days.

All Consuming Emotions

I have been feeling overwhelmed lately. There are a few reasons for this. One reason, I can't share at this time. I am overwhelmed with anxiety about the upcoming school year. This upcoming school year has a few changes for me, one of which is pretty major. Not only am I getting a completely new classroom, but I am the new math teacher for 8-12 grades. Now, I won't have all the upperclassmen, but I will have a couple. It has been a long time since I have taught math above the basics. I am not doubting my abilities, I just know that I am rusty at it and hope that I can quickly get into the swing of it. My new classroom isn't quite finished yet, and I am a little nervous that it won't be ready in time. I am praying that there is nothing to worry about come next Tuesday.

Most of my anxiety stems from this month's infertility treatment. I am nervous that it won't take. The treatments are not cheap, and each month that doesn't take is like flushing money down the drain. There are new medications that I am taking. The Folbic has not been a concern, it is a welcome addition as it is folic acid with extra B complex vitamins. I can use all the extra energy I can get. Tonight starts a new medication in my regime. I have to use Progesterone capsules at bedtime. This two week wait is pure torture. I have a constant reminder that I am waiting on important news each time I look at the ottoman in the living room. The ottoman is my medicine cabinet...I keep them all out in plain sight with the time of need written on the caps of each bottle.

It is times like this that I really struggle. I know that I need to be diligent in turning all my thoughts over to the Lord. That fear and anxiety are not emotions from the Lord. They can be crippling to me. The thoughts of worry and fear become all consuming and the paralyze me.

So do me a favor...please let me know what specific verses in the Bible bring you peace and clarity? Encouragement and hope? I need all the help I can get to overcome this irrational fear and anxiety once and for all.

Preserving the Past

So, I have been debating for a while now on what to do with something. I have a series of ultrasound pictures from this summer's pregnancy. I don't know what to do with them. On one hand, they are precious memories of live personified. Scott and I tried so long to create that little miracle. On the other hand, it is a reminder of one of the worst possible things that could happen to a couple. The loss of our second child was more painful than losing the first.

I want to remember how excited I was to see the progress and hear our little miracle's heartbeat. I saw it grow over the course of a couple weeks. I have heard that ultrasound pictures fade after a while, but I don't know how long that takes. So, I am choosing to keep them preserved on my blog. While they will be kept in perfect condition on the Internet, I have no idea what to do with the real ones and how to keep them preserved.

Our little miracle at 7 weeks 0 days. It was measuring small, but we had hope and faith.

The first and last time we heard the precious heartbeat. A week later, our little miracle was found to have gone home.

My New Friend

Here is a picture of my new friend. She doesn't have a name...I feel like she should. She will be accompanying me everywhere for at least the next 15 days. I don't know how this is supposed to work. Do I just have her with me at my appointments and procedures? Or do I keep it until a baby is in my arms?
So far she has been to work with me, Akron and Canton. Maybe she will be like an adult version of Flat Stanley...

Have a great weekend!

Secret Weapon

A couple day ago, I got a private message on F@cebook from a family friend. She wanted me to know her husband was going to drop something off for me at my mom's house. I went and got it yesterday morning. In the bag was a beautiful note. The bag also held a beautiful item. It is now my secret weapon in my journey through infertility.
She has loaned me a handcrafted, authentic "African Fertility God". I am excited to see if it brings good things this month. Now, don't get upset thinking that I am going to be worshiping false idols or other gods. It is just a unique wooden carving that has special meaning to the culture that created it. If it can bring several miracles to three women, why not carry it with me to my procedures?
I took it with me today to my Day 12 Ultrasound. It stayed stashed in my purse. The appointment went really well. I had two HUGE follicles on one side and one decent sized follicle on the other. By huge, I mean they were 22mm. Anything over 19 is good. After the ultrasound I got a "atta girl" from the doctor...like I can control how many follicles develop and their size. The nurse came in and gave me my trigger shot of HcG.
So that means tomorrow and Saturday mornings are the big days. Please pray for good results on this round. I realized later this afternoon that I had a question about a medication and called the doctor. A couple weeks ago, I thought the doctor had mentioned I would start taking progesterone a couple days after my insemination. Well, he never mentioned it again and I thought if I was supposed to be taking it, I was going to need a prescription...STAT! The nurse told me that they usually don't prescribe progesterone until you are pregnant, but she would ask the doctor. If she was incorrect, she would call me back. Not five minutes later, low and behold I got a return phone call. He said he was fine with me starting progesterone this Sunday, and not waiting until I got a positive home pregnancy test. Tomorrow and Saturday mornings I have my procedures. Sunday night, at bedtime, I start taking progesterone. And then the two week wait starts. These next two weeks are going to drag...
Please continue to pray for me, Scott, and the doctor to execute these procedures flawlessly.

And so it begins again

This summer I learned quite a bit about myself. I learned that I am stronger than I thought I was. I learned that it really is okay to Let go and let God. And when you do that, prayers are more often answered. I have learned that I am powerless over my emotions and I need help dealing with them.
I turned to God after my second miscarriage. I leaned on Him like never before. I found that the more I gave it all to Him, the calmer and happier and at peace I was...so much so that after dinner one evening with my best friend, she texted me that I seem like a different person. That my whole "vibe" was different and that I seemed happier. I owe all of this to God!
My doctor has recommended that we start trying to conceive again right away. The odds are better in the first three months after a pregnancy loss. So, I have taken the fertility meds prescribed to me, along with some extra "goodies" he had ordered for me. Now, the much anticipated progress ultrasound is less than 36 hours away. This will let us know if my follicles have developed enough to trigger ovulation and proceed with IUI.
Here is the problem...I am reverting back to my old ways. I am worried sick that something will go wrong. In my mind, I HAVE TO have the IUI performed Friday morning because I have pretty important plans for the weekend. I LITERALLY cannot get the procedure done on Saturday or Sunday without ruining my weekend. The control freak, worry wart is in full effect and it pains me. I KNOW now what it is like to be calm and not stress over things I have no control over.
This should be something that I could just give to God, but I can't! The devil is playing a nasty game with my psyche this week and planting seeds of doubt.
So, if there is anyone who reads this please do me a huge favor and pray for me the next few days. I am going to need all the prayers I can get.

Letting go and Letting God

We all know that my pregnancy unfortunately ended early. I was devastated. This miscarriage was much more difficult to deal with for several reasons. Some of which I still don't understand and I don't think I ever will. This time, I was left with so much anxiety and raw emotion, I didn't know what to do. It also left me with horrible heart palpitations. Medicines that were prescribed to prevent them were not working. I went to my physician, whom I trust without question. He listened to me complain about all that was going on both in my life and in my body. Once I had stopped talking, he told me that I needed help. I knew I needed help, that is why I was there. He told me that this time I would have to get help without medical intervention.

He recommended I start attending a support group, if you will. This support group "will help you learn to deal with your emotions". According to him, I had a lot of pent up emotions going back to my father's death 9.5 years ago. Deep down I knew he was right; but who wants to admit that they need to go to a support group at my age? I reluctantly agreed to go.

That was five weeks ago. I have gone every week. I have been working the "program" and I think it is helping me. Now, if I had just been going to the meetings, I don't think it would be helping me much. What is different now, is that I am taking time out of everyday to read a devotional and my Bible. I am deliberate in my readings and try to carry out what the devotional says in my daily life.

I have grown stronger in my relationship with Christ throughout this whole ordeal. When I first found out I would probably lose my baby and then finding out that I DID lose the baby, I would just cry and yell out "WHY GOD?!?! Why me, again?" or "This isn't fair! What did I do?" I didn't take the time to stop and listen for an answer. Slowly, over the last 6 weeks, I have learned to still my thoughts and actions. I have learned to stop asking why. I may never know why and I am slowly becoming okay with that. Now, instead of asking why, I have learned to ask for guidance in the future. To thank Him for my struggles. He obviously wanted me to learn something from them. I had learned through my meetings and through my walk with the Lord to stop worrying so much. Take one day at a time and to let go and let God.

I believe that by letting go of my worry, I opened up a door to a new hope. God has moved in HUGE ways in my life this week alone. I got great news on my blood work, with the exception of one test. But that one test was not all bad news. There is a reasonable "fix" for my defective gene that will hopefully allow my body to carry a baby to full term. So I got two pieces of good news that I KNOW God had a hand in. Then the nurse told me that unfortunately my insurance company may not cover the medicine I HAVE TO HAVE when I get pregnant. I was trying not to worry too much about it. I kept telling myself that if we have to pay a grand a month for the medicine, we will find a way to make it work.

Then the biggest Praise God moment I have had yet, the same nurse called me later in the day. She told me that she had talked to the special pharmacy that deals with fertility medications and treatments. They informed her that my insurance company, did not only cover my medication but the co-pay would only be $10/month. HOW AWESOME is that?!?! Only God could have moved that mountain.

So while this post is running a little long, I have one thought left. I am trying to be optimistic that all of these things mean that a baby will be in my near future. But there is that old part of me that isn't quite healed yet that plants a seed of doubt in my mind. That seed of doubt is saying "Don't get your hopes up! It won't work again!" Wait a minute...I shouldn't say that it is part of me...that is the devil trying to turn me away from the light and being positive. Whenever he tries to get me down, I am going to tell myself "Let go, and let God!"

What's in Your Blood?

I had the misfortune pleasure of having 10 vials of blood drawn back in July after my D&C. When I say "pleasure", I mean it. I actually like I to give blood...call me a sicko if you want, my feelings won't be hurt. The good doc determined that I needed to spare some of my blood so that he could gain an insight as to what is going on in my DNA. I was checked for a whole gamut of shtuff; most of which I cannot remember or do I care to remember. I was hoping to get the results like two weeks ago; that was a pipe dream!

So yesterday, I called the fertility group I see to schedule a Day 3 ultrasound (which for you non-infertility people out there is just a baseline ultrasound to make sure there are no cysts on my ovaries). **On a side-note, let me just share that I really did NOT miss having a monthly visitor this summer. It was so nice not to have to worry about being prepared and to not have cramps.**Any who...my call was returned later by a staff member. She informed me that I could NOT have an ultrasound until I had met with Dr. M to discuss my blood results. Well, you didn't want to mess with me. I, as kindly as I could, informed her that the last time I was in there (a week and a half ago) Dr. M did not inform me that I needed to see him before having my ultrasound. And I asked if there was a way I could discuss with him these results at the same appointment as the ultrasound. I ended up having to go to another office, which was fine with me otherwise I would have had to wait to day 4 and that would just mess up my schedule I had planned out in my head.

I got to the appointment early, like any good patient should, and ended up waiting almost an hour to see him. That is the longest I have ever had to wait for him...which wouldn't have been so bad except the office seemed to be like 90 degrees. To others it was probably comfortable, but I have my own personal summers every day...don't judge me. He did the ultrasound and I am cyst free which is a green light for treatment to commence.

After the ultrasound, he started to go over the blood test results. Long story short, he tested me for like over a dozen different things and all but 1 came back normal which was AWESOME! The one test that had a problem was kind of a big one. I don't remember the name of the test, and it isn't important. One of my parents gave me a defective gene, wasn't that nice of them? There is no way to tell who gave it to me, but I KNOW that it was my dad. This defective gene creates a problem when a carrier gets pregnant. I am unable to create a protein my body needs to allow the placenta to root itself into the wall of the uterus. My body creates blood clots in the capillaries, which prevents the embryo from growing and results in early pregnancy loss, low birth weight, or pre-term babies (if it can get to the point).

The good news is, there is a plan now. I have to begin taking a low-dose aspirin everyday, along with prenatals and a prescription strength folic acid. Once I become pregnant, I will have to go on blood thinners. Hopefully, this regimen will allow me to get pregnant and STAY pregnant for at least 36 weeks.

The End of A Dream

Last post I informed you of how Scott and I were so excited to find out that we were going to have a baby and then unfortunately I miscarried. On July 10, I had one of my worst nightmares come true. I had to have a D&C. The morning of the surgery, I had to have a "confirmation ultrasound" to get a second "opinon" to verify my baby had indeed lost its little heartbeat. The doctor that did the ultrasound was so sweet and apologized for having to see me under these circumstances. She was also the doctor that did the actual insemination that got me pregnant. After verifying the loss, I had to go downstairs to the same day specialty surgery center.

The nurses there were wonderful. They tried their best to ease my mind and help me relax, when all I wanted to do was cry and scream and just go home. My doctor was fashionably late (as usual) and I was finally taken back to the OR about 15 minutes late. I had done so well with keeping calm and not crying. As soon as they wheeled me in that cold, cold room I started whimpering. I was terrified. Not of the procedure, I had every confidence in the world that it would go as planned. I was terrified of being put under general anesthesia. Medicine worries terrifies me if I have never used it before. (When I had my gall bladder removed, I did not do so well coming out of the anesthesia. I was crying, angry, and pissed at the world)

Apparently, everything went well with the surgery and I was childless once again. I remember waking up in recovery, with Scott by my side. I immediately asked him what time it was. He told me the time, and I immediately said "Good, because that means I get to leave in 15 minutes." Prior to going into surgery, the nurse said if everything went well, I could leave by 1:00. The recovery nurse asked if I was in pain, and I wasn't. I was told that I would have to be able to drink and keep down some crackers if I wanted to get pain medication and to go home. All I was interested in was using the restroom and getting the heck out of there. One of the nurses "assisted me" to the restroom. I did my business and called for her. She came back and asked if I had to change my pad. I sarcastically said that I would require underwear to do that. So, she kindly went and retrieved my belongings. I went to grab my underwear from her, and she wouldn't let go. So I ended up arguing with her that I wasn't handicapped, I only had a little surgery. Suffice it to say, she won that battle...if I wasn't hopped up on pain killers I think I would have gotten my way. ;-)

Recovery from the D&C was easy, at least physically. I had no pain, no bleeding...until about a week later, and even then it was just a couple hours of spotting. Recovery mentally and emotionally was much harder. I cried. A lot. Scott was such a good husband. He made meals, he did laundry, he was the only "functioning" person in the house for a good two weeks.

I had a saline ultrasound two week post op to make sure everything was healing like it should be. That was a horrible experience. I have to take medicine to dilate my cervix anytime there is a catheter involved in a procedure. Well, my doctor insisted that it shouldn't be a problem this time. Let me tell you, he was WAAAYYY wrong. He ended up needing to pry my cervix open with a hemostat (which I would not wish upon anyone). I got the all clear and everything looked great.

Catch up

So, just when I was getting in to the habit of blogging on a regular basis, I had to self-impose a blogging ban. I found out I was pregnant, which was the best news ever! I made myself stop updating about our infertility journey, just in-case something happened to the pregnancy. I didn't want to have to explain anything. Instead of just continuing to blog, I went in an unhealthy direction and became intrigued OBSESSED with any website I could find that had to do with pregnancy and even better...if it had a message board! My life quickly became all about this tiny embryo that I had been waiting for so long to claim as my own.

There were many doctor appointments, blood draws, ultrasounds. This whole being "high risk" and seeing a specialist had its perks. I had three great ultrasounds in less than a month. I got to see my little lentil growing, albeit a very slow growth (which would end up being a problem) and Scott and I got to hear a little heartbeat. Hearing that heartbeat was a double edge sword to me. The bright side was that I got to hear a working, embryonic heart. The bad thing was, as soon as I heard it, I knew something was wrong. Normal baby heartbeats sound like a horse galloping, you know strong, loud and fast. My baby's heartbeat was not so loud, not so strong and the opposite of fast. Hearing a pulse of 77 is great for an adult...not so great for a developing baby. My doctor was so supportive and great. He told us to have faith, it could be one of two things. Either the heart had JUST started to beat that day and was "warming up" or the heart was not strong enough and the baby was on its way to its "demise". No newly expectant parent wants to hear "your baby may be on its way to its demise", however there is no delicate way to state it.

I was SOOOOO grateful that Scott was there and was able to hear its little heartbeat. We prayed a lot over the next week. We went to the next ultrasound, July 3rd. We believe in a Lord of miracles. In our hearts and our minds, we knew that a miracle could have happened and our little lentil's heart could have gotten stronger. I was so desperately trying to stay positive and upbeat, but I had a horrible feeling that morning. Our wonderful doctor was trying to be optimistic, too...right up to the last minute. During the ultrasound, he measured the sac and the embryo. Both had grown in the past week, which was great news. Then he turned on the sound to find the heartbeat...radio silence. There was nothing. I immediately started the silent, ugly cry. You know the one, where your body is like contorting and you look like you are having a seizure, but you don't make a sound. FYI, this is a very painful way to cry with an ultrasound wand still inside your lady parts. My doctor apologized and seemed to be just as upset as we were. He excused himself and waited for me to get it together and come out of the exam room.

He told me to go home and come back in a few days to discuss our options. I wasn't about to do that. I told him that I was okay and I wanted to know my options then, not have to come back and rehash everything. Long story, tried to be made shorter, I decided to get a D&C. I couldn't stomach the thought of walking around for an unknown period of time, waiting for my body to recognize that my baby had died and pass it on its own. So, I scheduled my surgery and went home. The next few days were horrible sucked royally.

And I think that is where I am going to end this little trip down memory lane. Next installment...the end of a dream.