Unanswered Prayers

Have you ever wanted something with all your heart and soul? Something you would make a major sacrifice for? Prayed and prayed and prayed for it only to find your prayer remains umanswered?

The past six years I have been in that situation. It won't take a genius to figure out what I prayed for daily. For roughly 72 months I would pray daily for a baby. When it would get close to the time for my cycle to start I would get really anxious. My prayer would become an obsession. I never wanted to "find" evidence that my prayer was once again unanswered.

For the first time in 73/74 months I have not been praying for my cycle to stay away. I have been doing just the opposite for the past few days. My nerves were starting to kick in because I wasn't feeling amy of my typical PMS symptoms. The details from my doctor appointment two weeks ago were swirling around in my head.

I desperately wanted to get my cycle. Not because it is such a pleasant experience, but because it would mean something. If I got my cycle it meant that I may or may not be ovulating. While I don't know if ovulation took place this month, I know that my body is at least trying to do what it is supposed to. Imagine my excitement when my prayer was answered this week. Never did I think I would be so happy to start my cycle!

Second Step in a New Direction

So the decision to leave my career as a teacher was driven by God. The first step in my journey to a new career was starting nursing school. I hit the ground running in May and haven't looked back once. Sure, I was a little unsure of my decision the first week of classes but that disappeared quickly. Merely just a case of jitters.

I was hoping to find a job at Aultman Hospital. I applied for any job I thought I was even remotely qualified for. My desire to find a job there was twofold. I was going to be down there 4 days a week, I might as well get paid to be there. Also, if I were to be an employee I would get 25% off my tuition each semester. That would save me some big bucks.

It seemed that my attempts to become employed there were in vain. I branched out my job search to all the other nearby hospitals. I applied for food service, housekeeping, being a patient transporter, nurses aide, and secretary. Low and behold, I managed an interview at a large hospital for a unit secretary position. The interview went really well. The interviewer told me that if I could rearrange my Mondays and Fridays, she would give me a shot at the job. That was July 2nd.

August rolled around and I really didn't know anything about my status. I made some phone calls and was finally offered the job. I am pretty excited about it. Pretty sure it will be a hectic job and possibly pretty stressful. My training starts tomorrow, which I am very thankful for. Originally I wasn't going to be trained until the second week of September. If this would have happened, I would have had to miss an entire week of classes.

Looking forward to this next phase of my journey!

Best Laid Plans

     The past three years have been the most difficult of my life. I have great family and a friend or two that have stuck by me, and a husband that supports me and tries his hardest to comfort me, but even with all that I have still (at times) felt alone. Deep down I know that I have never been alone. At my darkest moments, I have been hedged in under God's hand. He alone has protected me from something I can only imagine to be so much more scary, painful and darker had I turned from Him. There are so many times I have been angry and cursed at God. He is a big God and can take it. I don't know why He would place such strong desires on my heart only for them not to be fulfilled. Many times (often more than once a day) I have to remind myself that these may only be MY plans and not God's. That is when I have to read Jeremiah 29:11-12 ESV "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord , plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you."

Even knowing that God has great plans for me doesn't make letting go of my plans any easier. God's plans for me are probably so much better than mine. I have made steps toward really, completely letting go. As you know, in May I left my job to pursue a career in nursing. Scott and I have been forced to live off one income. I recently became employed again, but have yet to start work. When I do start working, my income will be just enough a month to pay for our medical insurance. We have been okay so far monetarily because God has interceded on our behalf and has amazingly provided for us by somehow getting just enough money for tuition. Before quitting my job I had prayed about it a lot and had other people pray about it for me. He calmed my mind and told me He would provide. So here we are, trusting in our God and trying to share with others all He has revealed to us. I know the road will be bumpy (really bumpy), but we have THE BEST tour guide and navigator. It is He that will get us through.

P90X

Yesterday I started an exercise program that I have never used. Sadly, I purchased it on Groupon well over a year ago. Up until Saturday, it was still in the shipping box unopened. I started P90X.

It wasn't horrific but it wasn't great by any means. I was able to complete the "Core Synergistics" program with some modifications. I felt pretty good a little while after. Today I completed the "Cardio X" program. Again, I needed some modifications and didn't always go at their speed but I at least attempted/did every exercise.

I wish I could say that I looked like these women during or after the workout.

I am pretty sure I looked like this during Superman Banana:

However, this was me a minute after completing the program.

Aye carumba do I have a lot of work to do! I know I will never look like the women on the videos or in the book that comes with it. I am most definitely okay with that. I just want to be more healthy so I can feel better and do things I know I can't do now. Have you ever done P90X? If so, what is your favorite disc to do? I am looking forward to the yoga, but am pretty sure it will be much more difficult than any yoga I have ever done.

"The Sugar"

My last post was five days ago. I had just gotten news from my Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) that I possibly am not ovulating. This could be a new thing or something that has gone on for years or my entire life (well since I got my first period). There is no way to identify when it all started and it isn't really important. I knew I was ovulating while I fertility medicine because that is what the meds were supposed to make my body do. Being anovulatory could be the reason I have only been able to get pregnant with medical interventions.

Last Friday I got orders to have some blood work completed. I needed to fast for a two hour glucose tolerance test and a fasting insulin blood test. Yesterday (Tuesday) morning I went for my test. Let me just tell you it wasn't fun. If you have never experienced one, be happy. The glucose drink is like a thicker, warm, flat orange pop. I had to drink it in less than five minutes with someone watching mento make sure I didn't do anything like pour it down the drain.

Prior to drinking the "nasty", I had to give a urine sample and they took a baseline blood sample. Two hours later I had peed on my hand four times for urine samples and been stuck with a needle four times. Luckily, my phlebotomist (?) was really good. I may have made her feel like a heel when she asked me if I had been to the gift shop and seen all the baby stuff for sale. She had assumed I was pregnant based on the dr that had ordered the test. I have her my little sob story and changed the subject.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call from my RE's office; he wanted me to come in to discuss my blood results. I knew something had to be "bad" because otherwise she would have just said everything looks fine. That brings us to this afternoon.

Praise Jesus! I do not have "the sugar!" No prediabetes or type 2 diabetes here. That was good to know. He said everything looked good as far as my glucose tolerance test went. However, I do have something called "Insulin Resistance." Having this problem (where your body needs excess insulin to regulate blood sugar levels) can lead to hormone confusion in the ovaries.

He explained that my ovaries could have started making too much male hormones (testosterone) which can't be detected in my blood, only localized in the ovaries. So this can lead to my ovaries "shutting down" the ovulation process thus making me ANOVULATORY! It is all making sense now to me. There is a treatment for it. I have to start taking Glucophage (Metformin) which will make my insulin levels regulate. Dr. M told me that he has had great success with many, many patients on this medicine; there is still a 50-50 chance that it won't beat my ovaries back into "submission" (my word choice, not his).

He said to view this as my silver lining and hopefully this will help a lot. That it will bring us a few steps closer to having and keeping a pregnancy successfully. Another perk he mentioned is that I will probably drop some weight as well. I know this isn't the light at the end of the tunnel, but it gives me some more hope. Ultimately, whether I end up pregnant and with a baby in my arms is God's doing, not the doctors.

My break

My first term as a nursing student is over. When I signed up for classes in May, the people involved in registration seemed to act like I was going to be in over my head by taking 10 credit hours. By no means was this summer term easy, it came fast and furious. After all the dust and tears settled, I walked away with a 3.61 GPA. While this is nothing to scoff at, it didn't meet my expectations. Now I am more determined to do an even better job during the fall term.

Since summer term was officially over August 1st, I have been on a "break". I really wanted to be able to relax and enjoy my break, hopefully getting away for a few days. The "getting away" isn't going to happen. Instead, there will be multiple trips to doctors offices and hospitals. I am still dealing with the after effects of a kidney stone. I am not in pain, but have to have tests done to see if a cause for them can be identified. My thyroid has also been going crazy this summer, so I have been dealing with endocrinologists of two sorts.

Today I went to the RE for a follow-up on some blood work I had done two weeks ago. He told me that my thyroid levels look great, they are nice and suppressed. My reproductive hormones looks great. With that being said, due to some symptoms I have been having he thinks that I have anovulatory dysfunction. While I was relieved to hear that my hormones all looked good, this news was a bit hard to swallow. Basically, it means that either I am not ovulating at all or no on a monthly basis. He asked me how I wanted to proceed in the future. I must have either given him a dirty look or looked completely dumbfounded, because he just looked at me for a minute without saying anything. I told him I don't know. I didn't understand what he was asking.

I remember saying, "So basically, what you are telling me is that it will pretty much be next to impossible for me to ever get pregnant on my own." He kind of grimaced and looked down, shrugged his shoulders and said, "I am not going to say that, but more than likely, you will need some interventions." At that point I desperately wished Scott was with me. The rest of the conversation was mostly a blur. I know that I asked him what my options were going forward. I have three options: 1) use just ovulation inducing meds 2) meds in conjunction with IUI 3) IVF. Due to my lack of income, options 2 and 3 are out of the question.

When the time comes that we want to pursue trying to conceive again, we will have to go with option 1. At this point, I am broken. I feel like I am back at square one but even worse off than before. Never in my life did I imagine that this is what my life would entail. My mom never had any trouble getting pregnant. My sister just said the word and she got pregnant. Why is this so hard for me? I know that I am not being punished, but it sure feels like I am. I try to do everything right. I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I rarely drink, I have been a productive member of society, Scott and I are loyal to each other, we are working at strengthening our faith, I am eating better than I ever have. I just don't understand why I have to work so hard for everything. Just once, I would like for something to come easy for me...specifically starting my family.

On a good note the doctor seems to think that now that we know I have a blood clotting disorder and have a game plan for that, once I GET pregnant it shouldn't be a problem this time. I will continue to pray to God for a miracle. That by His grace alone, I will have a baby. Whether that includes all on our own or with medical intervention, it will still be a miracle from God.

Post for Posterity

Just wanted to het into writing a few things that have been going on in my life lately. Yesterday I went to an endocrinologist for the first time. It didn't quite go as I had hoped. They sent me away with an order for a metabolic test in September, blood work that needed done yesterday and again in early September, an order for a 24 hr urine test, and a "recommended lifestyle change" for my dietary needs.
They called this afternoon saying everything looked okay with the results of my bloodwork. "Okay" is a relative term, not sure how I feel after seeing the results online. I don't think all of them were optimal, but I am not a doctor.
School has been getting pretty stressful lately. Took a quiz tonight for my Human Growth and Development class and got 100%. Pretty stoked because that has not happened yet.
My left ankle has been hurting since Tuesday evening. A lot. Not sure what is going on, but it hurts to stand and walk on it. Can't take any pain meds. Only relief is elevating it, yet it still aches and is stiff.
I want to be able to take pain meds, but all we have is ibuprofen and I shouldn't be taking that. Need to get regular strength tylenol. Since Monday evening/Tuesday (7/8) morning I have not been feeling well. Whenever I eat I get really bad pain in my abdomin, same goes for drinking water. The pain only goes away after food has been mostly digested or if I lie on my stomach. Drinks don't bother me if they are ice cold. My "chest" is really sensitive and hurts. I have been physically exhausted for a week. My temperature seems elevated even though I know I don't have any kind of infection. And I have been craving red meat. Last time this happened was 13 months ago. So either I am pregnant or I am about to have experienced THE WORST PMS in my life. Should I in fact be pregnant I will be happy yet terrified. This isn't exactly the best time in my life for this to happen. I will be terrified that if I am pregnant that it will not last past 8-12 weeks.

School is in Session

So almost 2 months have gone by since i last posted. Where has the time gone? What have I been up to? Well, as of May 9th, i am no longer employed. My job now is to go to school, study, and do the absolute best I can in my studies. You could also say that my job is to take care of the house. So, I have been pretty diligent about making sure the house is tidy. The last 24 hours I have slipped a bit. I need to do some laundry and dishes.

My classes have been pretty good, then again the first week isn't over yet. I made the huge mistake of calling my Anatomy and Physiology instructor MRS. Russo instead of DR. Russo. I won't make that mistake again. I had the lab yesterday. Talk about a long class...4.5 hours with just a 8 minute break so that the instructor could use the facilities. She ended up being pretty funny and was willing to take as much time as possible to walk anyone through the practical we were doing. We had a quiz and a practical our first class. I am pretty psyched to say that I have a 100% for class so far. Let's see how long that lasts!

I was a bit stressed Tuesday night because of an assignment I had due for my Medical Ethics class last night. The assignment was to write a journal for "What is Bioethics?" That was it. No other information was given. I had already emailed the instructor twice about other questions and didn't want to be "one of those students." I emailed them anyway. The response I got was "I am not a word counter. Just make it a page long." This is the same instructor that told me to call them "Terry" when I asked how to address him ( I only asked because Terry could be a male or female and didn't want to use the wrong title). Turns out, it is a man.

I am pretty excited about this whole adventure. Prayers would be appreciated though. Specifically that I would continue getting good grades, I absorb as much as possible, that my excitement doesn't wane, and that poor Scott doesn't burn out working so hard to pay for school and solely provide for us until I can find a part-time job.

Photo Bombs

I was going to take my niece and nephew to visit some family today. Unfortunately, one little sweetie was not feeling so well. Thus our plans were cancelled. We pray our dear cousin is feeling better!

My sister had already cancelled their day at the sitter's house, so I said I would keep them all day anyway. My niece, MJ, was being a ham so I pulled out my phone to take some pictures. Her brother kept photo bombing. Well it wasn't so much him bombing the pictures, more like taking over the WHOLE picture.  Here comes a photo purge. I think I deleted most of the "bad" ones.

The first photo bomb.

Silly faces

Zombies

Snuggles with MJ

One last photo bomb

Walking on Eggshells

Since December, I am have been walking on eggshells. Keeping a secret from most people in my life. I feel confident that I can now share the big news with the world...well most of the world. My students don't know yet.

For a long time now (a few years) I have had this whisper in the back of my head to do something. I always ignored it and it would go away for a few months. Without fail, the whisper would come back every couple of months. Since about September, this has progressed slowly from a whisper to a voice booming from a bullhorn.

What has it been saying all these years? At first it  was just "you need a change". Over the past two year it has become more specific. It changed to "nursing". Nursing? What about it? Am I supposed to nurse my children, should I ever be blessed with them? "Okay Lord, will do! But you have to help me out with the whole getting pregnant thing." Oh, silly Melissa! God was not amused. For some reason, in August, I got the "brilliant" idea that I was supposed to take a STNA (State Tested Nurses Aide) course, so I could teach AND have a part time job "just for fun" on the weekends at a nursing home. Mind you, only a few family members and a friend or two knew about this AND they only found out about it AFTER I was almost finished with the course.

I took the course, had the best grades in the class. Then it came time for clinicals and a series of strange events popped up preventing me from completing them or making up the hours I missed. I was thinking, "Ok God. You tell me nursing. I tried to do it but obviously I wasn't supposed to become a STNA. Now what?" You know what He said? "Just wait."

So, I waited. Then over Christmas break the voice came back. Louder than ever. God directed me to several paths I could take. I did A LOT of research on programs. Contacted people at said programs to get more information. I really wanted to atttend my Alma Mater and complete their fast track program for people that already have a bachelor's degree of some sort. They had a ridiculous amount of pre-requisites which turned me off from the program. Then the girl I contacted was extremely rude to me, which was the nail in the coffin that I wouldn't be going back to KSU for this degree.

Somehow, I landed on a website of a local hospital and learned that they had their own School of Nursing and Radiography. They had very few pre-requisites and their application date was quickly approaching. Somehow (which I now give credit to God) I managed to get all my paperwork together and submitted by the deadline. I did all of this trusting that whatever happened as an end result would be of God's plans...and I hadn't exactly told anyone I was doing this. Only Scott.

A few days after submitting all of my paperwork, I had to tell my mom. I only told her at that point because one of her best friends works at my high school alma mater  as a secretary. She gave me my transcripts to mail off and she was asking my mom about what I was doing. Mom had no idea, so I told her. Then I told two of my closest work friends and my best friend. Late in the evening on February 26th, less than two months from my initial "investigations into nursing", I opened a thick envelope congratulating me on my acceptance into nursing school!

So that is my big news. I am going to nursing school and "retiring" from teaching. Time to go back to being the student. I have really enjoyed working at my current place of employment. The staff have been nothing but wonderful and supportive while Scott and I were trying to conceive. I told my boss at the beginning of the month (after I had officially been accepted into the program) and she was very supportive. I will miss my co-workers and the students, but I have NEVER been more sure and unwavering about a decision in my life.

Immune System Represent!

Most of my search for medical records was to find my immunization records. Part of my next chapter in life requires me to be up to date on all of my immunizations. Regardless of whether I have proof of every shot needed, I had to have current immunization levels a.k.a titers. Now don't be foolish and think this is pronounced a certain way. It is said like "tighters." Not titters. Like someone else thought. Who shall remain nameless.

The results were supposed to take like four days to get back. I had the blood drawn last Wednesday evening. So that put getting the results back on Sunday (my doctors office is open seven days a week). I thought nothing of the fact that I hadn't heard anything Sunday and Monday. This morning, my brain was starting to put the cart before the horse. I told myself not to worry about it. They will call when they know something. I accepted what the situation was instead of calling the office first thing in the morning (which is what I used to do).

The nurse called this afternoon and told me they got the results back. All my tests showed that I was still at an immunized level. No more polio, rubella, rubeola or varicella vaccines in my future! Woo hoo! Now I just have to go Thursday evening to get my second step of the tb test; Saturday evening or Sunday afternoon I can get it read and have my physical completed.

Mission Accomplished

The great medical record hunt of 2014 is over...I hope. I have located the mystical "green folder of health" that was given to me upon high school graduation. I have to get my tb test read this evening. I plan on taking this stuff to see if they can use it.

In other news, I had been having some health problems last month. My doctor referred me to a gastroenterologist. Today was the big day! I was seen and he was very nice. The doctor wants me to get the old "roto-rooter" done. I was hoping to get it done in two weeks, over spring break. No such luck. However, they had a cancellation for MONDAY! I was not quite prepared mentally for this to happen so quickly. It was either Monday or wait until like May, which is a no go because I won't have medical insurance then.

So my Sunday evening is going to be spent upstairs. By myself. Locked in the bathroom. Scott, honey I am sorry but you are going to have to find somewhere to use a toilet. If you think of it, say some prayers for Scott and I for peace and calm over Sunday and Monday.

The mystical green health folder.

The Great Record Hunt of 2014

My next chapter in my life journey is requiring a lot of paperwork and record searching. Do you know how hard to is to track down records spanning the course of your life? I have to obtain a physical. Part of the physical exam requires a doctor signing off on reviewing my vaccination records. Apparently the doctor office I have been seeing since like the age of 5 or 6 doesn't have my complete vaccination record.

The kind nurse suggested I contact my high school to obtain them. So, this morning before school I contacted my Alma Mater. No dice. They informed me that they didn't start keeping those kind of records until about 10 years ago, when they were able to do it electronically. My next call was to the County Health Department. I remember getting a MMR booster shot there before starting middle school. The "kind and well-informed" worker didn't believe me that there was a satellite office located at Edwin Shaw back in the early 90's. She quickly transferred my call to someone else (I think it was to get out of having to deal with me). This next employee was MUCH more knowledgeable and was quickly able to locate an electronic copy of my shot record. SCORE!! I have to go pick it up tomorrow afternoon.

One down. Many to go.

The next step was to call my former pediatrician. This was no simple task, as my pediatrician is retired and had been for quite a while. So, I googled him. This search brought up his name and a "practice" he was associated with. I called the number and was greeted by a recording saying that I had reached CHIPA of the town I live in (which is a medical practice that is associated with the local children's hospital). After waiting on hold for over 10 minutes, I finally get to speak to a secretary or someone with an unknown position. I explain to her that I am trying to obtain vaccination records from the 80's when I was a patient of Dr. X. She had never heard of the doctor and didn't know how to spell his name. After spelling it out for her and giving her my crucial info, she told me that she would have to contact their off-site storage facility to see if they could locate it. Before she hung up, she told me that she would be calling me back.

I am NOT a patient person when I am waiting for a return phone call. So, after all my students were gone, I called this office back. Another person answered right away. This time, the lady informed me that they had to SEND my information to the off-site place and then it would take 24-48 hours for them to process the request. **Normally I would have got really snippy with them at this point. However, I have turned control over to God. I just took a deep breath and smiled over the phone and calmly said "OK." This is God's plan for me, it will all work out.** Sometime within the next 24 to 48 hours I will find out if they HAVE my records.

Please pray that they find these records in a timely manner and that if they can't find them, they will be able to give me insight as to where to inquire next. I am on a deadline to get all of this stuff submitted to the "powers that be."

Big Changes

So I have a little announcement to make. As I stated in my last post, I am not pregnant. There were tears shed Saturday morning. It wasn't because my monthly visitor was beginning to make an appearance. And my tears weren't all sad.

I was shedding tears of both sadness AND excitement. While my journey to becoming a mother has been altered and put on hold, I am totally okay with it.

I have been hearing little whispers in the back of my head for the past, oh like five years. And for the past four and a half years I have been ignoring it. I didn't want to hear the whisper. I was more concerned about what I wanted to do. Over the past year it has become increasingly more clear to me that I was constantly stressed to the max.

Well, in December the whispers in the back of my head were no longer whispers. They were like announcments given over a bullhorn. It was only then that I realized that these whispers were not from my mind, but a direct message from God.

I resisted at first; still desperately clinging to the hope that "if we do just one more month of fertility treatments we will be successful." Well, one month turned into three. Each passing month a more evident sign that it is time to stop trying to control what happens to me (that I ultimately have no control over).

Tuesday evening (of last week), I was shown once again that I need to just concede and really let go and give control to God. The cherry was put on top of the sundae Saturday morning.

So that is what I have done. I have relinquished control of my life to God for real this time. I had some conversations, that I was dreading, with some very dear people. They went much easier and better than I had expected.

I am excited to be jumping with both feet into something I feel God himself has brought me to. I am not looking back, but onward and upward. I am so very excited and maybe a tad nervous about where my next journey in life is going to take me. The journey will probably be hard; but if He brought me to it, He will most definitely bring me through it...successfully!

I can't wait to officially share what this journey is. I just have to make sure my ducks are in a row before I do. In the mean time, please pray for Scott and me. I need clarity, continued peace, and for an easy transition for ALL involved. Prayers for Scott: stamina, support, and favor. Also that this experience doesn't drive us apart, but to bring us together like never before. It will be stressful and a long process. Thanks in advance for your prayers!

Breaking Point

UPDATE: I am not pregnant. While a bit sad, I am okay with it. This negative result has pushed me both feet into opening a new door. More on that sometime in the next week.

**Warning: this post has a lot of "stream of consciousness" writing. Sorry if it isn't very cohesive!**

So the big day is coming up. Saturday I will take my final pregnancy test for a while. I don't know what to think about it. I feel a little sad and disappointed that all the time, money and effort we put into getting pregnant over the last year got us no where. Well, it did get us some where. We got some needed information about my blood disorder and the great news that I am not a carrier for a few common disorders. It also got us a lot of prayers which are always appreciated and are still wanted.

To be completely honest, I would be a liar if I said I wasn't ready for a break. This journey has taken a toll on Scott and I. Scott feels like he is sometimes "just a donor". We both have been on an emotional roller coaster; but as I am the one getting all the meds, my emotions are much more unpredictable. Physically and mentally I am drained. As much as I desperately want to be a mother and would love to love on a mini Scott, I don't think I could take much more of it. I want need a break.

Scott and I need to work on our relationship again.  I am embarrassed to say that I have not put Scott's need on my priority list. Shoot, they haven't even been on my radar. That makes me really sad; he is always saying nice things to me, showing me affection, doing unexpected things for me. I am too concerned with my wants/needs and focused on all the "bad things that keep happening to me". He has been such a rock and a soft place for me to land. My partner, best friend, love of my life and biggest cheerleader needs to have the same treatment from me.

Taking this time off, for however long it happens to be, will be good. I hope to continue to improve our physical health, emotional health, mental health and financial health. But most importantly- our spiritual health. Scott and I joined a connect group at our church. We have had two meetings so far. I have really enjoyed it and am learning more and more about myself and my walk with Christ. I pray that this can open up more doors for our relationship and life in general.

Earth to Stomach

Since going gluten free in December my relationship with food has obviously changed. A lot. I think before being GF I was living to eat. Since going GF, I am more on the path of eating to live.

I used to be a sugar junkie. I couldn't get enough. Now, I have random days (sporadically) that I crave sweets. These days are luckily few and far between. I eat something(s) sweet and the craving is gone.

The past four days things have changed. A lot. I can't seem to get enough to eat. The good news is that I am wanting more than just sweets. For instance, I haven't been much of a fan of meat my adult life. I would much rather just eat other things. The past few days I cannot get enough chicken salad, eggs, and peanut butter. The chicken salad craving is ridiculous!

One other thing I cannot get enough of is sweet potatoes. I had sweet potato fries two night in a row. Then this afternoon I popped open a bag of sweet potato chips.

I am terrified to go to the gym tomorrow and get on the scale. I know I have gained some weight back. Hoping it is minimal like a pound, but I have a feeling it will be more like two or three. My brain needs to get on the same page as my stomach so this out of control behavior creates a huge problem.

Our Journey to a Family

I am linking up with Kelly from kellyskornerblog.com for a post on infertility. For those of you that keep up with my and Scott's journey, here is a little refresher. For first time readers, thanks for stopping by.

Our story in bullet points:
*married in June 2003- decided to wait five years to get settled before having kids

*April 2008- we started the whole "trying but not trying" route for starting a family

*January 2012- still no pregnancies. Find a new gynecologist to see and discuss what may be going on.

*April or May 2012 (I can't remember the exact month because it all seems to run together)- I start using Clomaphine Citrate for follicle stimulation under the guidance of my gynecologist.

*July 2012- the Clomid worked! Found out I was pregnant August 3rd.

*August 25th 2013- devastated to find that my hcg levels had dropped. Miscarriage was imminent.

*September 2013- my Dr wants us to wait until November to try again.

*December 2013- Dr finally gives us the green light to try again, with the warning that this will be the last month he will prescribe Clomid for us.

*January 2013- negative HPT. I take matters into my own hands and contact a local group of REs.

* Early February 2013- meet with my new RE to discuss what has been going on and such. Have a baseline ultrasound and a bunch of blood work to get an idea of what is going on.

*Mid-February 2013- start Clomid again but with ultrasounds throughout the month.

*March and April- Clomid with IUI. N success.

*May 2013- Clomid with IUI again.

*June 2nd- POSITIVE HPT!! Thrilled to pieces!

*July 3rd 2013- 3rd ultrasound at fertility clinic. The heartbeat we saw the week before was no longer there. Devastation.

*July 10th- As much as I didn't want to be in the position I was in, I had a D & C. It went as well as one could go. My doctor ordered a ton of blood work to try to determine why I was now a statistic: multiple miscarriages.

*August 2013- Got the results of my blood work. I have a blood clotting disorder, there is no cure. Rx: low dose aspirin daily, once pregnant have to get daily shots of blood thinners.

*September 2013- try IUI with Clomid one more time. No success.

*October 2013- go in for a baseline ultrasound at my RE office. Dr sees a cyst on my right ovary. No treatments this month to try to get it to dissolve on its own.

*November 2013- Go back to my RE to check on cyst. Not only is it still there, but it is larger than before. Put on Previfem for a month to dissolve the cyst. Start seeing an acupuncturist.

*December 2013- Praise the Lord! My cyst is gone. Try IUI again, this time with a different medication. Clomid was the culprit for my cyst. Now on to Letrozole.

*January 2014- Scott was "incapacitated" during the weekend of "go time", so we decided to for go the IUI and went the time intercourse route.

*February 2014- Scott and I decided to give IUI one last go around. If it doesn't work this month we are taking a break for a few months.

Happy Birthday Gabe!

Thursday was my nephew Gabe's 5th birthday. I can't wrap my head around how fast the time has flown by and I'm not even his mother! Gabe is a firecracker. You never know what is going to come out of his mouth. He can be as rambunctious as can be one minute, testing every ounce of patience you have left. The next minute, he will be so sweet, cuddly and helpful. This boy has a desire to be a "man's man". He LOVES to be outside, go scouting for duck and geese with his dad, fishing, and deer hunting.

His uncle and I have loved him since we first laid eyes and hands on him. I made him promise me when he was two that he would: stay little for ever, always let me give him kisses, always give me hugs, and to go on dates with me. He was too little to remember that promise and I know he didn't know what it meant. But for now, he still lets me kiss him, gives me hugs, and goes on dates with me (although they aren't very often).

Gabe and Aunt Mel

Here he is at age 2 1/2.

Blowing out the candles on his Olympics themed 5th birthday cake.

Weekend in Review

Just a quick recap of the week/weekend for posterity when I look back on this post in a month, six months, year, whenever.

*My week started with a ultrasound of my follicles. Didn't go too hot. Had to schedule a follow for later in the week.

*My nephew, Gabe, turned five on Thursday.

*Thursday morning I had my follow up ultrasound with my new favorite doctor. Everything looked good. Got my HCG injection to trigger ovulation.

*Friday I took the day off work. I had my first of two days of IUI. Dr. Maseelall was quick and efficient.

*My dear friend, Natalie, checked in on me and said that I got a delivery at school and was going to drop it off.

*My loving Scooter sent me flowers for Valentine's Day. First time ever and I wasn't there to get them.

*Saturday morning had second round of IUI. Dr. Mortuzzo didn't have as much luck with the ol' catheter through the cervix as his partner did Friday.

*Saturday afternoon I picked up my niece and watched her at my house so her parents could prepare their house for Gabe's birthday party.

*Celebrated with family at an Olympics themed party.

*Sunday morning went to church with Scooter and then to lunch.

Praying on it

I have been thinking a lot. I have been praying. A lot. As I said in my last post, I have changed how I pray. I used to just kind of phone it in. Now I am not praying so much for what I want. Instead, I am praying for what God wants for me.

No more asking for a baby. I have been praying for a baby for years, and although I was blessed with two pregnancies they were short lived. I used to blame God for that fact. Not anymore. It wasn't punishment, like I was convinced it was.

Now I am praying for peace. For God to just be present with me. To prepare my heart and my mind for any news, whether good or bad. I pray for God to go before me. To work through those I am going to be working with. Most importantly, I am praying for others more than myself. I was a very selfish prayer.

Yesterday and this morning I prayed for a lot. Family, friends, co-workers, my doctors, Scott and myself. I found myself praying for God to go before me to my doctor's office (where I had an appointment this morning). I prayed that He worked through the doctors. To give them wisdom, insight, words of compassion. I think God was working through them this morning. I ended up seeing a different doctor than I was scheduled to see. From the moment she came in the room I was at peace.

I was able to ask her questions without being embarrassed and asking for advice on something. She was just who I needed to see this morning. God was working in my corner by making my scheduled doctor late. I feel at peace about my insemination the next two days. She will be doing the procedure tomorrow morning. This makes me happy, as she was the doctor that did the insemination in May when I got pregnant.

So prayers are appreciated. Not so much that the procedure create a baby (although that would be awesome and is the goal), but that I continue to have peace. That Dr. Maseelall is guided by God tomorrow. And that other women going through the same thing are given peace and perseverance.

Craving Satiated

For the past two months there have been only two things I have desperately wanted to eat that I can't. The first is a spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy's. The second is breaded chicken fingers or chicken nuggets. I have been scouring Pinterest for a few days looking for a doable, easy recipe. Ladies and gents, I have hit the jackpot!

I had all the necessary ingredients and it was quick to make (minus the baking). All you need is a chicken breast, two eggs and gluten free cereal like rice chex (I used rice crispies, but any plain cereal will do if your aren't GF). They baked 20-25 minutes and were delicious. You may disagree of you are able to eat gluten laden food; I could have easily ate ALL of them, but had to save some for my honey.

If you are interested, the link to the recipe is below!

http://bestrecipebox.com/recipes/gluten-free-baked-chicken-tenders/

Enjoy!

Take the Not so Good with the Awesome

My appointment this morning was not great. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't great. Good news: my body has produced two follicles this month. Not so good news: they are about half a centimeter smaller than they should be.

Better news: my genetic testing I had done in December shows that I am not a carrier for Fragile X syndrome, SMA (spinal muscular atrophy) OR Cystic Fibrosis! That means Scott doesn't have to get tested!

Best news: in July after my D&C I had a lot of bloodwork drawn up. I got the bill for it in September and about went into cardiac arrest. $4500!!! My insurance was refusing to pay for any of it. I did what most people would do: I cried (a lot), called my insurance company (who were less than helpful to say the least), and then called the lab that ran the tests to talk about my bill. The woman was so helpful and promised to get to the bottom of it. I still remember her name, Loretta.

She called me back and said they would resubmit it after they talked to my doctor's office about the "reason for the draw". I never heard any more about it. Then in November or December I get a statement (not a bill) from Labcare for the full amount AND another explanation of benefits from my insurance company. They STILL WERE REFUSING TO PAY A DIME OF IT!!! To them it was all medically unnecessary.  So I just accepted my fate, prayed about it a lot and totally forgot about it.

Flash forward to this morning. I was waiting to get called back and for some reason started thinking about that bloodwork. How I hadn't heard any more from Labcare. I went home to get my phone and checked the mailbox from the weekend. I saw an envelope from my former insurance company, which is really odd because I hadn't used them since September. I opened it to find an explanation of benefits from July 2013. All about my bloodwork. To my dismay it said that the "Amount Patient Responsible For" was $0.00!!!

Holy cow! Praise the Lord! Hallelujah Hosannah in the Highest! I broke down in tears. Now this smallest of things brings new hope to my mind. HE is still working in my journey. This had to be taken care of before the next thing can. My faith is being renewed one day at a time.

I have to keep remembering that God is good all the time and HE works in His time...not I mine. Melissa- just step back. He's in control. He's got this...not you...not your doctor...not a second opinion. God alone.

Benchmarks

In the world of Special Education there are a lot of goals and benchmarks. Why wouldn't an Intervention Specialist have their own IEP of sorts? Here is my rough draft of my own IHP (Individualized Health Plan).

Goal One: Get Healthy
Benchmarks:
     1. Eat a more balanced diet.
     2. Exercise at least four days a week.
     3. Get stronger by completing strength training on a regular basis.
     4. Lose at least sixty pounds at a moderate to slow pace as to keep it off.

Goal Two: Get Pregnant and Stay Pregnant
Benchmarks:
     1. Lose weight in a healthy way.
     2. Take vitamins daily and as scheduled.
     3. Try to relax and live as stress free as possible.
     4. Pray without ceasing for God's direction and for discernment.
     5. Give it to God. For real. Quit trying to be in control.

I have had success with goal one and I am striving to be successful with all of my benchmarks in goal two. Goal one successes: have been on a gluten free diet for a little over two months, I have started exercising  several times a week (but need to be consistent over a course of weeks), I have been strength training as planned but need to step up my cardio, I am down 27.2 pounds since starting.

Goal two successes:  (well obviously I am not pregnant or you would have heard me shouting for joy) I am losing weight in a healthy manner and at a good pace, I have been following my doctor's orders to a tee as far as vitamins and meds are concerned, I have been trying to be stress free but that is next to impossible. I have started to go back to my support group and the exercising helps with the stress relief. I have been praying a lot, but have changed up my prayer compared to how I used to pray. The last benchmark I am really struggling with.

Last week in group someone said that they had to realize that they weren't God and let it go. Once they did that, things started to get better for them. I sat and thought to myself for a while. I realized that I too had thought that I was in someway God. I foolishly thought I was God and that I could make things go the way I wanted if I just tried harder. Boy was that a wake-up call. I really need to stop doing what I had been doing (which was insane) and once and for all truly let go and give it to God. He knows what is best for me.

Getting to Know Myself

I think my weight loss and desire to get healthier has caused a change in me. I have always been an introvert and I am pretty sure I will always be one. For as long as I can remember I have felt uncomfortable in my own body.

I am my own worst critic. My view of myself is probably more harsh than others. I tend to think that people automatically judge me based on how I look rather than WHO I am. I assume that I am not my biggest fan, that other people have no choice but to feel the same.

Since working out and shedding some poundage, I am becoming slightly more comfortable with myself. I don't see a huge change in how I look or feel. My energy is slightly higher and my clothes are all a bit big.

I redeemed one of my personal training sessions today. I was terrified. The man who is my trainer was kind of intimidating in my mind prior to my session. Truth of the matter is he isn't. He made me feel like I could do anything he threw at me and was quick to tell me "Good job" or "That isn't challenging, is it?" Or "I think that is a bit too heavy for now".

I somehow finished my hour of training without crying, throwing up, having a panic attack or giving up. He has challenged me to doing an hour of core work next week. I stupidly said "I will try anything once as long as it doesn't kill me." If you don't hear from me or see me after 4:00 next Sunday you will know why.

In the 6 months I have been working toward a more healthy me, there are a few things I can be proud of (which will be another post of its own). I have come farther than I thought possible, and I have a LOT farther to go. No matter how slow or fast the journey is, I am determined to see it through to the end. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

Workin' the Steps

In July I started going to Emotions Anonymous meetings once a week. They were so good for me. I enjoyed them and looked forward to going.

They have a saying there, "Give us three months and if you don't feel you are getting anything out of it, we will gladly give you back your miseries." I gave them just shy of three months. Then for some reason I stopped going. I realized tonight that I WAS in fact benefiting from the meetings. That is why the devil interjected himself and made me think I didn't need them anymore.

Tonight I went back to a meeting for the first time in like four months. I felt kind of strange being there, but I am going to keep going back. My nerves were better when I left.

How shall I compare thee?

How shall I compare thee? If I were to compare my life right now to something it would be a black hole or a vacuum. Why? Because to me it feels lile my life sucks right now.

I am in a state of partial panic, partial depression, and a lot of feeling lost. I am panicking because it feels lile I am NEVER going to have a baby of my own. People keeps asking me about adoption. Before I got pregnant the first time that was a very real possibility. But I ended up pregnant and out that off. Now that I know I can/could get pregnant (albeit with help), I can't imagine going that route again. At least not yet.

I am depressed. Had the devil not stolen and destroyed my first pregnancy, my precious baby would almost be 1 year old. Had that demon not stolen my second baby, I would be very large and due any day now. To top it off, yesterday was the 10th anniversary of my dear father's passing.  Sometimes it still doesn't feel real. This year was particularly hard because he passed shortly after the Super Bowl.

Lastly, I feel so lost. My heart is being torn in different directions. One minute I am so mad at God for "letting my babies die". The next I am crying to Him, begging for help and discernment. Repenting for every sin I can think of. Then five minutes later that dang devil is yelling in my ear. "HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU! YOU ARE UNLOVEABLE! HE HAS FORSAKEN YOU!" I know that these are all lies. I pray that someday really soon I will be able to just turn the "noise" off and listen and RECOGNIZE the Voice of Truth.

Changes?

I am considering something pretty drastic this year. If I go through with my "plans", I would be going out on a limb. Totally trusting that God will not only have my back and Scott's back, but that He will completely protect us and provide for all our needs.

A few things have to fall into place for me to jump both feet into this. Should the Lord bless us with a baby in the next few months, we (Scott and I) will have to rethink our (my) plans. I am SO BEYOND BLESSED with a husband that wants nothing more than for me to be happy. He is behind me and is willing to be the support I need.

I am hanging in there

I don't have very much to report at all. Can't remember what I said in my last post. Scott and I are in the midst of our two week wait. We decided to give our wallets a break this month and do things the "old-fashioned way". Wouldn't it be something if this month was THE month?

Anyway, I have been doing a lot of thinking this new year. I have decided to stop living my life the way I have been. For the past few years I have questioned almost every decision I have made. No more living life in doubt or with regret. Time to take some chances!

Ahhh...

My symptoms got much worse as the evening wore on. I ventured out to the local statcare with Scott in tow.

I told the doctor what was going on. Gave a urine sample and waited. He came in the room a bit later and told me that I definitely had a bladder infection. But there was a surprise. He said that I came back positive for being pregnant. My heart skipped a beat for a minute as I thought to myself "How could a blood test and three transvaginal ultrasounds miss that?!" I closed my gaping mouth and then I realized why it said I was preggers...

I got a shot of HCG this morning. HCG is the pregnancy hormone. My shot will say in any urine or blood test that I am pregnant for the next 7-10 days. So, after I told him "wha' had happen was" he said that if he had known that from the beginning, he would have never had the pregnancy test run. I apologized for my shoddy information, just that you don't exactly remember every last detail when it feels like you are in the movie "Alien" and one is about to burst through your abdomen.

So I will be adding an antibiotic to my medicinal arsenal for the next week. So much easier to handle than making yourself believe you have ovarian cancer.

Ugh.

I went to the RE this morning for my follow-up ultrasound. Dr. N. asked how I was doing. I usually just say fine; but that would have been a lie. Truth is, since Friday morning I have had horrible lower abdominal pain.

First I thought it was just bloating and gas, as I had had quite a bit of fiber for a couple days prior. Friday night it got a little better. The pain reared its ugly head again yesterday afternoon. It has been pretty much relentless since. I have used a heating pad to try to calm it, but the relief was short lived. So back to my story...

I told him that I was in a lot of pain. Instead of showing concern or empathy, he said (and I quote), "Well, good!" I was thinking - What the heck?! Pain is something not good in my opinion. He said that it was probably pain from my ovaries growing/enlarging with my follicles.

News flash, Doc! My ovaries grow every month with my follicles and they have NEVER hurt this bad for this long! He said to expect it a couple more days then it should subside. I caved and took some Tylenol twice so far today. It has helped a lot. I wish I could use a heating pad, but I can't now that I am in the "throws" of trying to conceive...can't increase my body temperature. According to my nurse, it would be worse than sitting in a hot tub.

I am going to continue to take Tylenol as needed for the next couple days. If it isn't better by Wednesday, I am going to my family doctor. My mind is already going to dark places and thinking the worst...like I have ovarian cancer.

Pray for me as I am losing my grip with reality and assuming the worst!

A Delay I was Hoping For

Scott and I are taking a step back from the "aggressive" fertility treatments (namely IUI) for a couple of months. They have taken a toll on our finances and we need to recoup some money before going on.

Part of this requires me to quit trying to take control over my future. To take things one day at a time. I took some medication this month and today was the day to see if I had any good follicles. Dr. N only saw one in each ovary. He said they weren't big enough yet, but the bigger of the two should be big enough tomorrow. So, I did not get my HCG trigger shot. I have to go back tomorrow morning for a repeat ultrasound and hopefully get my shot.

As much as I am trying to stay calm and not worry too much about the outcome this month, I have been worried about the timing of everything. You see, Scott has been "incapacitated" since Thursday evening. He is "learning from his mistakes" that he made this fall. He won't be home until Sunday late afternoon. This could have been a potential problem in the "timing of events that need to occur".

By God's good grace, I don't have to worry about it. His timing is always perfect. Always. Even if I don't see that in the present moment. I believe now that I lost my second baby for good reason. Because of recommended blood work following my D&C, I found out I have a blood disorder. Also, I may not have been able to maintain a healthy pregnancy this Fall. I was majorly stressed this Fall. Scott got his "driving infraction" which put me in a bad place mentally and emotionally. Also, he had his ankle surgery. The surgery had me a worried, hot mess.

So my lesson from God that I have finally started to let sink in: don't ask God why things happen. Just trust that it will be revealed eventually and to trust in Him alone. Not yourself. Not your doctors. Him.

Buffalo Balls

I have been living a gluten free life for a month now. Finding things to eat hasn't been the major problem I thought it was going to be. Living gluten free has been good for my waistline and my wallet.

Sure if you buy a lot of "special" foods it can be expensive. If you eat mostly meat, veggies and fruit you don't have to worry about it. I have splurged and purchased a few things to make my transition a little easier. For instance, I LOVE cheetos (which are NOT gluten free). I found a brand of organic (I think), gluten free cheese puffs/curls. They are awesome! In my mind they don't taste so much like Cheetos, but Kr@ft Macaroni and Cheese (which I happen to also love).

Back to my Buffalo Balls...I habe been CRAVING boneless wings for a while now. Boneless wings are not diet friendly for me. I came across a recipe on Pinterest that piqued my interest. They are basically turkey meatballs coated in buffalo sauce.

You mix the ground turkey with some cream cheese, blue cheese crumbles, eggs and black pepper. Form them into meatballs and bake them for a few minutes. Take them out and dip them in the buffalo sauce (butter melted and mixed with Frank's red hot). Bake them 10 minutes longer and then they are done. OR you can coat them with the sauce again, then bake them again for 3 more minutes.

They were so good! Not quite the same as boneless buffalo wings, but they helped to fill the void.

So Far, So Good

If you live east of the Mississippi River, you are more than likely getting or have been hit by a snow storm. But the Galloways don't let a little snow get in our way!

Scott had a follow-up appointment with his ankle surgeon. I was kind of nervous about it. Scott was told after his surgery to take it easy and stay off his feet while at work. Well Scott hasn't been following doctor's orders. Surprisingly, the doctor said that he would see Scott in three months AND that he can start wearing his walking boot less or not wear it at all if it feels okay.

After the appointment, I drove to Scott's work to swap cars. My little speedster doesn't have 4 wheel drive and his Jeep does. I then went to my RE appointment, which was just up the road by the hospital. You would think that at 9:15, on a workday, the roads would be plowed and salted. No such luck! In fact, the roads by the hospital were in really poor shape.

I had to have a baseline ultrasound to check my reproductive organs. All systems go! No cysts here; everything looked perfectly. Actually, you could see several follicles getting ready to start developing. My doctor gave me a script for Letrazole again and called in my script for HCG. Before I can take my meds, I had to get a blood test to make sure I am not pregnant.

Last month there was a huge fiasco getting my prescription filled at my local pharmacy. I didn't want to go through that again, so I took it to a neighboring town's pharmacy. They filed no questions asked. Scott and I are not going to be having any fertility procedures this month. He is going to be unavailable the weekend I would be having it. So I am going to use the meds, have a mid-cycle ultrasound to check follicle growth, and then do the deed on certain days. I know that is probably TMI, but I think we are beyond that boundary by now.

So now I am home relaxing and trying to get my cramps to go away without the use of pain meds. Debating on whether to go out and shovel now or wait until later. Either way it is going to need to be shoveled more than once.

Two pieces of good news in one day? I will GLADLY take it! Have a blessed day!

Resolutions

I try not to have resolutions at the beginning of the year. They always get broken in less than a month. This year I am not going to make resolutions, but goals instead.

My first goal is to relax. Do something for me at least once a week that is guilt free and purely enjoyable to me.

My second goal is to try to be more honest. Honest with not only others, but with myself. If I don't really want to do something, to have the courage to stick up for myself.

My third goal is to grow spiritually. I will leave it at that. God knows what I struggle with. He knows what is on my heart and mind. My hope is that I will come to depend on Him and less on others.

My last goal is to make Scott's feelings and happiness a priority. This past year I have been so self-centered. I have used him for my own needs and not really put too much thought into what he needs from me.